Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Just a letter (XI)
Sunday I drove by you and felt an immediate sensation that the vacancy in my heart was going to collapse in upon itself. I sent you a text message wishing you a good day to keep some vestige of life in that wasteland. That spawned work, and your wanting to see me to say something. You sounded quite jovial in your text messaging, I abstained from too much tone. Whatever the news, it wasn’t immediate enough to stop two days from passing, but now it’s Tuesday, I’m leaving for Canada tomorrow morning, you’re hunting, I’m working, and we’re potentially going to work something out this evening. I put my Hope shirt on for the occasion. It is two-fold: To remind me to Hope for the best, and, upon hearing the expected worst, to continue hoping anyway.
The best for me goes without saying. I love you, and the best for that is reciprocation. The worst, which is somewhat expected, is seeing a new ring on a significant finger and hearing you say one, short, three-worded sentence of which love needn’t be a part. Perhaps it will be something in between. Time will tell and I’ll finish this later.
It was good to see you. As normally, the experience fell somewhere between the two extremes, but the not knowing where is little better than worse. For the first time I’m questioning things. Not my beliefs, or choices, mostly you and yours. I do want you to be happy. Perhaps you have a chance at that with him. If you do, perhaps you should take it. I don’t know if you do or not. I know that I love you and that I think we could be happy and make a wonderful life together however it occurs. But that future is not immediate. Whereas whatever you could potentially create with another is. If your dreams are coming true, I think you have the capacity to make them, whoever you are with, so long as that person loves you too. Because there is only one love. If you follow it, and whoever else follows it, I don’t believe you can go wrong.
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I felt that somehow you managed to pull of a curt, but unconceited tone quite impressively, and it serves your piece very well. There is a chilling hint of a hollowness; it only hit me for a second, but I liked it. I especially like the compounded clausal structure that you’re playing with in this piece, it works well to illustrate . Just a couple simple grammatically inclined suggestions to help clarify/strengthen your message:
Third sentence (“That spawned…”) watch the adjective-gerund construction, it’s not unclear per say but it could be structured with more clarity—why not just desire or some other noun synonym of your choice?
Fourth sentence (“You sounded…”)needs a semicolon instead of a comma to connect to independent clauses primarily because of the contrast you’ve created; you can keep your compound clause format but also be grammatically correct.
Fifth sentence (“Whatever…”)--I hate it when people tell me this about structures in my pieces, but in this case I actually dislike your use of a linking verb--the antecedent news isn’t really your subject: the immediacy is your focus. As such, you should structure your clause with immediacy or some synonym as the subject to maximize what you’re trying to say.
Third paragraph, second half of the second sentence needs restructuring. The gerund is messing you up again; I know it sounds okay in real life but in writing it really is preferable to structure it a little differently. Not knowing where what? Not knowing where you are? Not knowing where I am? I think you’re referring to not knowing where you were, but you should indicate that, and in a less awkward structure. I also think you meant to insert an “a” before “little better than worse”.
Your structural variation, however, was perfect in maximizing impact, and was my favorite part about your piece. The first sentences of the second and third sentences are killer. I’d love to read the rest of your letters, because I think I’ve possibly been, and will be, where you were. A treat to read.
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This piece has the potential to be very poignant, but you tend to become a little abstract and preachy, as if you are really speaking to a larger readership, not to the woman you love and may be losing. Put your heart on the page; you love this woman; let it show. Your last line is a perfect example of your getting off-course. As you write keep her in your mind’s eye and say what’s in your heart, not your head.
I appreciate this piece because is possible feel truth in a words. I can not write about grammar because I’m rookie in English Language, but i like your style, it’s has a nice flow.
Good job, well written!
Keep writing!
Aloha!
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