Poetry / Coming up the Hard Way

Your message was clear and definatly inspirational. It was creativly written and original. However, agents or publishers might like to see a stansa or two (I’m not a big fan of forcing poems into this structure 100% of the time) I felt it was great and you have true talent as a writer. The rhyme scheme wasn’t forced, nor was the verse. Great job.

I enjoyed the concept of the poem. The first twn lines provided a sort of paradox which I found quite engaging. The only thing that I would say [and I am no expert] is that the poem seemed to consist of two forms and the rhyming verse in the latter part of the poem was less enjoysable for me solely because of the change in tempo, but overall I liked it.

In my very possibly incorrect opinion:
- On L2 consider the word ‘even’ either before or after ‘when’
- L3 inject comma before ‘yes’
- consider decapitalising in line with the conceptual content. For example, first line of L4
- consider new stanza at ‘still though’, and then decapitalise again for rest of  poem in line with previous comment
- consider deleting the word ‘mental’ on L6. It’s not a bad word or phrase, it’s just the syllables are a bit awkward within that region. Doing this would also make more euphonic the assonance between ‘confusion’ and ‘delusion’

Overall, this poem really grew on me the more i read it, and i read it 3-4 times. My initial reading said the flow wasn’t as smooth as i’d originally go for in a poem, but, to be honest, this imperfect rhythm (and i don’t mean this in a bad way, i  just mean it could be a bit smoother) actually fits with what the poem is expressing.
It definitely has its won mood and everyone faces struggles so can identify.
To improve it further, i might individuate you as the poet more. We get generalised universals, but we don’t get who you actually are – to really bring the poem home i’d indicate the precise struggles within whichever domains you yourself have struggled in. This will individuate the piece more.
But I also like it as stands.
8

I loved the beginning, i felt like i was listening to a nostalgic older gentleman reliving his past to me.  But once the rhyming began it seemed to lose its overall potency.  I still thought the basic gist of the poem was very good but maybe a little more imagery thrown in would help the reader really feel this poem.  Because it is a look back to the hardships of life, some may not connect so well with it as perhaps older people would.  Thats my only reason for some imagery to help with the poem.  All in all it was a fine piece of writing.  

very impressive

Okay… lyrics, rhythm, rhyme. I wouldn’t place this in poetry because of the pace. It would be more suited in lyrics.

The overuse of pronouns “I” and “you”, which address the responder and change the relation into an audience is something that shows with lack of writing experience. Don’t worry though, I used to do the same thing a year back and it really does fold away. Since this is such a direct dialouge now, I will address it as such. Okay… it is very stereotypical, which gives it a hollow reading.

The rhythm is a somewhat tacky as it relies on the single ender rhyme in each line. Which is skewed out of fluidity by forcing the last line. For a whole piece to rely on fluidity with the synonomous relationship between rhyme and rhythm, to have one beat out of place it takes the rest down with it -“sticks out like dogs balls”.

I can’t really make any other suggestions without basically saying do the whole thing again. SOrry.

This poem is excellent, nicely done.  I hope you plan on continuing to write poetry as you are very good.

Well said.  There are a lot of us out here who have worked hard to achieve their goals.  I especially like the line “To wriggle out from muck and mire”.  That line speaks to the difficulties one has climbing that ladder to success.  Excellent piece.  Sorry, I can’t find anything to critique.  Great poem!