I have a photograph of myself, when I was three, sitting on Marsha Lundy’s lap. I was in black and white then, not only in the photo, but in the clarity of wrong and right.
I don’t remember Marsha Lundy, but, as far as my mother was concerned, Marsha was one of the greatest influences of my life. I followed her everywhere, she was my hope, my guiding light, my mentor.
I don’t remember, you, Marsha Lundy, but I feel enriched for having known you. But now I am grown, I wipe my own nose, my shoes are tied by the person who wears them, and I comb my own hair.
I don’t remember, Marsha Lundy, but the sad thing is, I am no longer in black and white, life seems to be diffused into a cloudy grey. Where are you, Marsha Lundy?
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this piece has potential, but it needs to be revised. your statements are too literal. you shouldn’t spell things out for the reader, let them figure some things out by themselves. for example, ”I was in black and white then, not only in the photo, but in the clarity of wrong and right.” i already understood what you meant by “black and white,” i didn’t need you to spell it out for me.
“I followed her everywhere, she was my hope, my guiding light, my mentor.” i feel like the last part of the sentence doesn’t need to be there. again, don’t spell things out. finally, the last sentence of the work seems a little cliche. you’re nostalgic about the past, about the clarity about your life you once felt, the last sentence doesn’t really add to this feeling.
Very interesting prose. Nearly everyone who has ever looked at old photos can relate to this in some way.
The writing does need polishing. Some suggestions are to review use of commas. There are far too many improperly placed commas in this passage. The sentences can be broken up and rounded into individual sentences.
I like the black and white imagery. It deserves to be explored, made sharper and clearer. The first and last lines depend upon your statements of black and white, so tell us more about the significance.
We want to know exactly why Marsha Lundy is so important. If the person only has a mother’s memories to go by, what are the ways they can show the importance of a forgotten influence?
I suppose what you do will depend on the length you have in mind for this work. It has great potential, and I hope to read more.
This feels more like poetry than non-fiction. Well worded, it just lacks detail. The black/white thing is an interesting choice and could really be played up in a longer version. Great work so far and you could really do something here! ps. Do you do photography at all? If so, a b/w image would go along really well this as an artistic piece.
I quite like this piece. I wonder why it’s here under non-fiction. Shouldn’t you put this into the shape of a poem and submit it there? It wouldn’t take much to do this.
I really like the simplicity of this piece. You use this person from your childhood to show how much you long for things to be simple again. I can sympathize.
When I initally opened this, I didn’t think you could pull of anything emotionally impacting in so few sentences, but the second line drew me in. I was in black and white then, not only in the photo, but in the clarity of wrong and right. I love that line because it conveys the entire meaning of the piece in such simple terms.
I really think it could use some expanding and a little exposition, but it’s a great start.
This sentiment would be better served as a poem.
As a non-fictional piece, this lacks a lot. It needs support in the form of memories, explanations, ideas, and connections.
I think you need to either convert this into a poem or expand it more. Flesh it out more. Explain more.
Good luck.
That was brilliant ! Those few words said so much that others might have written pages to put across.
With a few words and in “painting a picture” with words, you have managed to convey so much about the world and its changes and perhaps the person experiencing the changes where confudion replaces clarity.
I really want to know who the heck Marsha Lundy is! Was she your babysitter? Aunt? God-parent? Foster parent?
It would be interesting to describe any other details in the photo. Even though it’s in black/white, there has to be something that sticks out. Does Marsha Lundy wear distinctive glasses? Is her dress printed or plain? Are you wearing knee-socks? There are tons of questions the reader will want to know, once they are initially pulled in by your statements that this woman had significance in your life.
Keep working at it, and you might come up with a great short-story. If you can’t remember anything distinct about her, hopefully your mother passed down a story or anecdote about you and Ms. L.
Good start!
This is very picturesque of the boy sitting in a woman’s lap both having big grins on their faces. I would have enjoyed this better if you had described the way Marsha Lundy looked. I did like the fact that you made the essay flow in the sense of bringing the beginning and end together with the black and white. Good Job! I would like to hear more from you. I would also like to meet more of Marsha Lundy!
This is good but I feel a little too vague. I felt that you cheated me the reader of experiencing why this person was such an influence. What did she do, who was she, what part did she play in your life? If you can’t remember her, why do you want her back to help you through your gray areas in your life? This has the capability to be so much more. Elaborate.
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