Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Merces Letifer: Prologue
Prologue
The United States branch of Interpol, located in Washington D.C., was bustling with activity, as usual. Agent James Zuckerman was drinking coffee, reading a file on a sex offender, and wondering where his partner was. James was 40 years old, skinny, and pale. He didn’t fit the mold of an ordinary Interpol officer. Then again, he wasn’t ordinary. James was a reformed criminal. A small time con man and loan shark, James rubbed elbows with multiple criminal figures, big and small. He became paranoid and sarcastic because of this life. After being arrested several times, all with him walking, he was finally convicted of petty larceny and loan sharking. After doing his time, he got out to find his old life in ruins. His wife of 5 years had left him for a small time bookie, who had also taken all his business. Not that James was poor. On the contrary, he had several million squirreled away in case everything went bad. He decided to turn his life around. He went to college and got a degree in Psychiatry. With his past, Interpol was weary on hiring him. James, however, went on and proved himself worthy to join. James could profile any mobster, drug trafficker, or hit man. And even though he didn’t have much muscle, he was an expert marksman with any weapon. Whether it was a shotgun, sniper rifle, or nail gun, James could hit any target. He also proved his loyalty when, on a raid, the building started to burn down. Five agents were trapped inside. James kept going in and out of the building to save all those agents.
His partner, Francis “Frank” Wallace, was one of those agents. James checked his watch. An anniversary gift from his ex-wife. Frank was an hour late, as usual. James grumbled “God, what does he do while I’m here. He probably hits up every Go-Go bar from here to his house.” Frank was 28 years old, muscular, tan, impulsive, and narcissistic. He was a former Marine for five years. He was discharged for insubordination. He had disobeyed orders to try to save a fellow Marine. The Marine didn’t survive. Obviously he was not the smartest man in Interpol, but he made up for it with his bravery and strength. On his first mission, he rushed into a burning building to save four agents. He became trapped with the agents. If it weren’t for James, Frank wouldn’t survive. The higher ups decided that instead of cutting Frank loose, they should pair him with James. James and Frank may have argued a lot, but they were the perfect partners. James was the brains. He would profile the criminal and set up a plan to trap him. Frank was the muscle. He would lead the attack and could play any part, be it drug dealer, gun runner, or new crime boss. Together, they caught many criminals and were renowned.
Due to his concentration on the file, he was startled when he heard someone yell “James! “. James, startled, spilt coffee all over his new pants. Pissed, he turned to his partner, who was being a wiseass. Frank had a coffee mug in one hand and a folder in the other. James yelled “Fuck, can’t you just be normal for once?” Frank, who was smiling, suddenly frowned. “God, don’t be such a hard ass. Who are you looking at?” James answered “Nassar Alavi.” Frank suddenly started laughing, a high pitched laugh. “Jesus, Frank, How is that funny?” After five more seconds of laughing, Frank gasps “Avari is old news. This crime is more important. T has killed again.” James, getting more serious, closes the Alavi file.
“T”, codename Theta, was the most notorious criminal in Interpol’s watch list. The name Theta was given because Theta is the Greek number for nine. T had assassinated nine people in on year, hence his nickname. People like dictators and drug dealers and criminal masterminds. The first person T killed, a corrupt South African ambassador, was disturbing and the perfect crime at the same time. T had snuck into the heavily guarded embassy. The clever assassin slit a guard’s throat, hid his body, and stole his uniform. T set a bomb outside the ambassador’s door and pulled the fire alarm. The ambassador opened the door and the explosion threw him through a wall outside. He fell three stories and hit the ground hard. If the explosion didn’t kill him, the fall did. The murderer snuck out, with the uniform, detonator and the CCTV video tape. That was three years ago, and T had killed more since then.
“So, who died?” James asked. Frank answered “Arturo Delgado. “ James swore to himself. Arturo Delgado was a powerful Chilean drug lord. He supplied cocaine and heroin to the U.S., England, Japan, and Russia. Interpol had been tracking him for ten years. “Hey, look on the bright side.” said Frank “T
did the job for us.” James, not in the mood for jokes, snatched the file from Frank and started reading. “How does Theta do this…?”
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This a very interesting start to what seems will be a wonderfully intriguing work. The story line is quick moving and flows nicely. The characters, although briefly mentioned, are realistic and entertaining. James himself will be a very interesting character to develop due to his past situation and current job. Would love to read more.
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Right off I must say I am impressed by the amount of detail, and better yet, truth ringing detail in the prologue. Having said that, there’s a bit of mechanics and story issues too.
My first issue is how you use your prologue. A prologue is a hook for a reader, a snippet of the story that draws them in. It is not, which I see in this piece, an chance to describe the characters without revealing them. Sure, it’s important for us to meet James, but is it important to know his ex wife gave him a watch of how tall Frank is? You’re not hooking me with this information.
That brings me to how you relay the information. You don’t allow the reader to see who James is, but rather tell us he’s sarcastic or a former criminal. Show don’t Tell (cliché yes, but the single most important thing a writer must do).
The other important writer trait is active verbs. Watch your use of was. I’d say you could find stronger verbs for at least 80% of them. Also watch your paragraphs and dialogue punctuation. Each speech should be it’s own paragraph and each dialogue tag needs correct punctuation.
Example:
“I will go,” said James.
Frank answered, “Okay.”
All that aside, you do have a real grasp of the elements that make a thriller interesting above. Good luck and let me know if you have specific questions
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Sounds good. I want to know where its going next. What is it about? What is the theme? With all these questions its easy to configure that you have a catchy start.
I like where you’re going with this but you give a ton of information to us in a very short time. A lot of back history on James, Frank and even T is told to us. This all could be shown to us instead in small bits throughout the story. Show us how James is the brains and Frank is the brawn through their inter-actions. Show us how they argue a lot with their dialog. Put us into their lives instead of just telling it to us and you have us caring about them a lot more.
Split out your dialog a bit. Anytime a new person is speaking make a new paragraph.
You jump from past-tense to present in the following line – closes the Alavi file.
The prologue is the first thing a reader reads of the work. Many will decide whether or not they will continue solely based on what they pick up from it. Throw us into the action so we have no choice but to keep reading further. Show us everything instead of telling it to us. Bring out the character’s quirks and relationships in the way they talk and interact. Personally, I liked the other piece of yours as a prologue better since it was about T on a hit. It stuck us in the action immediately and showed us what was going on. This is all mho only of course. I like the characters of James and Frank and how they compliment eachother.
This piece could lead to a bigger things. Lot’s of description and explaination. I could follow along very easily. When his partner came in and startled him, making him spill coffee over himself brought it together. This man is a man like all others. Definitley worth shaping. Good Luck.
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