Haiku/Senryu / May

Capturing that short moment.  Sounds like a desert clime!  I’d parallel heating and cooler – both -ing or both -er.  I like the -ing form best.   I’d take off the and, change on to  begun.  Someone else will tell you to leave the off and on switch.  =)

The last line is perfect.

Very eerie. I see an empty flat in the dusk with little children shivering in their beds.

Very cute piece :)

I love this description of May and/or spring. It’s a pretty picture.
I’m looking forward to more.

You have (as all good haiku should) a twist or revelation in the last line. Awesome!

‘heating off, + 2 syllables’ would be richer on line 1. the other words superfluous.

‘cooler off, + 4 syllables’ better line 2.

last line is great though, but is 5 times better than the previous two. enrich your haiku, and keep the last line.

The syllable count was correct. 5-7-5 count. It did not paint a real clear picture for me. I don’t really understand the concept. I think you could have used more discriptive words, and not used “is, and, the” it takes way from this style of writing.

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April 09, 2008

by Paul_Archer

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
128	75.0% (8 votes)	10.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
51	M	United Kingdom	August 30

I don’t think I should have to use up my credits on being told the count was correct – I can count as well as you!

Your comment about not using ‘is’ and ‘the’ is a valid one, but it’s a question of perspective. If I had written something like “Heating off, cooler not on…” etc, to me it sounds like a robot talking. Many haiku (in English) sound a bit too staccato, it’s different in Japanese because of the way that language is constructed. Here I wanted to have more a conversational flow, as if it could have been spoken by someone… an update of the haiku form which may be more in keeping with contemporary verse in English.

As for the ‘content’, you may like to read some of the reviews below (although there’s rather a lot of them) and then to re-read the poem to see if it reveals a bit more; it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t it’s all a personal thing anyway, and I’m not claiming much for the poem – it is what it is.

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I think that you captured a part of springtime that largely goes unnoticed. I liked that you focused on something man-made – it’s different in a good way.

i like this. ive never completely been able to write haikus…we wrote a few for school, and they were..okay i spose, but this one is pretty good.

Hello. I enjoyed your poem, and what it mines me of, is Springtime from the inside out. And yes, you are right on, when you point out the: “it’s so quiet, I can’t sleep issue.”

I would leave this as it is in it’s current form, mostly because when I first read it, I had to laugh.

Thanks for your thoughts on this one.

Best wishes