Novel Treatments / Momma Jay
Jay Katis entered the bookstore, the little bell above the door jiggled to alert the workers of her presence. The ample figured thirty-year-old stood a moment in the doorway breathing in the smell of both old books and freshly brewed coffee until her dark eyes, a slightly coffee’d brown that matched her skin, locked onto the young lady at the counter that was assisting a mother with her brood.
Jay recognized the young girl as a fellow student at the resident college they both attended the same business course. The young woman was Caucasian with short hair, cut just above the collar and gorgeous green eyes. All Jay really knew about her was that she was a wonderful student, but very quiet, and that her name was Kalla Long. Other than the fact that Jay had not ever seen the girl in anything but long-sleeves was the extent of her knowledge.
She moved over slowly toward the girl, waiting for her to finish with the mother. Once she had an opening, Jay moved in.
When Kalla looked up from the old computer, Jay smiled warmly. “Hello, I didn’t know you worked here,” she paused, then, “Sorry, you probably have no idea how I know you.”
Kalla shrugged. “You know me from class.” She spoke simply, although if slightly nervous.
Jay smiled wider. “Sure do. We never seemed to ever talk, thought I’d be the one to finally start up a conversation.”
The younger generation laughed. “I think it’s the age thing.” Jay noticed Kalla seemingly subconsciously rubbing her arms.
“Perhaps.” Not wanting to end the conversation, Jay looked around the store. “I’ll say again, I didn’t know you worked here. I’ve been coming in here every lunch break we’ve had.”
Kalla smiled. “That’s probably why. Whenever we both had a lunch break, I wouldn’t be working here. Actually, I’ve been here for a few months. I know the owner and he’s been toying with the thought of letting me buy the place.” She looked down suddenly, as if she wished she didn’t just say that.
“Is that why you’re taking the course?”
“Yeah. Trying to better myself and all.” She was still nervously rubbing her arms, and when she noticed Jay watching her, Kalla smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, nervous habit.”
“What’re you nervous about, honey?”
Kalla glanced around the shop, and opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again, then said. “I need to make sure the coffee isn’t getting burnt.”
Jay nodded. “Alright, I need to get going anyways. I’ll see you in class tomorrow right?” She asked, but got no answer as the girl had already moved off.
Kalla Long hated doing that. The lady was only being nice, and she hated being so rude to her like that. Kalla sighed inwardly and glanced behind her as she checked the pots of coffee to make sure they weren’t getting too strong.
Jay had left.
She sighed out of relief. Jay seemed like such a nice woman, almost as the mom Kalla had never had the privilege of knowing. Being twenty-one, Kalla had lost her mother at three to a drunk driver and a wet road. There had been no survivors. She dumped one of the coffee pots and moved to make a new pot. She had recognized Jay when she had walked in, and was glad she had come to talk. Kalla had wanted to get to know the older woman as well, but had been unsure of how to start a conversation.
She had already decided to apologize to Jay and to try to talk to her some more. She hadn’t really meant to be rude, it was just she really didn’t have any reason to be nervous. Not like she had to worry about talking to anyone while on this job, the owner loved it even more when she did. Kalla supposed it was just her shyness coming back out. Not like she could help being shy, right? Finished with the coffee, Kalla turned as the bell on the door chimed and a new customer walked in.
Yes, she would definitely apologize.
Jay Katis walked up the hallway and spotted Kalla, her arms full of books trying to open the door to the classroom. Jay quickened her pace to help her out, but she wasn’t quick enough and the books fell to the floor. She heard the girl sigh and moved to collect the books. Jay quietly knelt down, picked up a few of the books, and stood watching Kalla as she regained the rest, when something caught the black woman’s eye. One of the sleeves of Kalla’s shirt was pushed up and revealed a line of scratches on her arm and wrists. Two were across the wrist and one cut down Kalla’s upper arm. Kalla looked up just in time to see what exactly held the older woman’s attention, and embarrassed, she stood quickly and using a now free hand, opened the door and walked in. Jay followed.
The twenty-one year old girl dropped the books at a desk in the front of the classroom and walked to a chair at one of the long tables surrounding the classroom. Jay added the few books she had to the ones Kalla had had, and then went to were Kalla sat and stood in front of the table. Kalla looked up. “What?”
Jay stood there for a moment, honestly unsure of what to say. She had seen those scratches on the girl’s arm, but it wasn’t truly any of her business. Before Jay could finally speak, Kalla beat her to it.
“Listen, what you saw was nothing, really.”
“Nothing?” Jay repeated, incredulously.
“Yes, nothing. You and nobody else here need to worry about it.” Kalla’s voice was becoming louder as she spoke, not that it mattered, she and Jay were early and were the only two there.
“Honey.” Jay ventured only to be interrupted.
“Oh what are you, my mother? Please, you want to be friends, just drop it.”
The thirty year old paused a moment in front of Kalla’s table. The girl was right; it wasn’t really any of her business, just like she had thought originally. Jay nodded, but didn’t speak and took the seat next to Kalla who seemed to suppress a groan.
Kalla tried hard to keep the groan that was trying to escape as Jay sat next to her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want the lady to sit near her, only that it would be a constant reminder of being rude to her—twice! The girl rubbed, subconsciously at the cuts on her arm. They were a stupid mistake, and even though it had been the intent, she had almost died from them. Now, more than anything, she was embarrassed about it.
She sighed and about turned to Jay to explain everything when the rest of their classmates walked in. She actually groaned aloud this time. There was no way she would talk to the woman about something that embarrassed her while everyone else was here. Maybe…yeah, that’s it! Kalla Long pulled out a notebook and a pen and began writing. One thing was for sure; she’d always been able to get more of a point across when she wrote.
Using her peripheral vision, Jay watched as Kalla almost turned to her, but when the door opened and their colleagues walked in, populating the other chairs and tables around them. The young woman turned back, then after awhile took out a notebook and almost with a grin of satisfaction began writing.
She couldn’t believe it. In less than twenty-four hours, Jay had found out something about the girl she believed no one else knew about. It explained those unseasonable shirts she wore all of the time. Of course that didn’t excuse the rude retort she had been given. What are you, my mother? And what was she, ten? Jay sighed inwardly. Leave it as it is, she told herself, if she wants to talk about it she will.
A piece of folded notebook paper tapped Jay’s arm. When she looked, Kalla was sitting at her spot seemingly unawares. Jay gave a small chuckle, yes, exactly ten years old. Jay took the paper, opened it, and read:
I’m sorry. You’re only being nice and I keep putting my foot in my mouth and keep being rude. I know I don’t hafta explain it to you, but I suppose that it’ll help to talk to someone about this all.
The cuts on my arm happened about six months ago. It was near my 21st birthday and I guess I was in like a bad part of my life and I was a little swamped and away from home. Anyways. That’s about it, again I apologize for how I was.
The note was signed “Kalla Long”. Jay shook her head and folded the paper back up and stuffed it in a pants pocket. She looked towards the girl who was still pretending to be engrossed in whatever she was writing in her notebook. What had happened to this young girl to cause her to try to commit suicide? And from the way she had acted when Jay had seen the scratches; she was embarrassed that was for sure, and perhaps scared also. Jay wondered if this girl had any friends here. Her attention was brought back to the instructor whom had walked in, and had been talking for the better part of an hour; Jay hadn’t noticed until now that he’d been here.
Kalla sat at the school’s cafeteria looking over her notes when she heard someone sit at the table. She looked up to see Jay Katis sitting there. Jay reached into a pocket and brought out a folded piece of notebook paper and laid it on the table.
“What kind of crap is this?” She asked, though her voice didn’t sound angry.
Looking confused Kalla said. “Huh?”
“You heard me.” The black woman said, fixing the girl with a faux look of annoyance.
Kalla smiled, seeing through the look. “Sheesh, you are like my mother or something aren’t you?”
Jay laughed despite herself. “Are you ready to talk to me now?”
Kalla nodded, looking down at her book, and her arms crossed over the book. She began rubbing her left arm and Jay reached out and put a hand on the girl’s making her stop and look up at her.
“You gotta stop that, Kalla.”
She shrugged. “It’s habit.”
“So you said before. You need to get a different habit, honey.” Jay looked into the girl’s eyes and saw the pain in them. “What happened?” Jay had asked the question before even realizing it, but before she could apologize Kalla began talking.
She took a long breath. “Well,” she paused seeming to be scared to talk, Jay sat in her chair patiently. “Well,” Kalla began again, “it’s really dumb. Not really worth mentioning actually.”
“And yet, you’ve mentioned it.”
Kalla gave a sniff of a laugh. She looked down again at her arm, the sleeve of her left arm had been pushed up, she quickly fixed it.
Jay spoke these time. “Kalla, you don’t have to explain anything to me. We’ve just now really met, and it’s not really any business of mine.”
“I know,” Kalla agreed. “But I guess it is a little nice to know that someone cares like that.”
Jay shook her head. “Don’t your parent care?”
“I wouldn’t know. My parents aren’t living any more. My mom died before I can remember and my dad, well, he died just before my last birth-day.”
Jay took the girl’s hands in hers and squeezed them gently. “Is that why it happened?”
The younger girl nodded, her hair falling in front of her eyes. Kalla shook her head to put her hair back in place and she swallowed a lump that was forming in her throat. “Yeah, that’s what happened. I was lucky that anyone found me, but they did and well, here I am.”
Jay sat there for a moment, speechless. She was barely all that much older than this girl and Kalla had gone through so much more in such a short amount of time.
“Anyways, it doesn’t really matter.” Kalla said, interrupting Jay’s thoughts and trying to brush it aside.
“It doesn’t matter?” She repeated dumbly. “How does it not matter?”
Kalla shrugged, pulling her hands out of Jay‘s grasp. “I’m here aren’t I?” When the other woman didn’t answer, she added. “It’s in the past, history.”
“Seems to me like it still matters to you.”
“What do you mean?” Kalla asked genuinely confused.
“You’ve been rubbing those scars subconsciously or maybe consciously. Ever since the semester started you’ve been wearing long sleeves. And the way you acted when I first saw the scars.”She counted them off on her fingers.
Kalla stared down at her arms again, and repeated. “It doesn’t matter.”
Jay stared at this girl. “It does matter, Kalla, a lot.” When she didn’t comment Jay asked. “Are you working after class?”
Kalla shook her head. “No.”
“Good. I’m going to take you shopping, for clothes with less material on the arms.”
Kalla looked up finally, with a questioningly glance. “What for?”
“It’d be a nice first step. Besides, since you keep insisting that it doesn’t matter, then it shouldn’t matter whether or not you’re wearing a shirt with long sleeves or no sleeves.”
“I don’t know.” a sense of trepidation crawled up Kalla’s spine.
“I do.” Jay said, trying to reassure the girl. “Shall we meet up at the book store?”
Kalla nodded slowly, still seemingly to be thinking about it.
“Good.” With that the other woman stood and with a gentle squeeze to Kalla’s arm, she turned and left the cafeteria.
Jay glanced at her watch. She’d been waiting here for almost two hours, she was pretty sure that Kalla would have been there by now. Putting away the book she was skimming over, Jay walked over to where a nice younger Latino male was working the counter. Jay waited patiently as he finished making some coffees for a couple teenagers and when they left she went up to him.
“Can I help you, Miss?” He asked.
“Yes, can you tell me if by any chance if Kalla would have called?”
The guy’s brow furrowed. “You mean Kalla Long?” When Jay nodded, he shook his head. “No, Ma’am, she didn’t have a reason to call, she’s off today.”
“I know.” Jay murmured, then asked. “Is there a way I can get her number, or address?”
He shook his head again. “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but we’re not allowed to give out information like that. Maybe if you give me your name I can tell her you dropped by when she comes in tomorrow.”
“No, that’s alright. Thank you.” Jay turned from the counter and looked at the door. She had this strange feeling she’d been stood up.
Kalla sat at her chair in the class room, this time she was far into the back hopping against hope that Jay wouldn’t be there that day. It’d been about three days since she’d seen the woman, and she had been almost certain that Jay would have appeared at the bookstore when she was working.
She had a strong hunch that Jay would be a bit perturbed that she hadn’t shown up at the bookstore. She hadn’t exactly meant to be deceitful or anything to Jay, but she just couldn’t just not yet. Kalla found her self rubbing at the scars on her arm, she still wore a long sleeved t-shirt, and she pushed the sleeve of her left arm up to inspect the scars. She glanced around the room, there were a few other students and she wondered if any of them saw her or wondered about the scars on her arm, or to the fact that she wore shirts that made her swelter in the hot weather that was soon coming.
She heard the door and looked up to see Jay’s figure walk through the door, the older woman was smiling and just about as soon as she walked in her eyes feel instantly onto Kalla’s. Jay’s deposition never changed, as she took a seat at the front of the class.
Jay had seen Kalla instantly as she entered the class room, not surprised the girl had taken a seat at the back, perhaps to hid. For the last three days Jay’s temper had gone from annoyed to anger to understanding about being jilted at the bookstore.
She had realized that not only was it a bit hard for the younger girl, but it was probably, if not defiantly even more odd to be doing it with a person she barely knew. Jay hadn’t been able to help but feel a strange since of concern for the younger generation. Jay had been attending the same class for the whole semester that was just about over, and for the whole of the semester she noticed that Kalla, though a very attractive female in both mind and appearance, never seemed to chat with any of their class mates. She had wondered if the girl had many friends and had an odd tether seemed to be tied from Jay to Kalla. Or so Jay thought.
She hadn’t wanted to go speak to the twenty-one year old for two reasons, one had been she was still a little mad about being ditched at the store, and more so, there were too many people around to talk to the girl the way she wanted. Even though she’d embarrass the girl in an instant if it would help, she had a feeling that if she tried it now Kalla would either ignore her or actually get up and leave the classroom.
Hmm, perhaps talking to her in a smaller setting would be better in the long run. Jay thought, half seriously. She remained seated but stole a quickly glace behind her to see Kalla rubbing at that darned arm again, if she wasn’t careful the girl was going to make new scratches on her arm just by her nails.
Again Jay hadn’t noticed the teacher talking at first, and throughout most of the lecture she spent glancing back at Kalla when she was absolutely sure Kalla wasn’t paying attention to her. By the time of the classes break Jay not only was getting a crick in her neck, but she had absolutely no idea what the lecture had been about. By the time she’d gathered all of her things and was heading out the door, Kalla had left the room. Jay, of course, wasn’t at a lost for the irony of the fact she had been closer to the door, just choose not to care about it and found the girl sitting a table near the food court of the community college.
Kalla saw her come and getting her things together, she stood and started to walk past the other female only to have Jay take her by the arm and force her to sit back down at the table.
Pulling her arm free of Jay’s grasp, Kalla slumped against the back rest of the chair and crossed her arms waiting for the woman to sit.
She finally did so, but didn’t speak, just looked at Kalla. After about five minutes of them sitting opposite one another Kalla moved to stand only to have the older woman command for her to, “Sit back down.” Once she was seated again, Jay spoke.
“What happened?”
Feigning ignorance, Kalla answered with a question of her own. “What do you mean?”
Jay watched as Kalla started to rub her upper arm. “Stop that, Kalla.”
Looking confused, the girl followed Jay’s gaze to her arm which had been bared from her rubbing it, revealing the three scars. She quickly fixed her sleeve and put her hand on top the table in front of her, clasping her hands together.
“What happened, Kalla?” Jay repeated her question.
“Nothing happened.” Kalla looked at her hands.
“Something must have happened, other wise, you would have been at the bookstore the other day.” Jay looked from Kalla’s hands, that remained tightly held, and back to Kalla. “Were you scared, honey?”
Kalla looked up finally. “Why do you care so much? Why do you bother when no one else is, you barely know me. So stop trying.” With that Kalla stood again and finally made it out of the food court.
Jay stared at where the girl had been sitting wondering what had happened there. She sighed and glanced at the clock in the food court, she didn’t have enough time to go to the bookstore like she normally did. Instead she stood and walked back to the classroom.
While the class continued, Jay kept an eye towards the door waiting for Kalla to enter the room. There was only half an hour left of class before she actually realized that the girl wasn’t coming back. Jay’s mind began to wonder. What had she done that was so awful? The fact she barely knew this girl kept coming back to her, but that shouldn’t be the end of it. Even if it was true. She could understand that the girl was going through some hard times, everyone does from time to time, but most of all, Jay knew that Kalla needed a friend. Someone she could talk things out with, and additionally, to argue with when she just needed to argue. The thirty year old sighed to herself, not sure of what to do next. She didn’t know where Kalla lived, nor did she have a phone number. Jay continued to think about Kalla for the remainder of the class, and when it finally ended she stood and left, continuing toward the bookstore.
“What do you want?” Kalla asked as Jay came up to the counter. She sighed, annoyed. She was working so she couldn’t really walk away.
“You and I need to talk.”
She shook her head. “No we don’t. You’re not my mother, you’re not my friend, you’re barely an acquaintance.” She stopped a second, and seeing Jay about to say something she cut in, speaking quietly so no one else in the book store could hear her. “What the hell is your problem? Can’t you just accept the fact that I don’t need nor want you’re damn help?”
Jay studied the girl in front of her, watching her facial features as they disagreed with Kalla’s words. “I don’t believe that, Kalla.” She paused, then: “You asked why I care so much? The truth is, I don’t know why I care, but I do. No, I’m not you’re mother, or your sister or a cousin, none of those. And true, I’m not your friend. Not yet, but I would like to be.”
Kalla rolled her eyes, saying, derisively. “How endearing.”
“What happened, Kalla? We started talking very well, until today I thought we were getting along pretty well together. Even when I saw those scars on your arm.” As Jay said this, she spoke loud enough anyone near them could hear. “It took for me to try and help you, to try and get you away from feeling so embarrassed. While you’re trying to make me mad at you, you need to think about who you’re really mad at.”
“There you go again, acting like my mother.”
“No.” Jay, disagreed. “I’m acting like your friend.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Wow. You don’t pick easy topics, do you. I like the premice of drawing one back from the edge. It’s a decent angle on what could have been a rather sinister story. Kudos for playing this straight. It’s a story that needs to be told. Cutters are not so common that we all know one, but anyone who has questioned whether they can go on has lived through this experience and can relate. You do a decent job with this, but run a tad too long. The writing, especially in the begining, is not efficient. I have included many examples where the immediacy of the piece is lost because the plot isn’t advanced either through action or dialog. You are taking too long to get to the meat of the piece which is where the two ladies begin their first real conversation. You might think about deleting everything that doesn’t actively advance the plot or feed into the first conversation. This is not just an efficiency issue, but telling the story in a more straightforward manner.
“just standing and looked around” vs. just standing there looking around
“The young woman was Caucasian with short hair, cut just above the collar and gorgeous green eyes.” The caucasoidal reference is a little odd. Perhaps She was a young red-head with short hair, cut just above
“Jay nodded. “Alright, I need to” This bit lost me a little. Originally, because of the name, I thought Jay was an older male. This information could have been conveyed by using a more gender specific name.
“dropped the books” too much talk about the books and not enough on what’s going inside Kalla’s head.
” Kalla tried hard to keep the groan” unnecessary to repeat from the previous sentence
“Kalla shrugged, pulling her hands out of Jay‘s grasp” pulling her hands away from Jay
“her eyes feel instantly” vs. fell
“odd to be doing it with a person” doing what? Talking about her problems. This is another example of where the prose could be more direct.
“mad about being ditched at” this is mentioned previously, is understood, and need not be repeated.
“strange since” vs. sense
“stole a quickly glace” delete quickly
“She finally did so, but didn’t speak, just looked at Kalla” vs. She finally did, but didn’t speak. She just looked at Kalla
Otherwise is one word
“what had happened there” delete there
“To make sure she wouldn’t repeat the” vs. hurt herself again
“Kalla lay there on her side” delete there
““I really shouldn’t.” She murmured” not likely. She would have looked.
Also, medications, even anti-depressants, would not be left out for anyone who was on suicide watch. Medical staffs are pretty touchy about them being the only ones with the pills.
“Anyways once she wakes up she can leave.” Not likely. She would be on a 72 hour psychiatric eval.
“I’ll make a deal with you.” Jay paused and waited for Kalla to look back up, but she didn’t and Jay continued anyways. “You tell me what happened… this is a perfect example of too much information. “I’ll make a deal with you.” Jay paused, “You tell me what happened…
“her char away” chair
- add/view comments (2)
This is very good, a touching beginning to a well-written story. The only little flaws I noticed were some typos/ spelling errors, like “defiantly” where “definitely” should be, and “hopping” instead of “hoping”. Also there’s one phrase that doesn’t work very well, “just couldn’t just not yet”, when Kalla was thinking to herself. It needs some punctuation, like “just couldn’t, not yet”, or even “just couldn’t. Not yet.” Good story!
July 28, 2006
Deleted User
Nice work. The story is interesting, the older woman and the young one. Something many can relate to, and you wrote it in an interesting way.
My only advice would be a little bit more descriptive language, just a little fleshing out to paint stonger pictures in the readers head.
But, all in all, good work. Are you planning to write more?
Obviously this story has a personal significance to you, which definately makes for a better read. Some of your sentences were a little awkward such as “Being twenty-one, Kalla had lost her mother at three to a drunk driver and a wet road”. Maybe a better way to word this would be “Eighteen years ago, at the age of three, Kalla had lost her mother to a drunk driver on a wet road.” There were a few others like this. Also a few spelling errors, but no big deal. Very nice for a first draft.
Momma Jay sounds like she is a very caring and wants to help everyone.There is always someone like Calla who has issues she is hiding—would secretly like the help. The characters will eventually mesh but There is that inital resistance of someone so wounded as Kalla is. This has the makings of a great friendship story I would enjoy reading more.
This is very good. I like the character of Jay very much. She seems to care about Kalla. I assume there will be more. Keep writing. I enjoyed it.
Overall the story line was great, something im sure alot of people can relate to. My only suggestion would be to add more detail, with more detail the reader can stay focused and remain inerested. Describe the scenery, her voice…anything to get a clear image of what is taking place into the readers head. Keep writing, you have good stories to tell
nods You write well. Good imagery. Especially the starting part, first paragraph, “old books and freshly brewed coffee” it really does remind you of a book store doesnt it? I don’t know why but I was really drawn to the character of Kalla. Seriousley no idea why, not that she’s a bad character? But she just stood out. Quite interesting that…Anyway, your writing needs perhaps a few spell checks, just minor words, nothing to stress about. Continue writing, I shall look for your work on book shelves non? :-P
I had to read and reread the beginning. I didn’t understand who Jay was looking at when she entered the bookstore. You said that Jay entered and “locked onto the young lady at the counter that was assisting a mother with her brood.” Then in the next sentence you said “Jay recognized the young girl as a fellow student at the resident college they both attended the same business course.” I was confused as to whom Jay was observing because in one sentence you ised young lady and the next you used young girl. I thought it was two different people at first. You have a good plot here though.
Showing 1 - 10 of 19
Next →
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |