Romance / The rapist I fell in love with

So this is a dark theme I think many women wonder about and sometimes men fantasize about. Men like to imagine creeping into a room and taking a sleeping woman; sometimes women like to fantasize they’re the woman.

True or not, it’s a real idea out there, and I think approaching it is creative and brave.

For improvement …

I think you should stick to second person (telling what happened as if you are speaking to the rapist). You switch to third person and then you jump out of the story and explain to the reader, which is very jarring and basically throws people right out of what they’re reading. (“i know that its strange for me to like my rapeist, but for some reason, i felt like he was to do this to me,
he was sent to me if you will, to protect me because i was not afriad, “)

Also lots of typos and misspellings, and there is a bit of struggle between two things – pacing and construction. It is fast and feels overwhelming, helping the reader to imagine that sensation of being overwhelmed and overtaken, as the speaker must be.

However, with construction – it feels very much like one long giant run-on sentence. Everything just runs together and it starts out built like a poem then turns into a story then returns to a poem. You need to pick a format and stick with it, and right now the poem format seems to be more powerful and interesting to read (for me).

If you’re going to write a long poem like this, you have to break it up. Well you don’t HAVE to, you’re your own writer, but breaking up the poem into stanzas, and breaking phrases and ideas down using semicolons (;) helps the reader to move through the words with you and make sense of what you’re saying.

Right now, that sense isn’t so easy to grasp because the words all just run together with mostly commas and very few bits of punctuation.

As for the content and arc of the story – I think when you return to it in second person the second half will be greatly improved. Right now I think the second half is the weakest half, perhaps because while writing it you were ashamed or embarassed about the idea of trying to write about embracing and wanting to be with a man who is trying to rape you, but if you’re going to go for it, you have to go for it 150%. The second half feels like you pulled back to 50% and didn’t want to completely go there.

You should, if you’re going to create a poem that meets the challenge you set for yourself by writing about the topic in the first place.

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June 04, 2008

by kittykatmanson

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
12	42.9% (7 votes)	-3.4%

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17	F	Fresno, CA	July 25

I Like you!!! You have said what I needed to hear. Ya know like whats wrong with it, what needs to be improved and stuff like that. Thank you!! I hope to see some more reviews from you. Luv—Kat

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that know one knows about (the first know should be NO)

Innocence is spelled this way.

Rapist is spelled wrong toward the end.

I don’t know how I felt about this one.  Very few mechanical errors, but such a controversial topic, it’s hard NOT to hear the words and separate that from the poem itself.  I look forward to reading more of your work.  Robin

that know one knows about _{should be} that no one knows about.

I didnt really think this would be good at all, but i really did like it.
It kind of gets you thinking about just not wanting to be alone and wanting somebody with you. Now, i have a question though, maybe if you do another version you can clarify this. Did she know him before the attack? Did she really like him, or the fact of having somebody there?

Overall it was good!

keep writing

~shayla

Well this was a certainly a different take on this subject. This was a typo: “i was rapping you,” should be raping. Also, I think someone that sicko to harm would not stick around, because they delight in the fear. You lose fear, what would be the point for them. That was one objection to this, other than she would fall for the rapist. Perhaps he does his thing and goes away, and she lies there with her own thoughts. Perhaps that would be more effective. But this is your story. I give you kudos for originality at 3:00 a.m in the morning!

First ff, the meaning of a stroy is that it flows, it holds description, detail and dialogue, not to mention some wonderful thing which is called grammar. This really can’t be sonsided a story because it is rushed, thrown around, no correct punctuation, is in the form of a poem (if this was what you were looking for there is an entire section devoted to poetry on this website.), the characters are two demensional at best and there is not one total concrete description.

I suggest you re write this, every word, because otherwise all that is left is a mess. You have an idea, but in real world terms, that doesn’t mean too much. You need to be able to convey emotions through touches, to make this piece even remotely believable.

The idea isn’t bad, but is slightly cliched. But, we as the reader do not have much to go on, seeing as the small amount of writing you gave us had no true depth.

Overall, needs a lot of work. Don’t stop writing though, I think you have potential.

Wow, this is a very intense work. It seems romantic in a way yet kind of scary in how the character, falls for their rapist. However, it is something original and something you do not see everyday.