Poetry / Alone and Loneliness

Ok. The first few lines caught me right off the bat. The “phantom limb” phenomena makes me think of phantom pain—nothing ACTUALLY being there, so I can’t get behind the image of something (painful) literally jutting from you in comparison with phantom limb. Also, the narrator goes on to dismiss this image of jutting, as now s/he is trying to get out from under it.

Mist rises heavily. That doesn’t follow. Mist is light, it’s tiny droplets of moisture on air. Do you mean to show thickness? I’d concentrate on keeping a steady tone in your words.

Life and death live together. Are they roommates or lovers? (joke)

You have personified silence as speaking.

Ok, here’s what I think. I feel like you’ve got far too much going on here. You’re mixing metaphors. That’s ok, if they work, but in this case it’s too much. You start with physicality and loneliness, then dive into silence which is (for a reason unclear to this reader and not expounded on in the piece or explored enough for me to understand why you feel that silence is like spelunking) some sort of underwater cave, then you drop the imagery and go preachy. Passion is fantastic, however, I see a lot of church buzz words, which is cliche. Something that I noticed is that even though culturally everyone will know that He/Him etc means God, you haven’t introduced that. You personified silence, so in a literary sense, it’s as though you are still seaking of Silence.

“His eyes know all and see all
And His are all that matter. ”  His eyes are all that matter? Or what is seen? Or, are you trying to say His POV is all that matters? It’s an incomplete thought.

Your line breaks seemed very inconsistant to me. I’d work on your flow a bit.

Oh, and you don’t need to capitolize the first letter of every line anymore than you would in a paragraph. It’s negligence usually (thank you, Word) but you know.

Best of luck. Keep writing.

There are a few things I would change in this poem. It has a good meaning but some of the word choice and placing is akward. I would change the first part to this. “Like a phantom arm
An invisible appendage
The feeling of being alone protrudes from me.
I fight to get it off
I struggle from beneath
It’s awkwardness, it yet remains.”
Also. The title is just akward and sounds redundant. I’d change it to “Alone and Lonely” Read what you write out loud a few times and then you will find these akward gramatical errors so it makes it easier for the reader to read the meaning rather than focus on the errors. Keep writting.
Lauren