Poetry / insomnia

i think it’s interesting. there’s really nothing there though. i think you need to expand on this. since this really seems to be about descriptions of the world sleeping around this insomniac, i would go into even more descritions besides just the mother & sister. add some more, like something about the neighbors sleeping, the dog sleeping at the foot of the bed, even describe how the shadows on the wall are dancing or the crickets outside are chirping, it doesn’t have to be much more, it can still be simple & short. but i think to make the impact you’re going for you need to expand it just a bit. give us something else to imagine other than his mother & sister. bring us into his world a little more. what else is going on as he lays there unable to sleep? then end it with that last line. a good start. but as is, kind of bland. the content could come alive though with a few more powerful lines.

It’s very simply put and straightforward.  I’m sure you’ve got more to share and I look forward to reading a little more from you to see what your style is like.  Maybe expand on this one a bit, on the lack of sleep, want of sleep or what you were thinking or feeling.

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January 29, 2008

by suzanneferudo

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Thank you for your comments. Thank you for respecting my style.

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I like this, I can so relate because I am an insomniac. Its interesting that you use different ways to sleep. I do turn in my bed alot too…I think I do all three, but the snoring part I can’t really confirm lol…

thanks for sharing, this was quite refreshing and fun to read!

I like the minimalism of it, but in this particular case, it’s TOO simple for the reader to understand (in other words, So What???). Unless you want to be mysterious and vague, leave it like this. But if you want your message to be more clearly understood, add to this, expand it, elaborate.

I know that this poem is not very long, but for some reason I think it has quite a drawing effect to it. I think that it would be made better by adding more, but I respect the impulse to pair down writing to just what you want to say. I think that the last line is curiously ambiguous as to what exactly is meant. There seems to be a duality with the word “lie” that I really like. I would really like to see what you would do with this if you expanded it. I like the tone and I bet some really interesting material would come. Good job!

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November 24, 2007

by suzanneferudo

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Thank you somuch! It’s awkward, but to be honest, the lie homonym didn’t occur to me until later.

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This borders on haiku because of it’s brevity but doesn’t quite fulfill a true haiku. As a poem it is incomplete, as if it’s the first stanza to a longer poem. The question arises, so what? at this point. If this were to become a poem the characters need development, there should be some poetic form and rhyme or free-verse, and it’s all telling, not showing us anything at this point. Three statements are made that for now lead nowhere, where does this poem wish to take the reader? These are thoughts you might consider.

First – potential is here. You have a good start. I would add a little punctuation. As is, it makes a statement. But, leaves me with wanting to know more.