I suppose the structure would mean more to me if I was writing in Japanese. I try to keep close to the structure but desire to stay to the poetic aspect of being an observer in the natural world. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Haiku/Senryu / Evening Coffee
In the window
A fire burns, in my coffee
I sip the moon
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ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very interesting, and close to traditional haiku, though missing a seasonal reference. The moon’s reflection is quite common in Zen poetry, but sipping it in a cup of coffee is a twist I haven’t seen. Fresh, though I’ve never seen that in my experience. Did you (in black coffee, it had to be?) The capital A in the second line is misleading, as if a second thought is starting. Is the fire burning in the window, or in the coffee, or both?
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ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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I guess nobody sticks to 575 anymore. Too rigid, I suppose. I like the reflection as a metaphor for burning.
Laughingcrow reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. The imagery is nice and not hard to follow. I think, though, that the “timing” of the haikus is wrong. I could be mistaken. I’m not an expert by no means to the nuances of haikus. I thought that the timing when 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. This one looks to be 4 syllables, 8 syllables, 4 syllables. Besides that, I do like your piece (especially on this cold winter morning, with the trees reflecting out of my own cup of joe). Good job.
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, your seeing reflections that over lap fire in coffee and the overhead lighting shines like the moon into your cup:)
Lizabeth reviewed Version 1 -
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This is great. I love the images; there is such beauty in simplicity.
mountianGranny reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure if this is in typical haiku form, but it’s very visually pleasing!
ThomasAlan reviewed Version 1 -
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I was going to be a niggler and give you a nine because I think the comma should be a semi-colon, but my inner poet-peer grabbed me by the throat and threatened absolutely awful dreams if I didn’t give you full marks.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
I see the persona, perhaps after dinner, having originally intended to stay inside by the fire, but being pulled outside by the stark clearness of a fullish moon. Peripheral vision does the rest as the persona sips: fire inside is out of the eye’s corner, and moon is on black coffee surface as s/he sips.
I don’t tend to be an envious writer, but this one tempts me.
I bow to you.
TA
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent imagery, reflected moon in cup of coffee.
I see it; it certainly works for me.
poeticdesire reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this… I want to sip the moon while I’m warmed by the fire in my coffee. This is a lovely piece of work and let me wanting to sip the moon.
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