Thank you so much, that’s wonderful of you to say. I turned this into a longer piece, but I like the shorter version much better. Such is life. :)
Non-fiction / Men Are Men: A Character Sketch
He doesn’t walk—he ambles, often self-consciously, his large frame shifting to accommodate a sore knee and a back injury. It’s rare that Dave is in a hurry, because why get stressed over time? You should always leave early, though, so you don’t have to hurry in the first place.
Life is too short to spend it rushing from one place to another, Papaw always said.
His dark hair falls well past his shoulders, growing for four years now despite teasing from his family. Dark red is interspersed with dark brown, the red most prevalent in his ever-present goatee and his five-day shadow, a hint of the Irish ancestry proven in his surname: J____. Lightweight, designer eyeglasses (you get what you pay for) adorn his face, masking the slight delicacy of his unlined eyes; the silver of the half-frames is repeated in the small silver hoop in his left ear, another source of familial teasing. When he smiles, he reveals a slight gap, front teeth that stick out slightly, and a chipped tooth. He’ll tell you the story behind each if you ask.
The pockets of his jeans are stuffed at all times: keys, change, receipts, a Zippo lighter, and a cell phone with a clip in the right pocket and cigarettes, a razor blade, and the emergency set of keys in the left. Isn’t it uncomfortable to have so much in your pockets?
It never hurts to be prepared, Papaw always said.
If you listen for a while, you will hear either a joke or a story, repeated from Papaw’s collection of daily jokes.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
The stories usually last about five minutes, with a lengthy lead-in and a lot of detail, often featuring his grandfather. They would eat breakfast together every Saturday morning; on the way, Papaw would play a game.
I bet I can get the whole way there without stopping. If I don’t stop completely, he would say, I win.
He might start slowing down at the first glimpse of a red light, coasting, crawling until the car would be barely moving, ignoring the impatient honking of other drivers.
Why are they in such a hurry to stop?
He always won.
Papaw taught him to play piano, guitar, infused the love of playing a musical instrument, gave him his piano, organ, first guitar. Papaw had a fresh joke everyday. Papaw got him his first job, working with him at a parts store. Papaw would tell stories about the good old days, about growing up with ten brothers and sisters shortly after the depression, about playing the banjo with his brothers in impromptu jam sessions. Papaw missed doctor appointments because doctors don’t know everything. Papaw started getting repetitive. He forgot punchlines, the day of the week, what he was supposed to be doing, places, and people.
Preston asks when he is supposed to come to work again because they’ve cut his hours. Preston wonders where people are, forgetting they are long gone. Preston asks why it is so cold outside, thinking it is July in January. Preston gets worse everyday. As Preston forgets, memories of Papaw are increasingly the topic of stories. As Preston forgets, Dave speaks less and less of Papaw in the present.
It’s Preston, now. It’s Papaw, then.
Behind his lenses, his eyes squint against emotion. The dam burst once, producing a flood that shook his large frame at the foundation. That probably won’t happen again.
Men are men, Papaw always said, and women are women. That’s just how it is.
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LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very well written. You have given the reader a geed description of each character to build a vision and the personality to go with them.
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jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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I was a little confused about who was being talked about overall in this piece, but whoever was being talked about he seemed like an interesting person.
MikeRush reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting little piece. I wanted to know more about Dave, although the description of Dave in the beginning is pretty good. I like the details about his facial hair and jewelry. Papaw is well presented too. Both of these are good character sketches.
There are a few problems in this piece that are easily fixed. For example, “His dark hair falls well past his shoulders, growing for four years now despite teasing from his family.” I would hold auditions for a different word than “teasing,” since teasing is an action actually performed on hair. It sounds like the family gets together, they tease Dave’s hair, but it continues to grow shoulder length anyway!
I was puzzled by this line, “You should always leave early, though, so you don’t have to hurry in the first place.” Why second person? Is this another speaker? Papaw’s voice?
This question puzzled me too. “Isn’t it uncomfortable to have so much in your pockets?” Whose voice is that? Again, if it is more of Papaw’s wisdom then italics are the rule.
Thanks for posting this.
Mike
Marowit reviewed Version 1 -
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If you haven’t already published this, you most definitely should. I’m having a hard time coming up with adequate adjectives to describe this piece and how it affected me.
It’s amazing. The style flowed well, and the progress from beginning to end was well-formulated.
But even that doesn’t fit the bill, not by a long shot.
It is fantastic and should be shared.
megwych_09 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. That was a really touching piece. At first, I was definitely expecting this to be more about Dave, but I really like how you used him to examine his father while also showing more of him.
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