Poetry / Normandy

I really liked the words and discription used, though i don’t quite understand the last line all too well. “scan the skies for ugly birds  the color of your shirt’ but this was my favorite line, i don’t really know why, but was the shirt grey.  whole poem paints a picture enjoyed it

very good story. moving when thinking about war and death. life is too short to worry about ranks. was very warming to hear someone talking to another as a meantor, even in the time of death. i guess, i’m not sure if you were ever in war, but it sounds like this is a grandfather of a warman talking to a new recruit. well written and moving. who knew a war could teach me how to live a life

• add/view comments (1)

December 11, 2007

by CarsonLeonhardt

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
228	52.6% (19 votes)	67.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	M	Stanley, NC	December 21

im glad you like it, and no i have never been in war
but this is what i would imagine it to be.

Carson

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I enjoyed reading this poem. It’s very powerful.
I read this poem a few times and was wondering if you
needed the “don’t” at the beginning of line 6.
I was also unsure if “ill” in line 11 was supposed
to be “I’ll” or if you meant “ill”. I think it displayed
the mindset of those who were there very well.

I like this a lot.  It is full of thoughts and ideas not usually heard in war poems.  Fave line: “god we murderers have been heard”

That said, this is hard to read on the page.  It is fragmented and choppy (which may have been your intent) and you might want to reconsider relineating it.  I realize you may have wanted this to be from the point of view of multiple soldiers on the beach, but the problem is to find a way of conveying that ON THE PAGE.

Do this: read it aloud to yourself; it has to be aloud.  Make sure it is on the page the way you, as author, want to HEAR IT.

Restructure it if need be after doing this.

You want to use a dash (which is created with TWO hyphens) rather than a hyphen which you have right now in a few places.  

I almost think this could work as a recited piece for several voices.

Good luck.

(Have you watched THE WAR on PBS?  If not, you should.)

• add/view comments (2)

November 22, 2007

by CarsonLeonhardt

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
228	52.6% (19 votes)	67.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	M	Stanley, NC	December 21

I’m glad you enjoyed it, and i hadn’t thought of it until you said it, but i think it could be read using several voices too.

November 22, 2007

by ThomasAlan

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
796	92.6% (108 votes)	78.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
57	M	State College, PA	January 05

good!

best wishes on your journey,

TA

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.