it is riveting to hear such praises
Carson
Poetry / "These pearl earrings buckle my knees every time "
These pearl earrings buckle my knees every time
That dark brown hair swimming in the wind as a kite
Such eyes you have should never blink-
Obsessing love, separate, bail or sink
Lay your head upon my chest, I will not budge
Come with me, let’s enjoy ourselves, bound for love
Even in this drought my eyes water such blushing cheeks –
Your hand with mine, I am complete.
Every second lie so beautiful- nice and neat
Changing colors- chameleon-like in this heat.
No demon would dare interrupt such peace
A perfect Pax, longevity substitutes any lease.
Ended an over fragile arm proximity promised and scarred.
Head up girl, the sunrise is young and shortcut hard
So lace the path ahead of us with rose petals and perfume
Such an intricate design laid concrete- we have it all to lose.
Poison trees are in blossom soon, king caterpillars must too cocoon.
Hammocks here and Hammocks there doubling as precautionaries ,
Suffering-not my favorite game, I said I do, it’s sedimentary.
Why do you pause now when we exchange such glares?
When jokes become serious and our love I have to bear.
When my suits reflect the color gray, along with my hair
When weekends are outside the house and full of stress,
Damaged tongues lash out severe, an ugly mess-
Yellow lines are forever unlike our commitment,
Handguns and blades are my friends whispering “death sentence.”
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HumanWrites reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like your poem, it was beautiful, however, after reading the last line, which was somewhat sociopathic, (I can relate, but not condone), I applied many possible meanings to some of the passages. For example: The line that says, “Such eyes you have should never blink” made me wonder if you meant her eyes would not blink once you took the handgun or blade to her.
There are many beautiful/accurate references to love and relationships in your poem. Most parts I understand, but some I don’t, for example: “Every second lie so beautiful- nice and neat”. Do you mean she is a liar – nice and neat, that changes color like a chameleon to suit her?, or when you say, “Ended an over fragile arm proximity promised and scarred.” Is this a reference to suicide? I’m not clear. I have so many questions. Some are intriguing; some are out of literal confusion. What does “Hammocks here and Hammocks there doubling as precautionaries” mean to you? I am left to wonder.
I appreciate the change that occurs within your poem, (from blissful adoration to violent emotion) it can represent a true relationship, but you lost me in the last sentence, no matter how much it truly described reality, it disrupted the continuity of the poem. Maybe you should think about leading in to it more or giving more thought to the last line.
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Emilyisapoet reviewed Version 2 -
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“Such eyes you have should never blink-”
Your flow the words that are used are beautiful. This critique is one with truth-absolutely wonderful imagery, metaphors. Pleased to read such talent from an age that I thought held love at the highest for myself as well. Brings emotion to a halt.
Talent is extreme here. Congragulations.
“Even in this drought my eyes water such blushing cheeks”
cavalaxis reviewed Version 2 -
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The language in this is strong and powerful, simply beautiful. The first two thirds had me riveted. The metaphor was rich and powerful. The last third, it fell apart, came unravelled. Not just the harshness, but it became almost too literal. It didn’t fit with the tapestry woven in the beginning. I love the scansion of this. It reads almost like a sonnet. Good work.
saa07a reviewed Version 2 -
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that was great. the poem of love never sounded so sweet.
So lace the path ahead of us with rose petals and perfume
Such an intricate design laid concrete- we have it all to lose.
i think that was the line that hit the hardest, meant the most to me. also the line about the eyes. my goodness that was good…. i’m not gonna lie, i might steal a line or two to recite to a girl. either way, it was tight.
but. at the end, tell me what’s going on, because, that…. i did not understand. when you grow old?
i didn’t understand the yellow lines or the handguns and blades are my friends whispering “death sentence.”
hmmm…. i guess that could be a sign of how others are jealous. either way, love was well done in the poem
Brien_James_Dawson reviewed Version 2 -
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Normally I would try to smile and blow some smoke up your ass, but I’m going to refrain. If a review of mine is rejected its going to be on my terms.
This is horrible. For so many reasons.
Your verbose to the point of nausea:
“Hammocks here and Hammocks there doubling as precautionaries ,”
“Suffering-not my favorite game, I said I do, it’s sedimentary.”
“Ended an over fragile arm proximity promised and scarred.”
Your images are muddy and more often than not just don’t work:
“That dark brown hair swimming in the wind as a kite”
So creating the image of hair swimming, not bad, slightly cliche but not really. It might work. But you go and add the whole kite line, You’re stretching the image way too far. This isn’t an exteneded metaphor, it’s just plan old bad writing.
The end rhymes act like the cherry on top. It’s forced, it actually makes you lines lack music, and it is just plain flat, lifeless.
Lizabeth reviewed Version 2 -
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I appreciate the slant rhyme. The couplets are a little…divisive? I’m not sure how else to say it; they seem to stand alone better than they fit into the poem. I think you have definite potential, with some study of the mechanics of poetry. This is pretty high-level for a high school student. Good job!
Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. I love the rhyme scheme and the point behind the words. Its a whole bunch of words put together to make a beautiful meaning. True Poetry. Only thing is I’d keep your number of syllables in a line consistant rather than some sentences short and others long. Consistancy is key to make sure readers are thinking about what they’re reading and not flaws. Keep writting.
Lauren
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