Flash Fiction / .flight

Again you write a great trailing excerpt from Brunner. Publishable? Yes, only you know of coarse you’ve limited the circulation with the use of one profane word. I liked the description of the coke adds and house, lawn etc.(they tones) did you mean – they toned – ? (its klasson) hyphen it’s.

I like the style. It’s different and certainly not grammatically correct in many ways, but it works. However, there are some places where the lack of grammar seems to be a simple typo more than a purposeful disregard or changing of the rules. I’d go back and do another technical read-through. Rule-breaking is good, when it’s done well. Those are my only suggestions, otherwise it was well done.

You’ve obviously gone for some punctuational flair. That’s fine. It might help to know I found it awkward, without purpose and messy. But that’s just me.
Lifes < life’s
Pressing down [ON HIM] < consider
‘it was now’ < would be OK if ‘it was now he could breathe’, but you add a ‘now’ so the ‘it’ doesn’t create a good grammatical vista.
Perscription < typo (prescription)
ryder < Ryder
drive way < one word
cosmic green < like it
vintage store < consider making ‘[a] vintage store’
they tones the < typo or grammatically wrong this line. Dunno what it was supposed to say.
Klasson < Klasson
Tokyo < capital ‘t’
LAX < i’m now thinking this is all deliberate, but i don’t think it’s sexy or stylish to sprinkle decapitalisations
Dunno what u mean by ‘stage’.
Not a bad fragment but I think you’re trying a bit TOO hard here to present it in a different way. If you were to put your energy instead into developing your prose, rather than trying to re-invent the convntions of presentation, then I think you’d be using your time more efficiently. Hope this helps.

Again, loving it. Any chance they will all be linked together in one item to be reviewed? I really do love the way it flows. It makes me anticipate what is coming up next. It’s rare that I am as taken as this. You’ve reeled at least one fan in.

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January 16, 2008

by fiction84

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	33.3% (12 votes)	21.1%

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

thank you greatly.

there might be a tie
it might already be here

just wait
both you and i have to wait

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Reading this the way Urbis is sending it through the queue, is like watching Pulp Fiction.  I don’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg.  Doesn’t really matter.  This is flipping amazing.  

So with this little installment, I get the feeling that Mr. Brunner isn’t as sweet and innocent as I thought him to be.  So he’s got a shady business deal in Tokyo.  Maybe that’s why he was on the train in .city.  

I want to know more about this partner and guns being drawn.  What was he into before?  Was this after he got out of jail, and got caught up again?  Or was this before?  

I did find one part that I think might be a typo.  ”he had old movie posters
         they tones the faded afterthoughts of 40’s glamour photos.”  I think it should be “their tones…”

You have no idea how much I’m enjoying this.  Even if I’m way off the mark, I feel like Jr. Miss Detective trying to put it all together!

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January 14, 2008

by fiction84

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

thank you deeply.

there are more.
    bmany more.

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I like the resolution of the character here to just go ahead and go with the crazy flow of his life. The plot seems very full almost pregnant. It left me wanting more. This made me want to see a movie about this guy. Good work. I am not sure that I like the punctuation at the beginning of the sentences. (Could just be a style thing though). Other than that, I have no critique. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Good work.

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January 10, 2008

by fiction84

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	33.3% (12 votes)	21.1%

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

thank you deeply.

and yes, the child is about to birth.

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Good Story line and all, i actually enjoyed it, but i have to say that the set out was too, i dont know, im not sure if that was a cut and paste mistake or what, but i just dont agree with the set out.

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January 05, 2008

by fiction84

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

there is story in structure

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I like the beginning and the ending, but the middle is where I get a little lost.  That information does not seem all that important to the plot of the story.  Maybe that is just me though.

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January 05, 2008

by fiction84

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	33.3% (12 votes)	21.1%

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

youll place your own importance
ill place mine.

thank you for reading it
have you seen some of the others?

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I like this piece. It’s very original in structure and manages to pack a lot of information about the character and his story into few words. The starting periods don’t really work for me, but I don’t think they detract from the work at all, so you can take that as a nit-pick and ignore it if you like. Nice work.

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January 03, 2008

by fiction84

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	33.3% (12 votes)	21.1%

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

thank you
TheSatch.

i hope to read some of yours
now that ‘08 is here
i can unwind and get some stuff done

have you seen any of the other
.
stories?

there are more to come
many more.

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What does any of this mean? What stage is burning? I hate to seem daft, but I do believe there is such a thing as being to concise, this almost reads like an outline for a story before it is written, the format is also too jumpy and hard to read. This would be a fun John Woo script though. Turn it into a story, this kind of looks like word art. If its supposed to be word art, I apologize for my review.

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December 28, 2007

by fiction84

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	33.3% (12 votes)	21.1%

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23	M	Clovis, CA	July 19

it is just what it is.
i write shit
people fuckin review it for credits

end of cycle my friend.
but thank you for it.

ive thought of woo before at times
wonder what he would like and dislike about it.

have you seen the new blade runner “final cut”

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