Poetry / Death upon my tongue
Coming across my own shadows I step very carefully,
Not wanting to be found even on my own turf.
Hearing the screams of children
the continuous lamenting of the mothers
I know my shadow has been there
footprints in the moonlit night
twisted and contorted visions
I turn them into reality
bleeding for the pit
not even a place for me to sit
doorways lead to hallways and I walk them
letting myself inside for a peek
waiting for someone to speak
no one sees me in my hour
its time for the wicked to work
the patient and timid to sleep
waiting I know the countless numbers
leaving I tally the daily total
mindless and numbing my work is done for the night
murder in the palm of my hand
blood on the tip of the blade
some I have passed on,
they felt my presence and now tremble
musicians and lovers, writers and poets, mothers and fathers
I send them all to hell
they created me
I am nothing more than an insect under their feet
I will kill and keep on killing till all are dead
let the bodies pile up,
the stench of my justice in the air
hate is my drug and my release is your death.
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This is a very dark piece of writing, but thats good. Its a very different kind of writing, that with some polishing can be made into a very great piece of writing. Just look over some of the lines to ensure you don’t lose your audience anywhere. good luck.
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I especially enjoyed reading this piece. After reading your notes for the reviewer, I’m left figuring out exactly what sort of feedback you are looking for. The language was strong and the idea consistent throughout. The only thing I thought you might want to look to is the rhyme scheme – I found it to be inconsistent and that same inconsistence distracted me (for a moment) from enjoying what I was reading. Removing lines such as “not even a place for me to sit” and “waiting for someone to speak” removes that issue and does not retract from the meaning. If you want to keep the lines, you could try rewording them. For example, “letting myself inside for a peek”, could be changed to, “letting myself inside to observe.” Just a thought. Overall, a good piece of work.
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