Sci Fi & Fantasy / Haven: Chapter 1
As I walk home from a long day’s work I find myself alone in an alley. Being that I am new to New York City I get lost all the time, but finding myself in a dark and grimy alley at 1:45 A.M. is just a little unnerving.
As I become uneasy I tell myself: Lily just get over yourself, no one is here and you’re just going to end up freaking yourself out. When I begin walking again I hear the soft splash of water under my steps. The ground is wet from the rain earlier this morning. When I get to the middle of the alleyway I swear I hear an extra pair of footsteps, so I stop, and they stop too. I call out “Is anyone there?” No one answers, and thank God because if they did I don’t know what I would’ve done. I begin to walk again and hear the echoes of feet again. I stop. Nothing. I start again, but the echo just won’t go away. I start to run. This time I’ll fool them (or myself). I stop suddenly and find myself sliding to my ass. Damn I should’ve bought better shoes; I then notice the steady “spat, spat” that my feet made when I was walking. The only problem though was I wasn’t walking, I was sitting.
“Hello? You can come out now”, I call into the darkness. The sound of footsteps stops. I slowly lift myself off the wet ground. I dust my hands off and compose myself. “I know you’re out there”, I yell to the stillness. I stand peering into the dark (isn’t this the beginning of a horror movie). As I turn around a shadow of something overhead flashes across the ground. I look up and see nothing. “It was just a bird”, I whisper aloud.
I’m almost at the end of the alleyway when I hear a soft chuckle. It sounded like a child that’s up to something, but nobody knows what. I walk faster and reach the end of the alley, but there’s a problem; it’s a wall. I turn around and gaze into the dark- “shit” was all I managed.
I began to walk back the way I came when, in a deep growl, a voice said, “I would not go that way if I were you.” My heart starts to pound. “Wha, Wha… Who’s there?”
I said I would not go back that way.” A man comes out from the corner I was just in. He has dark black hair hanging in his face. His face was unbelievably handsome with his prominent cheekbones. Under his eyes where brown circles as if he hasn’t slept in years, but that didn’t matter because of his green eyes. They were a deep emerald but lighter than pastel. They were so sharp, so keen that they could slice your heart in a second. My eyes ran over the rest of his body. His skin was the color of death. His arms lanky, but for whatever reason I knew that he could snap me in half if he wanted. He wore ripped jeans and a t-shirt with the sleeves torn off. He had a trench coat the color of violet almost black wrapped around his shoulders. “Oh by the way you can call me Haven and again you should not go that way.”
“And what way do you expect me to go, up?” He just looks at me.
“Anyway but that way.” He point in front of me. “Why can’t I go that way?” I ask. He looks at me confused and then says, “Don’t you know?”
“Know? Know what?”
“You’re marked” and then nodding toward the direction I was going says, “and they are waiting for you- to kill you.
“Marked? What’s tha… wait did you just say ‘they are waiting to kill me’? Who are you and what the hell is going?”
“I told you already, you can call me Haven.”
I start to back away from him and he tells me to stop but I just run. My ankles are wet from the puddles, but I don’t care because this guy, this Haven wasn’t natural. I tell myself if I can get to the end of this Alley I’m safe. I see the street lights.
“Yes.”
“No!” There were five people in trench coats walking towards me. Two men had brown hair, one had black, one had red and in the middle was the only female who had platinum hair. Her skin was that of a ghost but shimmered, and she dressed all in red.
“Hi Lily, you have to go with us”, the chick in red said.
“Go where? Why?”
“To our cave, our ‘home’ as you would call it. Because that is what Annabelle said, and we do not ask questions we just do.”
“I’m not going any where with you until you tell me what the hell is going on.” I try to say this with confidence, but it wasn’t very helpful.
“You will come with us,” says a voice behind me. I turn around to see who it was and found the red head standing behind me grinning. I look back at the other four where he was standing just seconds ago, and then back where he is now. “How, wha… who are you guys?” I stammer.
“My name is Nash,” he grabs my wrist, “and you will be coming with us now.”
“Nash let go of her.” I look past the guy holding me and see Haven. His eyes are glowing hot with rage.
“Oooh look who it is. Haven what are you doing here? Do you have a death wish; you know Annabelle wants your heart on a platter?” said the girl in all red.
“Well at least I can say that I have balls and am not a bitch like you five.”
“Hsssss” was the sound that replied as the other four took a step forward with eyes of fury, ready to pounce. Nash says, “No, brothers (and sisters) we must not worry about him right now for she is our concern.” He turns toward Haven and says, “Now, Haven go back to where ever you are hiding because I can assure you the hunters will be back tomorrow. Come on we are to go back, for in three hours time the sun will appear.”
The man named Nash throws me over his shoulder, but before he has a chance to take a step Haven had him by the hair. He lifted me off his back and roughly set me down and tells me not to move if I want to live. Before I had a chance to respond Haven and the five were fighting.
As they fought there was a change in their appearances. Their faces seemed to slender out and their agility was keen to all elements around. They were able to move with such elegance and grace that it was almost like watching a movie in slow motion, while at the same time in hyper speed. I kept my eyes on Haven at all times, but found that there were moments when I lost him altogether. At one point he disappeared and everything stopped. The five froze in their tracks and for a second I thought we were on pause, but then the red girl yells, “Nash, grab the girl.” He runs to me but just as he reaches for my collar I was picked up and in the air flying over buildings. When I looked up I saw Haven holding me.
“Where did you come from?” I look back down and realized I must be at least 100 feet in the air. That’s when I freaked out, “Let me go, let me go.” I start to struggle, but then Haven takes and pulls me tight against his chest to where I can’t even wiggle in his arms. He tells me to just wait and then he’ll answer any questions I might have.
About five minutes later we land at the steps of my apartment. I push myself away from Haven and scrounge for my keys. I open the door and run inside and up the stairs to my fourth floor apartment. I hastily open my door and then slam it shut. I lock my door and begin locking all of the windows. I finally sit down and start wondering, What the hell just happened?
“You were almost taken by five of the most dangerous creatures on this planet- you would call them ‘vampires’.”
I turn around and by the door is Haven. I just sat there starring. I finally will myself to say “get out of my house”, but it didn’t sound too reaffirming. “No”, he says, “if you die then so do I and I’ve lost too much to lose anything more… Now what do you want to know or should I start from the beginning…”
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I loved it! We need a few more vampire stories in the world. This kind of reminds me of underworld a little bit but without werewolfs.
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Ah another vampire story….this one original so far. You need to come up with a name for them other than vampires…since Haven mentions thats what we call them by…so he must have another name for them. It’s cool so far..the fight scene was a little action-less..I couldnt imagine how Haven was managing against the five. There’s some mystery..like why she is marked…and I think it’s rare and cool that this takes place in the city..instead of some off the map small dull town.
Ah, another vampire story. Those seem to be very popular these days. Anyway, yours starts off great. It’s fast-paced and action-packed. Also mysterious, which keeps the reader wanting more. There are some mistakes though.
You have a lot of this story in present tense, when you use words like is, are, am. But you also throw in some past tense, such as these sentences:
“The only problem though was I wasn’t walking, I was sitting.” “His face was unbelievably handsome with his prominent cheekbones.” “At one point he disappeared and everything stopped”
Past tense is used most often, but if you want to use present tense, that’s fine. You just shouldn’t mix them together so often.
“Who are you and what the hell is going?” you forgot to add ‘on’ at end of question.
““No!” There were five people in trench coats walking towards me.” Who is saying the ‘no’? Lily or Haven? It isn’t clear here.
“He runs to me but just as he reaches for my collar I was picked up and in the air flying over buildings” this sentence is missing commas and should be: ‘He runs to me, but just as he reaches for my collar, I am picked up and in the air, flying over buildings’
Overall, this isn’t bad. If you post more, I think I’d continue reading.
There’s a good story here and there’s a lot of things I like about it, like how you use something as simple as wet feet to add to the atmosphere. You set the scene well as well and give the reader plenty to think about.
A negative is that you consistently use short, self-contained sentences one after another such as ‘he did this’ followed by ‘she did that’. While this style can be used to great effect during action sequences (such as during the fight or when she thinks she is being followed), its overuse can make it seem choppy, which can be very off-putting.
Another is the fact that it keeps drifting between present and past tense, e.g. “I turn around and by the door is Haven. I just sat there staring.” should be altered to either “I turned around…” or “I just sit there…” for the two sentences to agree. Myself, I’d go for past tense all the way because it makes for a much easier read.
The one thing I noticed was the change of tense midway through…stick to present tense all the way, otherwise it’s distracting. ““Anyway but that way.” He point in front of me. “Why can’t I go that way?” I ask. He looks at me confused and then says, “Don’t you know?” ” Break this up; it’s confusing if you don’t create a new line for each character speaking. That’s the grammar portion…for the rest of it, it has promise, but the genre is clogged with average vampires. Hopefully the next installments will have Haven’s explanations in them. Keep working..at your age you are doing quite well.
haha this is strange, i do have to say that. It’s very outlandish, which to me is good. :) But it seems when i read it, the dialogues doesnt do the plot justice, it simplifies it too much when i feel there should be more than insults and taunting. The dialogue is imature, frankly thats what im trying to say. But thats easily fixed. Also, at first it seems were taking on Lily’s point of view, and then u sort of just stop describing what shes feeling. At the end is where we finally remember this is all from lilys point of view. I would try to be more inside her head instead of taking sort of a birds eyes view of the scene.
Otherwise i feel that u have a good plot. :)
Good beginning. I would like to know more about the main character: appearance, age, work (why out so late?), why in New York, etc. Was she tired or ticked off before all this started?
Description of Haven’s eyes is paradoxical – a deep emerald but lighter than pastel. Are they dark or light? Dark circles under the eyes, the appearance of exhaustion, and “skin the color of death” doesn’t usually add up to “unbelievably handsome”—at least not to me. ;o)
The use of first person seems awkward and irregular (they could slice your heart in a second). Also twice she stutters (How, wha…): there are more effective ways to indicate surprise without making your character seem clueless.
Cut the reference to “cave” – I’m not sure vampires would refer to a city home as a cave.
Here’s an edit to show how you can make your writing more powerful:
“I tried to struggle, but Haven clasped me in his arms so tightly there was no wriggling free. ”Shh, patience,” he said quietly. ”Let’s get you to safety and then I’ll answer your questions.”
Keep at it! :o)
Good story, it hints to what may be a very original plot. Well written. In the sentence “It sounded like a child that’s up to something, but nobody knows what.” the last phrase is not needed, and it detracts from the reading. There is a lot of action and it is described at a good pace in most of the piece, except for example, the sentence around line # 38 could be re-written to make it more understandable.
You used too much adolescent style of language. I can tell the protagonist is young, but the narration should not rely on young adult cliche’s.
”...find myself sliding on my ass.” This phrase is too passive, it would work better to put the action on the front end.
She was on the wet ground, but then she dusted herself off? How about writing that she dried her hands on her jeans.
“I stand peering into the darkness (isn’t this the beginning of a horror movie).” This would work so much better if you could give us some real fear. What is she feeling? How is her body reacting? The readers cannot get inside her skin unless you put us there. Also, drop the parenthesis, and after getting us unside her head if you want to use the line about the horror movie, although I don’t think it’s necessary, then say something like, “I remembered laughing at all the horror movies I had ever seen; now that I feel like I am in the beginning of one, the humor is lost on the real terror I’m feeling.”
Please work on your descriptions. ”They were deep emerald but lighter than pastel.” Dark green eyes that were light? How could she see that Haven’s sleeves had been ripped off under his trenchcoat?
You have an interesting story that once fleshed out could be quite good.
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