Thank you, mannequingirl for the much needed help. I get so much praise which I honestly do appreciate, but I need a keen eye to spot these errors. It’s very hard for an author to edit their own work. We see it so much, we tend to look right past the errors. This is what I wanted. I’ll make the changes. Thanks again.
Novel Treatments / Lord of The South - Chapter 5
Emma glanced at Joshua’s plate. “You hardly touched your puddin’, Joshua.”
“I’m full. Rake it out into a bowl and I’ll have it later.”
Melody leaned on the arm of the sofa as Joshua switched on the television. Huntley and Brinkley were going over the day’s headlines on the six o’clock news when he thumbed through the TV guide, saying, “Hey, Melody, there’s a science fiction comin’ on tonight. It’s that one where . . .” she was sound asleep.
He went to the kitchen where Emma and Elizabeth were having their pudding. “You better come on in here and see about her. She’s gonna go to sleep in her uniform.”
Emma came from the girl’s room, sitting in her chair next to Joshua. “She’s sleepin’ like a kitten in a hayloft.”
Joshua snatched up his cigarettes. “Why in blue blazes does she want to work, anyway?”
“She’s independent,” Emma said with a grin, getting up to go back to the kitchen, “like somebody else I know.”
Joshua switched the channel on the television and settled back, staring at the set. Moments later he sprang from the chair and headed for the front door. “Where you goin’, Daddy?” Elizabeth asked, coming from the kitchen.
“I’m goin’ up to Joe’s place, for a spell and see if I can get her a ride to work ‘n back.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Melody slept right through the night until her mother woke her the next morning for work when she quickly got into her uniform, freshened up her makeup and hurried out the door. Joe was waiting for her when she slid into the cab of the pickup and before long, she was approaching the back door of the restaurant.
The smell of sausage and coffee was strong when she entered. The sounds of the sizzling meat on the grill, the clanging of pans and the squeak of Styrofoam as Cleo organized takeout containers, seemed warm and familiar to her as if she were accustomed to hearing it on a regular basis.
Thomas was in the back room donning his apron. “Hi there, Melody, back for more I see.”
“Well of course,” she said, slipping the apron strap over her head, turning for him to tie it, “did you think I wouldn’t be back?”
“I wouldn’t if I had a choice. Okay, you’re tied.” He smiled when she turned around. “You have the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.”
Judy came in and Thomas quickly slipped past her. Melody started to follow when Judy took her arm. “Let me give you some friendly advice, kid. You don’t want to get involved with that boy.”
“Why? He seems like a nice guy.”
“Tommy’s a great kid, but he comes from a wicked family. If you were my daughter, I wouldn’t let you within ten feet of him.” She turned to leave and paused, seeing Jake in the doorway.
He glared at her, and without breaking his stare, he calmly said, “Go on, Melody, and get to work.” She quickly slipped past him.
Judy backed away as Jake walked her across the room, putting a hand on the wall above her head, moving his other hand around her waist.
“He’s a good kid, Judy. You got no right talkin’ about him like that. He’s lost Gallen and may never see him again; so that makes us the only real family he’s got. He can’t help the kind of family he came from, no more than we can help the fact that you’re white and I’m black.”
He lowered his head, kissing her softly on the lips. She moved her arms along his chest, gently caressing his round face before moving away.
“Would you want your daughter involved with him and his family, knowin’ his father’s huntin’ him down and is probably gonna kill him when he finds him?” Jake lowered his eyes when she added, “He’s probably gonna kill us too.” She left without waiting for a response.
Pulling a chair out, he slowly lowered himself onto it as his mind went back in time, cringing at the memory of Gallen’s panicked words, “He wanted to kill you, Jake!”, shaking his head against the painful memory of the gross helplessness he had felt that night.
“Gallen,” he uttered beneath his breath, closing his eyes tightly at the memory of Anna’s mangled body at the bottom of the staircase.
“Forgive me,” he whispered. For it had only been a few months since he buried her before sharing his bed with another woman. He and Judy had lost more than some could even imagine and being thrust together, struggling to survive, they turned to each other for the strength to go on.
Six weeks later . . .
Emma sliced the meatloaf while Melody scraped a generous portion of fried potatoes and onions onto her plate. Joshua raised his glass, taking a long sip of cold sweet tea before asking, “What are you gonna do about your job when school starts, Melody?”
“Granny said I could work after school and on weekends and she said I’m gettin’ a promotion.”
“What kind of promotion?”
“I’m gonna to be trained to be a waitress.”
“Does that mean you’ll get a raise?”
“Yeah, and I’m gonna get tips, too”
Joshua slid his plate forward for a slice of pie. “I’m real proud of you, Melody. If you’re gettin’ a promotion, it means your boss is pleased with your work.”
The next day, Melody was slipping the apron strap over her head when Ruth entered the back room. “Hey, Melody,” she said, reaching for a box of plastic forks. “You working in the dining room now?”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna miss working in the kitchen.”
“We gonna miss you too, child. You a good worker. ‘Course, I knew you was a good worker from the get-go.” Melody stifled a grin, remembering Ruth’s words that first day. “Anybody can see she ain’t gonna work. Look at her. She looks like a dime-store doll standing there.”
Ruth opened the box, taking out a handful of individually wrapped plastic forks. “Don’t you be lettin’ any of those ugly ole white men be puttin’ their grubby hands on you now. If they reach for your stuff, slap ‘em cross-eyed, honey!”
Thomas came into the back room as Ruth left with her forks, shouting, “Hit ‘em upside the head with a sugar shaker!”
He paused, glancing back at her, looking questioningly at Melody. She laughed softly. “Ruth is giving me advice about what do when guys makes a pass at me.”
“Hit them in the head with a sugar shaker?” They both laughed as Melody turned for Thomas to tie her straps. “You won’t be wearing that if you’re gonna be a waitress.”
“Granny didn’t say anything about it,” she said, taking it off, putting it back on the pile. “I forgot the waitresses didn’t wear aprons.”
A young man, tall and thin with dark hair, entered the break room. “Melody, I’d like for you to meet our new dish washer,” Thomas said with a smile. “This is Billy.”
She turned with a smile. “Hi.”
“Hello,” he said, returning her smile. “Tommy’s told me a lot of good things about you. I see he wasn’t exaggeratin’ when he said you had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen.”
“They’re just blue,” she said with a grin. “Do you and Thomas go to the same school?”
”Billy doesn’t attend school anymore. I don’t go to school either. Jake has been teaching us and he does a good job.”
“Us?”
“Jason and Pete?”
“Who’s Jason and Pete?”
“They’re Jake’s boys and kinda like my brothers; we were raised together.”
“Where are they?”
“They’re home taking care of the housework & stuff. Jake gave us a choice and I chose working in the restaurant over making beds and doing laundry.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“Why are you back here, Melody? he asked, handing Billy an apron. “You’re supposed to be up front. The waitresses come in through the front door.”
“Oh!” Melody said as she turned with, “Nice to meet you, Billy,” and hurried through the kitchen. Judy was refilling cream containers when she entered the dining room. “Okay Granny, I’m ready for my first day on the counter.”
“Come here,” she said, taking a napkin from the dispenser. “Always put a glass of ice-water in front of every customer that sits down and place a napkin . . .”
Two years later . . .
Melody had grown a lot in those two and a half years, mentally, physically and emotionally. Having a job since she was thirteen had forced her to mature faster than most teenagers.
Going on sixteen, she had actually outgrown her peers, blossoming into a lovely young lady with a shapely figure, long wavy blond hair and dazzling blue eyes.
Having filled the sugar shakers, she stood in the corner smoking a cigarette behind the counter as darkness slowly fell outside the windows of the restaurant.
Joe had called earlier and said he was going to be a little late picking her up. They had already dismissed the other two waitresses because there hadn’t been more than three customers in the last hour and they were all coffee drinkers.
Judy came from the back with a stack of order pads, putting them under the counter, glancing around the dining room. “Looks like you’ve got everything done in here.”
She went to the door, switching off the lights to the parking lot. “Go ahead and turn off the burners,” she said, going back to the kitchen for napkins. That was her pet peeve. She insisted on filling the napkin holders herself.
Ingrid was leaving when Judy entered the kitchen; Ruth and Cleo had already gone. Jake was cleaning the grill when she passed on her way to the back room. “Grab me a grill pad while you’re back there,” he said, sliding the wooden panel across, closing the order window.
Headlights flashed through the restaurant window and Melody recognized Joe’s pickup. She leaned through the dining room doors into the kitchen and smiled at Jake. “Uncle Joe’s here.”
“Okay,” he said, scraping grease off the grill. “See you in the mornin’.”
Judy came stomping from the back room to the grill holding a grill pad. “I had to stand on a chair and reach way back behind everything to get this! Next time you can get it yourself.”
“I wondered what took you so long,” he said with a chuckle, giving her a light kiss.
“You get a kick out of aggravatin’ me, don’t you?” she said, running her arms around him with a feisty grin.
“Ouch!” he shouted when she pinched him on the behind, walking quickly away. “That’s right, hit & run. I’ll get you back.” He dropped the pad on the grill, muttering to himself, “Pinch me on the butt; that’s a sensitive area.”
”You ole fool,” she said with a grin, passing through the kitchen in a flood of giggles with an armful of napkin packs. “You love it.”
Jake tossed his cleaning rag on the grill to object when a wave of panic swept over him. Judy had dropped the packs of napkins and her cigarette fell from her lips to the floor as she stood in the doorway to the dining room, apparently shocked by what she was seeing.
Heart racing, he glanced at the window in the back door, catching a glimpse of a wide-brimmed hat passing by. “God help us,” he whispered, snatching up the meat cleaver, walking slowly around the steam table. His worse nightmare had come true. Amos had found them.
The cleaver clutched tightly in his hand, slowly approaching Judy, he heard a man from the dining room say, “Tell him I’m here.”
Lowering the cleaver, he let it slip from his hand, hitting the floor with a clang as he clutched his heart and shouted, “Oh . . . my . . . GOD!”
Rushing passed Judy, inadvertently pushing her aside, he paused in the dining room, staring at Gallen, whose eyes filled rapidly with tears. “Good God!” he shouted, lunging forward, throwing his arms around him. “I can’t believe it!”
Judy’s eyes filled with tears, watching them cling tightly to each other, crying like children. She knew they were close, but even a blind person could see the strong bond and she realized how hard the whole situation must’ve been for them.
“You just don’t know,” Gallen breathed in a whisper, gripping him firmly. “You just don’t know how much I wanted to contact you.”
“Me too, kid,” Jake said, stepping away, running both hands over his face to wipe away the tears, looking out through the windows at the parking lot. “Where is your Father, Gallen? How’d you . . .?”
“Relax, Jake,” he said, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket. “He’s not out there.”
“But I saw a man pass by the back window . . .”
“He’s with me. I wouldn’t put you in any kind of danger.” Gallen shoved the handkerchief back into his pocket with a grin. “I told you I’d be back.”
“Yeah, you did,” he said with a teary smile, looking him over, noticing he had changed a lot over the past few years. Of course he was older and a little more filled out, but it was more than that. He was well dressed in an expensive suit and shoes and a long black coat . . . like his father.
“Hello Judy,” Gallen said, noticing her uneasy silence. “Don’t be alarmed. I can assure you both; you’re perfectly safe.”
“It’s about time you showed up, Gallen,” she said, carrying a pack of napkins to the counter. “It’s been a while.”
Jake went behind the counter, putting his hand on her shoulder. “Why don’t you go on home? I’ll finish up here.”
She hesitated, but seeing the urgency in his eyes, she turned to leave, glancing back. “It’s good to see you again, Gallen.”
“It’s good to see you too,” he said, lowering himself on a stool at the counter, grinning at Jake, who gaped apprehensively through the front windows. “A lot has happened since I last saw you. Things didn’t go exactly as I had planned.”
“I thought I saw one of your father’s guards pass by the kitchen window a while ago, Gallen. I could’ve sworn . . .”
“You’re safe, Jake, but we need to talk.”
“I got a lot of questions too. Come on back and have a drink with me; we got a lot of catchin’ up to do.”
Gallen followed him into the back room, putting four cigars on the table, seating himself. Jake reached behind the cleaning products getting a bottle of whiskey and two paper cups before joining him. “Are those Cuban cigars?”
“Yes, and there’s plenty more where those came from.” He reached into his breast pocket, taking out a pack of cigarillos and a solid gold lighter, firing it up, holding it out to Jake who glanced curiously at it before lighting the cigar.
“That’s a mighty fancy lighter you got there, Gallen.” He paused to stared at what looked to him like a dark brown cigarette with a white plastic filter. “What the hell’s that thing?”
“It’s a miniature cigar.”
“Why don’t you smoke a real cigar and throw that stupid lookin’ thing away?”
Gallen laughed softly. “You haven’t changed a bit, Jake.”
“You have,” he said through a thick cloud of smoke.
“Oh yeah, how?”
“You put on some weight.”
“You think I’m fat?”
Jake’s belly bounced with a chuckle. “No, I’m fat. You’re just bigger than the last time I saw you.”
“You’re not fat, Jake; you’re just,” he paused to grin, “full figured?”
“Kiss my ass,” he said with a grin, pouring another round. “Okay, Gallen, I want to know everything; from the minute you left ‘til now and don’t leave nothin’ out.”
Gallen stared into space and his eyes glazed over as he went back in time. “The night I left you at that motel was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” . . .
. . . Soft lightning flashed across the early morning sky when Jerome drove the limousine out of the motel parking lot on his way back to the mansion in Greenville. Gallen sat in the back, running his fingers along the cuts and bruises his father left on his face when he backhanded him the night before, rupturing both lips before swinging his fist, knocking him off his chair to the floor.
He thought back on all that had happened and what his father said about teaching Thomas how to use a gun and how he was going to start in on him early about the organization.
Gallen cringed at the thought of Thomas being involved in any way with his father’s sorted affairs. He remembered the death threat his father made against Jake and what Jerome told him about the chauffeur, who had been hanged from the apartment porch over the garage.
He remembered Thomas sleeping peacefully next to Pete on the bed in the room and Jake standing in the doorway of the motel, looking out at him with such sadness and worry. All of which had been etched into his mind forever.
It was midday when Gallen stepped out of the limousine on his way to the black servants’ quarters when he met Clyde, coming from the back door of the mansion. “It’s mighty good to see you, sir. I see you made it back alright.”
“Has anyone asked about us?”
“Nope. And I done spoke with all the servants, sir. We know to say we saw Jake put his kids and Thomas in the service truck and then we saw him drive off with them and they didn’t come back.”
“What about the house guard?”
“He was leavin’ out the front door with your mother when I came on duty this mornin’. They looked like they’d been up all night. They laughed and cut up a lot then they told me they wouldn’t be here for supper.”
“I guess I don’t have to worry about him,” Gallen said with noticeable irritation. “All he can see while Father’s out of town is Mother.”
“I don’t think you have to worry ‘bout them, sir. I don’t think they even knew you was gone. And with them gone all day, there’ll be nobody here to say we’s lyin’ when we say Jake left with the kids.”
“Thanks, Clyde. You’ve done well.”
“You’re welcome, sir. I worked for your grandfather for several years and he was just about as mean and nasty as your father is today, but he usually had a good reason for the things he did. Your father don’t need no reason; jest depends on his mood. When your grandfather used to get mad at me, I was afraid I’d get a beatin’, but when your father gets mad at me, well, I’m afraid I’m gonna wake up dead!”
Gallen laughed softly. “Wake up dead?” He glanced through the open kitchen door. “You know, Clyde, if Father finds out about your involvement with this, I don’t know if I can protect you.”
“I’m jest glad your brother and Jake is safe. Jake’s done been to hell and back, what with his wife & all and he’ll be the first servant to escape this place since your father took over.”
“Escape? You’re hired hands; you can quit anytime you want to.”
Clyde shook his head with a grin.“Can’t none of us leave. The Clayton family packed up and slipped off last year and they’s all gone.”
“I heard they died in a car fire.”
“You heard it right too. Him and his wife, his wife’s mother, their four kids and the dog too and in the middle of the summer with all the windows rolled up. There’s no way they was gonna get out of that car the way it was wedged in between them trees.”
“They said he lost control and went off the road.”
“I stopped on my way to town and they wasn’t a skid mark in sight.”
“Why would father—?”
“’Cause they saw his guards shoot a man out back of the property. We’ve all seen or heard stuff like that. You was about ten year old when they took Henry out. You remember Henry?”
“The old guy with the goatee? Yeah, I thought he quit.”
“He was diggin’ a new burnin’ hole out back of the garage near the firin’ range one day and he came runnin’ to me, right here in this very spot where you and me’s a standin’ and said he done dug up a damn dead body.
I’ll never forget the scared look on his face when he axed me what I thought he outta do. I was scared for him too and told him to jest burry it back up and walk away from it and act like he ain’t never seen it. He got all panicky and said he was gonna pack up his belongin’s and get the hell outta here.
When I went back inside, I saw the house guard leavin’ into the dinin’ room. I didn’t know if he’d heard us or not, but I hadn’t laid my eyes on ole Henry since that day. Your father ain’t never gonna let none of us go. We can’t go to the law; he controls the law ‘round these parts. Lots of people treats their black servants bad, but your father treats us like slaves; bought and paid for.”
“I wasn’t aware of any of this,” he said, turning to the back kitchen door, entering the mansion. Gallen raised an eyebrow as all of the servants turned from their duties and stood straight-backed as he and Clyde made their way to the front entrance. He paused in the foyer and turned to Clyde. “What’s with the servants?”
“They respect what you did for Jake and your brother, sir.” Gallen glanced around at their reverent expressions and went up the staircase, pausing in the hallway at Thomas’ room.
Sadness swept over him when he thought of Thomas, remembering the look on his face when he told him his plans. He remembered how Thomas cried softly and how he held him, assuring him he would come back to get him and that Jake would take good care of him.
Having shaved and showered, he fell across his bed to rest for a while. Clyde woke him, six hours later. “Sir, your mother’s home.”
“Thank you, Clyde,” he said, rolling off the bed, running a comb through his wavy hair, staring at his cracked and bruised lips. “It’s off duty hours, you should be home with your wife.”
“The rest of the servants done left, but I gotta check a few things up here. You father will be home first thing tomorrow.”
Gallen left his room, down the hall, stopping at the top of the staircase, stepping back in the shadows. His mother leaned brazenly against the house guard at the front entrance. “I don’t want to be here,” she said with pouting red lips. Let’s you and me just run off.”
The beefy man tugged at her arms. “Heather, I know damn good and well you would never give up on getting the boss’ money. It’s the only reason you’re here in the first place. Besides that; he’d kill us both and you know it.”
“Are you saying you’re afraid of him?”
“Do bullets kill?”
“Put one in him and let’s see,” she said, throwing her arms around his neck, falling clumsily against him. “You’d have me and his fortune!”
“We’re in the mansion, Heather,” he said in a hushed, but firm tone, pulling on her arms. “You want to take a chance on him finding out about us? He’ll leave everything to those kids of yours and we’ll end up dead.”
She pushed away from him with a jerk, staggering back a few steps saying, “I would’ve eliminated that problem years ago if it hadn’t been for that Jake. The damned fool nigra just snatched that ant poison right out of my hand.” Gallen narrowed his eyes, tightened his lips and shook his head.
The house guard leaned against the door with a grin. “You did not!”
“I most certainly did,” she said in a speech so slurred it was almost inaudible. “I told him I thought it was sugar. They’re so dumb, they’ll believe anything. He told me he wanted to help me with the boys that day and I let him! Then he and that maid just took over raising them.” She turned and staggered back to him. “If they think I’m gonna let them get a part of the inheritance . . .”
“You’re a real piece of work,” he said, laughing softly. “I could get rid of them both if there was something worthwhile in it for me.”
“Don’t you think I’m worthwhile?” She fell against him. “Just get rid of my husband and his greedy little heirs all together. You and me can share the inheritance.” She put her hand between his legs and Gallen turned away as she groped and fondled the man.
“Come on, Heather, the boss is gonna to be home tomorrow and I have to sleep this off.” She laughed and fought with him until he left, closing the door behind him.
Gallen moved slowly down the stairs, watching his mother stroll drunkenly from the foyer, dropping into a chair at the dinning room table. Reaching the bottom of the staircase, he went to the dining room, approaching her cautiously. “Hello, Mother.” She didn’t respond. He put his fingers under her chin. “Are you okay, Mother?”
She took a moment to focus, pushing his hand away. “Of course I’m okay; why wouldn’t I be?” He feigned a warm smile, kissing her forehead.
Staring idly at him, her full red lips curled into a smile as she tried to stand, falling back into the chair. Gallen pulled a chair out, sitting beside her. “Mother, I’m worried about Thomas. He left with Jake and they haven’t come back.”
“Don’t worry about Thomas if he’s with Jake,” she said, attempting once more to stand up. “I don’t know why either of you would want to be with those people. What could you possibly have in common with . . .”
She fell forward, catching herself on the table, letting out a shrill laugh that sent chills down his spine. He hated that laugh. And after what he had seen and heard, he hated her too.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 321 word review has not been unlocked.
readme_pelle reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I’m going to say this right up front, I loved the way you developed your characters. It made them relatable and real, it echoed itself throughout your entire piece. I always find its easier to read a story if you can understand each person’s state of mind, even the author’s shines through and I love that. Also, I did like your colorful word choice. It made it a lot more fun to read and kept me engaged the whole way through. You used very detailed voice and made sense of your plot in a very nice way. It’s transition were well done too. I also loved the voice you used throughout the peice.
My only critizism I can offer you would be that you go through with a thesauraus and possibly spice up the word choice a bit. Sometimes using the same langauge can get overly redundant, and in using new and interesting words you can change this.
Good job, I really liked it. Farrah
- add/view comments (0)
CelestialAlchemist reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It’s good in terms of a short writing…it’s just that i don’t really get drawn into the goings on. i understand that it is following the girl Melody at her point of view as she blossoms into a woman…but i’m not sure about the story itself. What exactly is it about?
And i get the feeling there is a bit of Southern drawl in the character’s dialouge, if i am not mistaken. I have a bit a drawl myself anf imagine it as such so i assume the characters are Southern.
Nyki reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I looked over the punctuation per your request, but everything seemed to be alright for the most part… there were a few literary catches I was concerned about though… but if they aren’t what you are interested in disregard.
In the beginning there was a lot of cliche use:
1. “She’s sleepin’ like a kitten in a hayloft.”
2. “Why in blue blazes
3. Joe’s place, for a spell
Cliche’s are fine in small doses but these were all within five sentences of each other, it isn’t just about bad form when writing though, it almost discredits the author’s originality- find some words and descriptions to make your own.
The second thing is the use of dialog… while it is extremely natural and free flowing it is overwhelming and carries the story by itself. It would be nice to get more descriptions of the people and the places they are in… how times changed them and that sort. You have a wonderful gift for writing the dialog (which is often the most difficult piece to get) I would love to see you extend it into more “flowery” writing that will really catch the reader up in your web.
Overall, I think it would be fabulous with a little bit of tweaking… its on the right path!
mannequingirl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
After the six weeks later break…there’s an extra “to” (I’m gonna to be trained to be…). Towards end of section when Gallen arrives, there’s a “stared” when it should be stare…”he paused to stared at…” 2nd or so paragraph into the flashback…the word “sorted” – it should be “sordid.” When Clyde speaks, sort of in the middle of his narrative, he uses the word “belonging’s” – no apostrophe (the “his” takes care of the possession). Towards the end, when the guard is talking with Heather, there’s an extra “the boss is gonna to be home.”
Somewhere in there is an “alright.” More standard usage is as two words “all right.” Aside from these errors, and although I haven’t read the prior installments, this is a fine and engaging pice of writing. It has a nice rich thickly textured feel and it’s consistent in tone and style. My only real objection comes right at the end, the last sentence actually. It just seems so inferior to what comes before it. I think you should put something more there, after “He hated that laugh.” Something to expand on it…He’d always hated that laugh but he never knew why until now. It’s because it was her laugh… (Something just to sort of punch it out, to show that maybe he’s hated her for years but he didn’t know it, he only knew he hated her laugh. Now of course, it all comes together for him. He hates her.
Nice job. Seems like it’s been worked on with great care and attention. Good work.
curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I do certainly enjoy the strong grasp you have of the southern dialect. It makes the reader’s expereience much more enjoyable. I like it at least! It makes me feel as if I am there, as cliche as that may sound!
I also think that you do well in recreating the timer period or era about which you write. That is certainly a hard thing to do, but it is done well here.
I like how you make massive jumps in time, but I think that it needs to be done much more smoothly somehow. I just felt like there was not enough descrption around the massive jumps. Perhaps the reader needs more clarification, or I am just slow!
I like the plot, kep up the good work.
Just_believe reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow that was really long, it was all worth it though.
I really liked how you put all those words in and fit them into something that made so much snece.
You are a really good writer and I look up to your work. You have so many strong words that make big effects.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
7 Reviews 1 Comment
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 115 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
