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Novel Treatments / Lord of The South - Chapter 3
Gripped with heart-stopping panic, Jake charged from the kitchen, through the dining room to the staircase where he froze in shocking horror, seeing Anna roll down the last few steps, landing in a pile at his feet like a rag doll.
“Sweet Jesus!” he cried out, falling to his knees, slipping his arms around her. “Oh good God,” he said with a wince, cringing at the feel of her broken bones as huge bubbling tears leapt from his eyes.
Cradling her mangled body, he rocked her, caressing her hair, throwing his head back with a thunderous, “NOOOOOO!!!” followed shortly by a panicky entrance of servants and guards.
Echoing gasps came from all around as he slumped over her, his body jerking with deep sobs. Every eye lowered sympathetically when he pleaded in a heartbreaking whisper, “Please, God . . . please don’t do this.”
Lights came on over the staircase and Jake turned to see Amos standing at the top of the stairs. He scrambled to his feet, his face drenched with tears. “How could she have fallen down these stairs? She’s been up and down those stairs a million times!”
Gallen appeared next to Amos and almost fell himself, racing down the stairs in a screaming panic. “Not Annie . . . No, not Annie . . . Oh my GOD!”
CHAPTER THREE
More than a month had passed since Jake buried his wife. Clinging to his children, he continued to work in the Hollingsworth mansion, carrying out his duties mechanically as if on automatic pilot, dreading that hollow empty bed at night. During the day, he drifted in a dark fog, but at night without his Annie, he digressed into horrendous nightmares.
It was nearly lunchtime and the servants were setting the dining room table. Jake stood over a large kettle of soup, stirring idly as his mind wandered back to a disturbing conversation he’d had with Gallen a few days prior . . .
He paused as the car circled around and left the grounds before carrying the bags to the kitchen. With all of the bosses gone, he considered it a perfect opportunity to see what was happening with Gallen and Thomas. He hadn’t seen or spoken to them since the funeral.
Gallen was sitting at the desk in his room when Jake tapped lightly on the open door. “Hey,” he said with a smile, “got a minute?”
“Jake,” he said, with a note of apprehension. “Is something wrong?”
“Nah, just wanted to see how you were doin’.” I been worried about you and Thomas; I haven’t seen either one of you since . . .” They lowered their eyes and there was a moment of silence until Gallen stood up.
“I’m glad we have this opportunity to talk, Jake. There’s something I think you should know.”
“What the hell’s goin’ on around here, Gallen? You and Thomas haven’t said a word to me since . . .”
“We’ve been deliberately avoiding you.”
“Why?”
“Close the door.”
Jake paused to stare before pushing the door to while Gallen ran a nervous hand through his thick hair, preparing himself for what he was about to say. “The day before Annie’s death, Father warned me that if I didn’t cooperate with him, something untoward could happen to you or your family.”
“What?”
“I thought it was an idle threat, Jake, and it might’ve been! She fell down the stairs the very next day, but it could be a simple coincidence.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Gallen! He killed her, didn’t he?”
“We can’t know that for sure, Jake! I didn’t see what happened. Did you see what happened? That’s why we’ve been avoiding you and that’s one of the reasons why I’m not going to college; I’m concerned about . . .”
“You’re afraid he’s gonna do to me, what he did to her!”
“If he did kill her, and we can’t possibly know that for sure, yes, Jake, he could go after you!”
“Are you tellin’ me you’re not going to college ‘cause you’re afraid of what he might do to me?” Jake plunged his hands deep into his pockets and began to pace. “I’m not gonna let you do that, Gallen; I’m just gonna have to pack up my boys and leave town.”
“I said it was one of the reasons, Jake. I had already decided not to go to college before Annie died. I was worried about Thomas. I knew Father would start in on him once I left.”
He leaned against the desk with a laborious sigh. “You know how timid and sensitive Thomas is and I just couldn’t see him dealing with Father. So I decided to forget about college for a while and just go along with him to spare Thomas. But after Annie died, well, now, I’m concerned about you.” . . .
. . . Amos had left that morning for a haircut in town. Jake was approaching the mansion with two bags of produce when he saw Heather get into the town car with the house guard for her regular visit at the beauty salon.
. . . Doyle came into the kitchen, taking a tray of salads from the refrigerator to the dining room, snapping Jake’s mind back to the kettle of soup. Reaching for a jar of his specially blended seasonings, he heard a man cry out. He turned sharply and whispered, “Gallen.”
Staring at the closed dining room door, believing Anna’s death might have been the results of the last time he interfered, he turned back to the stove out of fear for his boys.
Gallen cried out again. Jake snatched off his butchers’ apron mumbling, “God-dammit all to hell!”
He ran from the kitchen, nearly knocking down one of the other servants, and charged up the stairs. Turning the corner in the hallway, he saw Gallen staggering close to the wall with blood on his face.
Amos stood before him holding a stick. “Refusal is not an option, boy!” he shouted, raising the stick. “You’re taking your place in the organization if I have to . . .”
Jake lunged forward, pinning him to the wall, “Sir, I can’t let you do that!”
Amos elbowed him, shoving him back, raising the stick to Gallen again. “You think this fool nigger’s gonna stop me?”
Jake grabbed the stick, struggling to get it away from him. “You can’t keep hittin’ him in the head like that; you’re gonna kill him!”
The bodyguards raced down the hall, pulling him back, savagely beating him. “Get away from him,” Amos said, raising the stick, bringing it down hard between Jake’s shoulders. He raised the stick to strike again when Jake slumped to his knees, falling to the floor.
“Stop it!” Gallen shouted, staggering back against the wall. “Leave him alone!”
Jake lay battered and bruised as Amos walked around him, shaking his head, mumbling, “Jake . . . Jake . . . Jake, ” before saying,“ Get him up.”
They pulled him to his feet. Amos got in his face. “You just signed your own death warrant, mister!” He pinned Gallen against the wall. “It’s time for you to become a man and I’m going to see that you do or die, whichever comes first!”
Gallen struggled against his able-bodied father. “I will not let you turn me into a two-bit gangster!” The bodyguards followed Amos as he shoved Gallen back into the office, closing the heavy double doors, leaving Jake out in the hallway unconscious.
Servants ran to him, taking him to his quarters, tending his wounds. One of the servant families took the boys in for the night, giving him time to recover.
Jake lay on his bed later that evening, trying to think of a way to leave with his boys before something terrible happened to them. He knew he couldn’t just stand aside while Amos tortured Gallen, but any intervention on his part could cost him his life or the lives of his children.
Rolling out of bed, he reached under the mattress, pulling out a wrinkled paper bag, containing his life savings. Anna’s funeral had taken nearly all of it. He tossed it on the bed and worried about what was happening to Gallen.
Back at the mansion, Gallen cringed when Amos shouted, “You’re going to be in a car with three guards. All you have to do is aim and shoot!”
“Why?!”
“Because he’s in my way and needs to be moved. You’ll be facing similar decisions. It comes with the territory and I have to know you have the guts to do whatever it takes to run the business.”
“No! I’m not going to kill a man just so–”
Amos backhanded him before sending a hard blow to the side of this head.
Thomas appeared in the doorway. Amos shouted, “Get the hell out of here!” But he didn’t move. He stared at his brother, lying in the floor where he had lost consciousness and fell from his chair. “Get the son of a bitch out of here and find his nanny! Put the stick to her back when you find her too!”
Gallen lay on the floor as they shuffled Thomas back to his room. Amos stepped over him, went to the bar and poured himself a drink. “Look at that pitiful little sissy lying there,” he said, looking around at his men.
“You see what I’m up against? I should have started in on him about this, years ago. I thought he’d want to be a part of the business. The boy’s a goddamned genius, just like his old-man. I didn’t know that damned stove jockey would turn him into a pansy. It’s going to take months to reshape his way of thinking. I’ve got to toughen him up, just like my old man did me.”
He grinned devilishly, sipping his drink, glancing around coyly. “You know what my old man did to toughen me up? I was fifteen years old when he promised me a brand-new Caddy and a high-class whore for my sixteenth birthday if I’d make a hit for him . . . alone.”
The men aahed and oohed before one of them asked, “What’d you do, boss?”
“I’d never killed a man before,” he said with a cocky tilt of his head, “and I was scared shitless. But I wanted that whore and that Caddy so bad I could taste it. I climbed the back of that barbershop, got out on the roof and hid behind the window housing. I’d been practicing my aim since I was twelve. I knew I could hit him . . . and I did.”
Wild jeers and boisterous laughter, circulated around the room as Amos poured another drink.
Gallen could hear sounds, but he couldn’t make them out. He tried to move and pain swept over him. His eyelids fluttered open, seeing the floor beneath his face. Oh God, he thought, closing his eyes against the pain in his mouth, running his tongue around his front teeth, which all seemed to be there.
Voices registered in his mind and it all came back to him. His father had struck him, rupturing both lips, spilling blood on his shirt before a fist slammed into the side of his head.
I won’t move, he decided. If they think I’m unconscious, they won’t beat me and may eventually take me to my room. He could feel his face swelling against the hardwood floor as blood rolled down his chin and dropped from his face.
Amos leaned back, staring at the ceiling. “I’m going to have to do something about that meddling black nuisance.” He shifted forward, putting his drink on the desk.
“I thought Gallen would cooperate to protect those sorry nigras. I warned him about what could happen. I noticed he did back away from Jake after the funeral, but Jake’s not backing away from him. We could beat the ignorant bastard senseless and he’d still come running with the slightest peep out of Gallen. As soon as I get back from Darlington, I want a couple of you to take him down. Maybe he can fall on one of those big knives in the kitchen.”
Gallen’s head began to pound as adrenaline flooded his body. I have to get out of here, he thought. I have to warn Jake. Gathering all of his strength, he rolled to his back. Amos turned with a grimace. “Get him out of here. Take the weenie to his room.”
Blood gushed from Gallen’s mouth when the guards dropped him on the floor in his room. He rolled to his back; tears sliding down the side of his face. I have to get to Jake, he thought, turning to his side.
Maybe I should go to Father and offer myself in exchange . . . He slowly got to his feet, his head pounding and reeling, standing on trembling legs. No. I will not succumb to his tyranny.
He moved to the door, leaning into the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. Staring at Thomas’ closed bedroom door, he remembered him entering the office right before he lost consciousness.
Thomas must be terrified, he thought, turning his stare to the closed office doors. This has gone on long enough, and I’m putting a stop to it, right now. He left his room, heading for the garage.
Jerome was looking under the hood of the limousine when Gallen entered the garage. His expression lit up with shock, seeing the blood and swelling on his face. “Sir, what have they done?”
“I’ll be okay,” Gallen said, looking cautiously back to make sure he hadn’t been followed.
Jerome glanced apprehensively at the mansion. “What has happened?”
“He’s going to kill Jake. Look at what he has done to me because I refused to gun a man down to satisfy some sick need of his. I will not let him do this to Thomas!”
“How can you prevent it? You can’t go to the authorities. Most of the higher officials work for your father.”
“He will be leaving shortly and he’ll be out of town for two days. I’m getting Jake and Thomas out of here.”
“And where will you go?”
“I have a friend in Sheldon. She lives alone in a huge house and owns a restaurant.”
“You’re going to operate a restaurant?”
“I’m coming back. I want Father to think Jake took off with Thomas, and then I will pretend to want to join his efforts to find them. It’s me he wants and if I cooperate fully, he’s not going to give a damn about Thomas.”
“So you’re really going to—?”
“There are papers in his office he wants me to sign. He said they were legal documents, binding me to the organization, making me his successor.”
“Successor? Well that would mean everything would go to you in the event of your father’s demise or incapacitation. You would inherit the whole enterprise!”
“Such as it is,” he said dryly.”
“The nightclubs and liquor stores are quite legitimate, sir, and with your head for business, you could clean up the organization and get rid of the rackets.”
“When, Jerome?! In twenty years— thirty years?”
“Well of course it wouldn’t . . .”
“None of that matters right now. My first priority is getting Jake and Thomas to a safe place, away from Father.”
“How do you propose to go about it?”
“For the past few months, I’ve seen Mother get into the town car with the house guard right after Father leaves for Darlington. They leave the grounds together and don’t come back until morning.”
“She’s cavorting with the house guard?”
“That’s what it looks like. The servants will be the only ones here. Sheldon is about five hours away so if we leave tonight, we can be back by morning. If you’re afraid, I can take them there myself.”
“That won’t be necessary, sir; I have every confidence in your ability to achieve your objectives; I am at your complete disposal.”
Gallen gave Clyde quite a start when he came through the back kitchen door. “Good Lord have mercy, mister Gallen; you look like you been run over by a truck!”
“Never mind that; you need to listen carefully . . .”
It was early that evening when Amos left with the guards for his meeting in Darlington. The house guard had just exited the grounds with Heather. Jake was pacing back and forth in his room wearing nothing but his boxers.
Startled by a soft knock, he peeked through the curtain. “Gallen,” he whispered, turning the lock.
Gallen rushed into the room. “You have to come with me.”
“What’s going on?” he asked, wincing at the blood and swelling on his face.
“Come on, Jake, get dressed; I have Pete and Jason; I’m getting you out of here!”
Jake pulled on a tee shirt and a pair of pants, grabbed his life’s savings and followed Gallen to the limousine. To his surprise, Thomas lay in the back seat along with his two boys. Gallen nudged him. “Get in!” Jake slid in beside them followed by Gallen.
“Okay,” Jake said, as Jerome drove the limousine down the long driveway, “what the hell’s goin’ on?”
“I overheard father talking about you. He’s planning to get rid of you by setting up some kind of accident. This is what I have been afraid of, Jake.
“I should’ve done this a long time ago, but I didn’t . . .”
“It was an impossible situation, Jake. I felt like it was my fault. If I had cooperated with Father in the beginning, Annie might still be alive.” He pressed the intercom button. “Keep the speed about five miles over the limit, Jerome, and carry on as scheduled.”
Five hours later
The cloudy sky shed no light when Gallen helped Jake carry the boys through the dimly lit parking lot to the motel room, laying them gently on the bed. Lightning lit up the area, exposing the long black limousine in the empty lot.
“He’s gonna find us,” Jake said, looking out through the open door. “The limo’s a little conspicuous, don’t you think?”
Gallen leaned wearily against the door facing, staring out across the parking lot. Dim lights reflected off the light drizzle floating slowly down. “The owner’s a friend,” he said quietly, “there are no other guests.”
Jake studied the terrible bruises and swelling on Gallen’s face, sadly lowering his head. Now that Anna was gone, the four boys in that room were his whole life and he had no idea how to protect them against a man like Amos Hollingsworth.
“There’s no way we’ll be able to hide from him, Gallen. When he finds out we’re gone, you know he’s gonna come lookin’ for us.”
Gallen turned, pointing to a small table in the room by the window. “The envelope on the table has everything you’ll need when I go back.”
“What? What do you mean? Don’t tell me you’re going back! Why did you bring Thomas, if you planned on going back?”
“I’m going back alone.”
With quick steps, Jake stood before him.“You can’t leave Thomas here with me, Gallen, that’s kidnaping! What are you gonna say to your—What the hell do you think he’s gonna do to you, Gallen, huh?”
“He left tonight with his guards and won’t be back for two days. When he gets back, I’ll tell him you left with Thomas and your kids in the service truck. Jerome and Clyde will plant the truck at the bus station.”
“This ain’t gonna work, Gallen.”
“He’s talking about teaching Thomas how to use a gun, Jake. He wanted me to kill a man. What if he does the same thing to Thomas? Look at my face. I can’t let this happen to him. I won’t let this happen to him! If I can get Father to focus on me, it will divert his attention from you and Thomas. In the meantime, you will be safe while I work on a way to get us out of this insane situation.”
“How? What could you possibly . . .?”
“I don’t know, Jake! I don’t know! I’m his successor. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll keel over from a heart attack, or maybe I’ll just sign the papers and shoot the son of a bitch!”
“This is crazy talk!”
“Listen to me, Jake. I’m going to fully cooperate with him; matter of fact, I’ll make myself a valuable asset to him and maybe he’ll lighten up some. But one way or another, I will be back.” He sent a lingering glance at Thomas, sleeping next to Pete. “If Thomas goes back, Father will start in on him.”
He looked back at Jake and cried out, “I will not let that happen, Jake!” He broke into tears, throwing his arms around him. “He wanted to kill you!”
Jake grabbed him in a strong embrace as tears rushed to his eyes, down his face. “It’s okay, son,” he said, holding Gallen’s head firmly against his shoulder. “We’re gonna get through this.”
A wet, soggy dawn crept up on the parking lot as Jake sat at the table, examining the contents of the envelope Gallen had left him, containing two bundles of money and a letter. He held the letter close to the lamp and read:
“There’s a restaurant in the town of Sheldon called Country Kitchens. It’s owned by a woman named Judy, who goes by the name Granny. I have already contacted her and she’s expecting you at three o’clock tomorrow. You cannot enroll the kids in school, Jake; you’ll just have to teach them yourself. Trust me on this. It will be the first place he’ll look.
When Father gets over the initial shock, I will make him think I’m joining him in hopes of finding Thomas, it will give us common ground. And once he realizes he has me, he’ll give up the search. I know you love Thomas and that you will take care of him. Take care of yourself, Jake . . . I love you.” – Gallen
Later that afternoon . . .
“Keep the change,” Jake said, getting out of the taxi, approaching the back door of the restaurant.
A middle-aged woman with bleached-blonde hair stepped out. “Are you, Jake?”
“You must be Judy. Yeah, I’m Jake.”
“Hi, Come on in.” Jake followed her through the kitchen to a stockroom with a wooden table and five chairs. “Go ahead and sit down,” she said, taking a seat.
“I don’t know what all Gallen’s told you ma’am,” he said, joining her at the table.
“You can drop the ma’am; I’m Judy.”
“Oh, Okay . . . Judy Um . . .”
“You want to know why Gallen sent you here to me, don’t you?”
“Well, I was kinda wonderin’.”
“He told me he didn’t get the chance to tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
“Two years ago,” she said, taking out a pack of cigarettes, tossing them on the table, “when we lived in Greenville, my husband, Bill, gave private piano lessons until he decided he wanted to open a music store. We owned a small house and a pawnshop, but the bank said Bill’s credit wasn’t good enough and they turned down his loan application. He went to a loan shark.”
“Mister Hollinsworth?”
“Yeah; he took the pawnshop as collateral, but the day before the grand openin’, the music store caught fire and both it and the pawnshop burned to the ground. We didn’t have any insurance and lost everything. The music store and pawnshop were both packed with inventory.”
“Oh, Lord; I bet that was a mess,” he said, taking out a cigar. “You mind?”
“No, go ahead,” she said, lighting a cigarette. “You want something to drink?”
“I’d love some coffee, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“This is a restaurant,” she said with a grin, leaving the room. Before long, she came back with a tray holding two steaming cups of coffee, sugar, cream and a plate of sweet rolls.
“Much obliged,” he said, taking a cup from the tray. “You were tellin’ me how the music store and pawnshop burned down.”
“Yeah, well, Mister Hollingsworth got the land, but it was only worth a fraction of the loan so he agreed to let Bill pay off the rest of his debt by givin’ piano lessons to Gallen and his brother three days a week and odd jobs around the grounds. It would’ve taken years to pay it off that way with the amount of interest he was chargin’ us. Gallen suggested offerin’ his father our house, which would satisfy most of the loan and piano lessons only once a week for a couple of years as full payment. My husband could get a job. We could start over. But when my husband mentioned it to Mr. Hollingsworth . . .”
“He didn’t go for it, did he?”
“Bill said his exact words were, ‘I deal up; I don’t deal down,’ and then he said he’d take the house and five years of lessons and he’d let him off on the work around the grounds.”
“Yeah; that sounds like somethin’ he’d do. With all the money that man’s got, he’ll still pinch a nickel till the buffalo shits!”
“You got that right,” she said with a laugh. “But anyway; the next day, Bill went to the bank, borrowed a thousand dollars on the house and when I got home from work, he was waitin’ for me with our car all loaded up. He gave me the thousand dollars and told me to drive to Sheldon and rent a house while he continued the lessons. He was gonna sell the house and skip out on the loan.”
“Mister Hollingsworth knows everything that happens in that town. I’m surprised your husband didn’t realize that.”
“Well he didn’t and I argued until I was blue in the face, but Bill said he had it all worked out and there was no reasonin’ with him.”
“Mister Hollingsworth caught on to him, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, the very next day after I had rented the house, I was dragged from it in my bathrobe and beaten by Irving’s guards.”
“No!”
“Then I was taken back to Greenville and dumped out on our front lawn.”
“Oh lord; you took the heat for what your husband did. I bet that didn’t set too well with him.”
“No it didn’t. Bill was so distraught when he saw those men toss me out into the yard he came runnin’ from the house wavin’ a loaded gun . . . and they shot him.”
“Oh shit!” Jake blurted, with a hand over his mouth. “Good God in heaven!”
“It was almost like they were expecting it. They just raised their weapons and riddled him with bullets.” Her eyes filled quickly with tears, snatching a napkin from the dispenser on the table.
“Despite the beatin’ I got from those guards, the authorities ruled it self-defense and cleared them of any charges.”
“Well I’ll be damned.”
“Mister Hollinsworth did pay for Bill’s funeral, but the day after the funeral, he made me sign the house over to him. It was all I had left. I lost my husband, my house and was flat broke.”
“I guess you told him that.”
“Yeah, but he said it was what I got for marryin’ an idiot. Then, he gave me twenty-four hours to get out of the house.”
“That son of a bitch!”
“I was packin’ my bags later that day when the limousine pulled into the yard and Gallen got out. He gave me two hundred dollars and his phone number and told me to call him if I needed more.”
“Yeah; that sounds like Gallen.”
“I came back to Sheldon and got a job here at the restaurant. An old widow woman owned it then and when I told her what happened, she let me move in with her and when she passed away, she left me the restaurant and the house.”
“Well, good for you. I’m glad somethin’ good came out if it for you.‘Course, I’m sorry ‘bout the widow.”
“I called Gallen soon after and thanked him for all he had done for me and told him if he ever needed a favor not to hesitate and I meant every word of it. There’s nobody but me livin’ in that big old house behind here and there’s plenty of room for you and the boys. You can stay as long as you want.”
Judy considered Jake a godsend as he took over the kitchen and helped with repairs and decisions. Every day, Jake had to look over his shoulder. He lived in constant fear of Amos finding them. He also lived with the fear that something dreadful had happened to Gallen and wondered if he would ever see him again.
Five months later . . .
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Mojo5306 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Without knowing the full story line and or the time period…I really like this story’s tone….like Roots meets the Godfather! I felt for Jake right away and want him to succeed. There were a few areas that I couldn’t get through smoothly…
I had a hard time following this couple of lines:
He paused as the car circled around and left the grounds before carrying…
I didn’t understand the transition between thinking of a prior conversation and pausing for a car? Maybe I missed something?
...conversation he’d had with Gallen a few days prior . . .
“I overheard father talking about you. He’s planning to get rid of you by setting up some kind of accident. This is what I have been afraid of, Jake.
“I should’ve done this a long time ago, but I didn’t . . .”
“It was an impossible situation, Jake. I felt like it was my fault. If I had cooperated with…
Shouldn’t this all be in the same paragraph if it is still Gallon speaking?
Your conversations flow well and I like the way you keep the dialogue in it’s time. However, the use of the word “shit” may not have been relevant to the time period?
Overall I’d say it’s an interesting story with the action moving along nicely and engaging characters. I didn’t find any obvious grammatical errors.
Write on!
Mojo
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PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
“I have a friend in Sheldon. She lives alone in a huge house and owns a restaurant.”
“You’re going to operate a restaurant?”
This is NOT a logical train of thought in this situation for the Chaufer to say. He should just ask, “and what are you going to do sir?” and then Gallen would then state “I might be able to help her run it to support us while I think of what next to do.” ”Or say ‘Let me worry about that’” That way the stage is set as it seems you are trying to do here.
Other than that – Good job!
Smile,
Princess
kjoey35 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
First, let me say that reading this was a great pleasure. I don’t typically enjoy these sorts of stories and found myself instantly interested. Your storytelling abilities are excellent, providing consistent narrative and characters that come to life. Your description of both events and environments gives enough to create imagery wihtout boring readers with every nook and cranny. Please note that the majority of these criticisms are subjective, as you have proven to be very proficient at sentence structure and properly phrasing dialogue.
1)”seeing Anna roll down the last few steps, landing in a pile at his feet like a rag doll.” to “landing like a ragdoll at his feet.”
2)lept instead of leapt?
3)”Every eye lowered sympathetically when he pleaded in a heartbreaking whisper, “Please, God . . . please don’t do this.” to ” Every eye lowered sympathetically as he pleaded in a heartbreaking whisper, “Please, God . . . please don’t do this.”
4) “How could she have fallen down these stairs? She’s been up and down those stairs a million times!” sounds too clumsy (the structure, not the girl :-)). I would change it to either him being so distraught with grief, he only briefly noticed one of Amos’s goons standing at the top, a knowing or suspicious glare at Amos.
5)”he continued to work in the Hollingsworth mansion” I’m assuming by this point the reader knows the name of the mansion, so I would suggest “he continued to work in the Hollingsworth” or “he continued to work at the mansion”
6)”Staring at the closed dining room door, believing Anna’s death might have been the results of the last time he interfered, he turned back to the stove out of fear for his boys.” could probably be made into two sentences. “He turned back to the stove. The last time he interfered, Anna had died. Helping might put the boys’ life in danger this time.
7) “his able-bodied father” could use a different adjective, such as “towering” “hulking” or “massive”?
8)”kidnaping” is “kidnapping”,
9)”to get us out of this insane situation” to “to get us out of this insanity” sounds more conversational
10)” “Yeah; that sounds like Gallen.” can probably be ommitted. They’re both aware of how compassionate Gallen is, so Jake’s remark feels like it interrupts her dialogue.
I don’t know if you just wanted to enlighten the reader about what was going to be happening in the future, but the last paragraph pushes through the story far too quick. The speed and tempo of your narrative excelled up to this point.
Jake also used a clever line regarding buffalo nickels, which hinted at a witty man in more relaxed circumstances. If it was just an intance of brilliance, I would recommend ommitting it only because there are readers like me who look forward to seeing what the wittiest character will say, and it would be disappointing to find out that it was a one-time deal.
Also, I noticed you used nigger, damn, and shit in your story. If you’re willing to use profanity in this story, Amos should be calling Thomas names far more vile than “pansy” and “weenie”.
Again, these are just my thoughts about how I would change the piece if it were my own. However, I hope I have helped you in some way as this review has taken over an hour to write! Yeesh! Anyway, take care of yourself and I look forward to reading more work of yours in the future!
ramsrock37 reviewed Version 1 -
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Chapter 3 is great. I want to know what’s going to happen next. One thing which throws me off a little is the way you leave one scene and go to another. Example: “Five hours later”. As a suggestion, you could use the number sign and then start your next scene, The cloudy night . . . black limosine in the empty lot. Jerome had driven perfectly, keeping his speed five over the limit as Gallen had asked. It’d stil only taken them five hours to arrive at their destination. This is only a suggestion, and of course, word it your way, but it makes the transition from one scene to the next more uniform using the number sign, thus helping the reader know what to expect. You have my curiosity peaked. I want Amos to suffer and terribly!
swebat822001 reviewed Version 1 -
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Out of everything i have read on this site, this is definately my favourite. You definately have a good imagination and im sure if i read this in a book i would want to keep reading. You’ve used alot of good metaphors and your detailed description of everything is spot on. Overall it has been a pleasure to read
ultraviolence reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice job. This is fairly hard-hitting stuff. I’d cut back on your use of ellipsis (...) if I were you. Also, having him yell “NOOO!!!” when his wife dies is a perfectly logical reaction, but it’s been done so many times it seems cliche, unfortunately. Consider a slightly different reaction. I also feel like your style could use a little more flair. A bit more description of the characters and their surroundings, maybe. Over all, good work.
One more thing: I also feel like the “five months later” and “two weeks later” type headings are unnecessary.
pipiluv69 reviewed Version 1 -
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First, the word “leapt” which was in your second comment made, should be spelled, “lept”.
Secondly, the word, “untoward” just doesn’t seem to fit effectively in the line that reads..”something ‘untoward’ her could happen”... perhaps something like this might be less distracting..”something horrific could happen to her”...(Just an idea there).
Overall, this is an exceptional storyline for a novel and I really enjoy reading it.
The overall structure of it is quite good.
I honestly would love to see this as a published work and I would undoubtedly buy a copy of it, if it is ever put into print, despite all the cuss words…lol.
JoeDimeck reviewed Version 1 -
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While the foundation has been built for this, it still needs a little refining. In order to not “cheat” my way through the review, I’m going to post one sentence and hopefully it will allow you to find other examples upon further revision.
Jake paused to stare before pushing the door to while Gallen ran a nervous hand through his thick hair, preparing himself for what he was about to say.
“Pushing the door to while Gallen” seems like a typo and if it isn’t it throws the reader off as it did to me. There appeared to be a lot of these minor errors throughout, but if you go back and reread it you should be able to spot them in addition to cleaning areas that were fine but could have been better.
Personally, I have noticed it is easier to revise or edit a piece of work when I come back to it days, weeks, or even months later. Usually by then I have improved as both a reader and a writer, and can properly assess and fix sentences or passages that are just wordy, awkward or distracting to the reader.
Nevertheless, you have done a good job and like all pieces of literature, simply need to rework certain areas.
Have a good one,
Joe
Reaper reviewed Version 1 -
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Before I start with the suggestions, I just want to say, this is a great story and I’m looking forward to reading more. The characters are likable, of course, a little more discription on thier appearances might be nice.
You use the semicolon several times. This may just be my personal opinion here, but I think the semicolon is the most useless punctuation ever created. It stirs people to ponder on the rules of grammar, too often distracting them from your words.
He could feel his face swelling against the hardwood floor as blood rolled down his chin and dropped from his face. – I like this sentence, but I think it might sound a little smoother if that last part read – dripped from his face.
Gathering all of his strength, he rolled to his back. Amos turned with a grimace. “Get him out of here. Take the weenie to his room.” Blood gushed from Gallen’s mouth when the guards dropped him on the floor in his room. He rolled to his back; tears sliding down the side of his face. I have to get to Jake, he thought, turning to his side. – You have Gallen rolling onto his back twice in a very short amount of time. Maybe you could skip the second time and just have him turning to his side.
Maybe I should go to Father and offer myself in exchange . . . He slowly got to his feet, his head pounding and reeling, standing on trembling legs. No. I will not succumb to his tyranny. – When you insert a character’s personal thoughts, changing the perspective your work is written from, sometimes it helps to italicize those thoughts. Most readers won’t mind, but it has potential to confuse some.
He moved to the door, leaning into the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. Staring at Thomas’ closed bedroom door, he remembered him entering the office right before he lost consciousness.
Thomas must be terrified, he thought, turning his stare to the closed office doors. This has gone on long enough, and I’m putting a stop to it, right now. He left his room, heading for the garage. - Here’s another example of how inserting thoughts can be confusing, especially when you have ‘he thought’ between comas. It would lead most readers to believe ‘turning his stare to the closed office doors’ is a continuance of his thoughts. Also, I’ll only mention this once, but you have it throughout a good deal of your story and in the section above as well. A lot of your verbs end in ‘ing’. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it does get a little repetitive and takes away from the very intense and interesting story you have going. Maybe try switching it up every now and then and try: He moved to the door and leaned into the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. – It still conveys the same message, it just has an ‘ed’ after lean, instead of the ‘ing’ that follows enough of your verbs to be obvious and distracts from an otherwise very well-written story.
Look at what he has done to me because I refused to gun a man down to satisfy some sick need of his. – Shouldn’t there be a coma before because?
He will be leaving shortly and he’ll be out of town for two days. – Shouldn’t there be a coma after shortly?
It’s me he wants and if I cooperate fully, he’s not going to give a damn about Thomas. – Comma again, after wants.
“Such as it is,” he said dryly.” - quotes are not needed after dryly.
...examining the contents of the envelope Gallen had left him, containing two bundles of money and a letter. – you probably don’t need the word ‘containing’ in here.
Feel free to send me a message when you have more posted. I’d be very interested to read more. :)
Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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‘More than a month had passed since Jake buried his wife’ – had buried. He’s finished burying her now so it’s Pluperfect and not Imperfect.
Ok – the rest of it seemed fine: although to be honest, I was busy being gripped by the story. It had good strogn characters, although some of the dialogue got confusing when several of them were talking. Overall though, this was well done, and I got the atmosphere of an oppressive Deep South Town with one man in charge (altho to start with, I thought it was Mafia related).
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