I’m agnoostic myself, which is why I think I possess the irreverence necessary to pull this off as a novel, of which this is a fragment of the first chapter. And yes, the overkill on the language/pun/Christ contrasts had to be toned down a bit.
Thanks for your review.
Humor/Satire / prologue, Jesus & Me
Prologue
The Bible says the Son of God will return like a thief in the night. Now, I’ve never placed much faith in the Bible— hell, I’ve never placed much faith in anything— but I believe that part.
You see, when I met Jesus, he was coming down a fire escape on Sixth Street with a DVD player under one arm and a laptop under the other.
To be perfectly honest, I was in no mood to meet the Christ that night. No mood to meet anyone. Why? One word: gaffle.
Gaffle can be either a noun or a verb. In its verb form—to gaffle—the word simply means to rip someone off, to give them false goods. As in, “Man, when I got home and put that bootleg porn in, a Mickey Mouse cartoon popped up. Muthafucker gaffled my ass!” Legion are the ways in which to gaffle the unsuspecting. In its noun form, gaffle means only one thing. Fake dope. Fake rock cocaine to be exact. Counterfeit crack.
The thing about gaffle and crackheads is this: They know it’s out there. They know the hollow feeling, the disappointment of unwrapping the rock, heart thumping, palms sweating, and putting it in the mouth only to taste the numbing sensation of some backalley amalgam of Orajel and baking soda. Or worse, be in such a hurry for the freight-train rush of that first hit, that they drop it directly onto the pipe and put the long flame of a cheap lighter to it, sucking greedily, only to get the taste of burnt plastic in their lungs.
No sizzle. No smoke. No high.
And yet, when it’s two in the morning and San Francisco’s finest are thick in the Tenderloin section of the city, when the Ellis Street brothers, the Civic Center Dominicans, and the Mexicans on Sixteenth and Mission are nowhere to be found, a crackhead will buy a wrapped rock from a guy who looks so strung out and is moving so fast that the pipe dream he’s selling can be only one thing.
Fuckin’ gaffle.
And he’ll do it again and again, convincing himself somehow that the next time, it’ll be the good shit.
Crackheads are, you see, eternal optimists. I should know; I was one— or am one, depending on whether you believe in moving on from the past, or in twelve-stepping your way into the disease-slash-God realm of eternal suffering and hard salvation.
Now, you might think that’s harsh coming from a guy who spent almost a year with the Son of God. You might be full of shit, too.
But I digress.
It was raining that July night in the city, and cold in the way that only San Francisco in the summer can be.
Jesus came flying down that fire escape like a bat out of hell, excuse the pun, arms loaded, bare feet slipping and sliding on the textured, painted iron, but somehow managing to stay upright. It wasn’t walking on water, but it was a damned sight to see. Until he hit the second floor access landing, that is.
It looked to me like someone had welded the rollers on the drop ladder, probably to keep non-paying guests out—this is Sixth Street we’re talking about here—and when the Christ bumped the latch and jumped, landing with his full weight on the top rung, expecting it to slide right down to the street, well… it didn’t. Fuckin’ thing stayed locked like a pit bull’s jaws on a toddler’s throat.
Jesus, on the other hand, kept right on going down.
To this day, I still can’t place a finger on exactly what it was that possessed me to dive under a scraggly, barefoot burglar on that cold and rainy night. Maybe I thought he’d split the cash from the sale of the goods with me, and I’d get to play gaffle bingo one more time before I had to find a dry hole to crawl into and crash. Maybe not.
Whatever the reason, that son of a bitch landed on me like a two hundred pound bag of bolts. The DVD player and the laptop hit the pavement with a crunch that told me I wasn’t gonna be taking him over to the Philipinos in front of the Donut Star for quick cash, and when we got up, I could only gape at him in anger, disappointment plain on my bloody face.
The bastard was smiling. Smiling!
“What the fuck’s so funny, asshole?” I asked the Son of God, unaware of who and what he was.
He put a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t shake it off. “I’ve been looking for you.” The voice did not match the appearance. Not at all.
“Yeah,” I said, “looks to me like you’ve been looking for home electronics. In all the wrong places.”
“No.” The voice was gentle. Patient. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“OK. I’ll play. Why have you been looking for me?”
“Are you not lost?”
I’ll be honest. My first instinct was to kick the shit out that hippie bastard, and then rifle through his pockets. My second was to run, and not look back. Why not? I’d been doing it all my life.
I did neither. I looked Jesus right in the eye, and did something that went against every instinct for survival I had developed over ten hard years of prison and the streets. I told the truth.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m lost.”
He extended a dirty hand. I could see the caked filth thick beneath his nails. “Then, come with me.”
I did.
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stephanie482 reviewed Version 1 -
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You certainly have a talent!
I loved this, although there are a thousand ways you could expand on it – and I sincerely hope you do!
You are great at description – that much is obvious. And while I usually abstain from vulgarity in writing, I honestly believe that you would lose SO much in this piece if you cleaned up the language.
I could “see” this as I read it – it was almost like I was there. The dirty, dusty glitter of San Francisco – the cold grey metal of the fire escape, and your “Jesus” intent on pilfering what he could from those who had little to begin with.
Expand – please. Who is he? Where did he come from? Where did he go? What did he teach you? I’d love to see more.
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Spud1000 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very funny. You have a very witty use of language that shows through from start to finish, going from the casual way you come out with all sorts of non-PC things such as putting the reader in the position of a crackhead to some priceless turns of phrase (“locked like a pit bull’s jaws on a toddler’s throat”). Not altogether sure where you’re going with this in terms of direction, but I’m sure that’ll come down the line. Also, it gets a bit choppy in some places. For instance, the dialogue doesn’t flow nearly as well as the rest of it.
merocet reviewed Version 1 -
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This is extremely well written and enjoyable to read.
There was nothing I would change, except the part about the pit bull, but that’s only because I’m a complete wuss.
It was funny and not unlike the fabulous Ben Elton who writes some very funny stuff of a similar nature.
I would have liked to have read more and would definately read this if it was ever published, even though it’s not my usual thing.
Are there any more chapters? I would certainly read and review them. Well done keep with this and I’ll look out for it.
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the idea of this story and thought you told it very well. Most of the story seems to be about the crack addicts hunger for a decent high because he finds he’s being robbed in the drugs department or even in the life department. I liked how you explained the word gaffle for all of us none drug takers.
I think he saves the thiefs life, and the thief is meant to be jesus, and the crack addict has saved his soul because he did an act of kindness in that he saved the thiefs life, I suppose like Jesus did when he was being crucified. Good premises for a story I agree. I was a little dissapointed though not to learn more about the thief or what happened when the crack addict followed him.
But then again the story works as is.
A very well written read appropriate to the festive season.
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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Huh? What happened to the ending? I’m sorry, but I didn’t understand this piece at all. You had great descriptive action, and you had some parts that were mildly humerous. I admit to the guilty pleasure of seeing the Jesus you depicted as a “son of a bitch”. Due to my strong religious beliefs, I usually wouldn’t find that funny, but oddly enough in this piece it worked.
JDAnon reviewed Version 1 -
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This is amusing and entertaining, but it is definitley not a humour piece. why? Its not funny. or more, its not funny enough. You should reclassify this as a short story or something where your reviews may differ and actually be more helpful to you.
The anecdotal tone of the narrative is good, its amusing. Its funny in the way films like Pulp Fiction are funny- its serious with the odd great line.
Now, I do like this, but I’ve had to give you low ratings because they all regard possible publication, and this is along way off being publishable.
Restructure, rewrite, reclassify and fix the tiny grammatical errors which affect publication chances- its what people say to me.
Sorry if this comes off harsh, but I think this deserves to be given a fair chance and the way you’re going about it you are limiting its potential. good luck.
Taoistpunk reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the story, though at times you killed the flow for me.
ex. “Jesus came flying down that fire escape like a bat out of hell, excuse the pun, arms loaded, bare feet slipping and sliding on the textured, painted iron, but somehow managing to stay upright”. No need to say “excuse the pun”, as it worked fine without it.
The story was chock full of information I had no previous knowledge about, especially about gaffle, which I now plan to throw into regular rotation. Thanks for that.
Honestly, as an atheist, I found the ending a bit trite, but it definitely makes sense, given the preamble.
Overall I really liked it, and will be looking for others you have written.
FeralOne reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this highly amusing. I’ll be honest, if I read this while perusing at Borders, I’d add it to my list of books to get. It might not be tops on the list, but especially the first few paragraphs had me chuckling, and I’m all curious now as to what will happen next. Jesus stealing a DVD player….. :)
Electric reviewed Version 1 -
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Actually sets up a lot of laughs. I thought it would be “eh” but it’s actually not bad, and a definitally good prolouge and I’d love to read the rest; it would definitally make a good book.
cavalaxis reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, what a roller coaster ride. This is a damned fine piece of writing. This is tight. This dumps me in the action straight away, trickles just enough back story in it to keep me interested, gives me a fallible human character that I can care about, that I care what happens to, and then pays off big time. Thank you. This is the best piece I’ve read on Urbis today. Simple, well-crafted, with a powerful punch. Good stuff. All tens.
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