Thank you Reilly, I appreciate the help. As you can see I’m not very good with punctuation. I’ll make the changes.
Novel Treatments / Lord of The South - Chapter Two
Anna rinsed the last dinner plate as Pete and Jason sat on the floor in their living room listening to the radio with their father. She dried her hands and went to the living room window, peeking out through the darkness at the mansion.
After a quick look around, she was about to close the curtains when she saw Amos pull someone to the window in his office by the front of their shirt. It was Gallen.
Jake snorted as he catnapped in his chair. She closed the curtains, believing it unnecessary to tell him. There was nothing he could do and it would only upset him. She was worried and upset enough for both of them.
CHAPTER TWO
The mansion was filled with activity the next day as Amos conducted business in his huge office and servants scurried around the rooms tending their duties. Jake was standing at the sink peeling shrimp when through the kitchen window, he saw Gallen sitting on a bench by the tennis court. Although the tennis court was a good distance away, it was obvious that Gallen was upset.
Doyle, one of the other house servants, was rather thin and frail for a man of thirty-two, but able and competent. He was cracking ice into a bin when the house guard entered the kitchen, barking orders.
“The boss wants ice and he wants it now so drop what you’re doing, darkies and hop to it.” Jake turned from the sink holding a shrimp when the guard yelled, “You got one of those things in your ears, lard-ass?”
“I got the ice right here, sir,” Doyle said, lifting the plastic bin. “I’ll be right . . .” the bin slipped from his hands, scattering ice across the floor. Doyle lowered his eyes, stepping back when the guard reached for the stick, leaning against the wall. Jake rushed from the sink and stood between them.
“Go ahead, nigger,” the guard sneered, raising the stick, “try and stop me.”
“I’ll pay dearly for it, but you’re gonna have to go through me to get to him and if I gotta pay . . .”
He paused, lowering his brow, leaning closer. ” I’m gonna make it worth it!”
Nose to nose like bulls in a pasture, Jake added, “And the boss ain’t gonna take too kindly to the one that causes him to miss his biscuits and gravy; can’t nobody make it like me. Plus the fact that me and my wife are raisin’ his kids.”
The house guard glowered strongly at him as he hesitated; Jake was no small man. He knew also that Jake was right about the unique positions he and his wife held as custodians of the boss’ children. The whole situation could backfire on him.
“I’ll clean this all up, sir,” Doyle pleaded, cowering behind Jake. “I’ll wash all this ice and have it up there right away.”
The guard slowly lowered the stick. “Get your sorry ass back to work!” He turned and left the kitchen. Jake went to the window, taking another look at the tennis court. Gallen was still sitting on the bench, slumping over.
Leaving the kitchen, Jake headed for the tennis court. Hearing footsteps in the thick grass, Gallen turned as he approached. “What’s the matter, Gallen?” he asked, lowering himself to the bench.
“He doesn’t want me to go to college.”
“Your father?”
“He wants me to learn the family business,” he said, getting to his feet, facing the mansion. “They’re just glorified gangsters, Jake; I won’t be a part of that.”
“Why in the world would he even consider such a stupid thing?”
“He’s trying to convince me I’d be better off spending the next few years learning the business instead of wasting my time at college. I’m afraid things are going to start getting ugly. I may have to leave before it gets to that.”
“Leave? You mean, run off?”
“I’m not sure yet. He just sprang this on me last night. I haven’t had enough time to sort everything out. Don’t worry, Jake; I can take care of myself.”
Leaving Gallen at the tennis court, head down, hands in his pockets, Jake slowly approached the mansion. There’s got to be a mistake, he thought, stopping beneath a pine, lighting a cigar. That Harvard school said Gallen was some kind of Einstein. How can his father stand in the way of that? There’s got to be a mistake. Mister Hollingsworth’s mean and selfish, but I can’t believe he would hold Gallen back like this.
Gallen left the tennis court, entering the service garage. “Hey, Jerome,” he said, passing around the limousine, “you busy?”
“Good morning, sir,” he said with a slight pause. “Is something the matter?”
“I need to speak to you.”
“Yes of course; what’s on your mind?” Gallen glanced back at the mansion, leaning against the front of the limousine.
“You were right about Father. He told me last night he wants me to forget college and start familiarizing myself with the business.”
“I suspected as much; what did you tell him?”
“I told him any idiot could be a racketeer, but I wanted to be an engineer.”
“I’m sure he didn’t respond too kindly to that.”
“He became furious, saying I was his son and needed to take my place at his side– like he was ever a father to me. We had a yelling match and I finally ended it by saying I needed to think it over.”
There was a moment of silence when Gallen stepped away from the limousine, standing beside the counter. He stared out through the open garage door as Jerome silently wiped tools, putting them into slots along the back of the counter. “This whole thing is about control. If I go to college, he loses control over me and it’s eating him up inside.”
“Your father has always held a tight grip on the reins.”
“Thomas is almost thirteen. If I were to somehow get away from here, Father will go after him.”
“You seem to be between the proverbial rock and hard place, sir. Attending college would mean deserting your brother, leaving him in the hands of your father. Giving up your chance for college and taking the position your father has offered you will only tighten the grip he already has.”
“I’m not giving up college, but I may have to put it off for a while until I can decide what to do about Thomas.”
Later that day around sundown, Clyde was leaving the mansion through the back kitchen door, followed by Doyle and two other servants when Gallen approached from the tennis court. “Hello, Clyde,” he said, nodding to the others. “Are you all calling it a night?”
“Yeah, it’s been a long day, sir. The wife’s got a cold beer a waitin’ for me.”
The grounds keeper pushed a wheel barrow around back of the mansion, propping it against a maple tree, saying to Gallen,”Evenin’, sir.” giving a quick nod to his fellow servants.
“You’re all finishing a little late tonight, aren’t you?” Gallen asked, stepping to the back kitchen door.
“The house guard gave us some last minute chores,” Doyle said, walking towards the grounds keeper. “All the other servants done gone home. Let’s get on outta here ‘fore he finds somethin’ else for us to do.”
“I won’t keep you then,” Gallen said with a soft laugh, “see you tomorrow.”
“Have a good evenin’, mister Gallen,” Clyde said as they all turned to go.
“Not so fast, Clyde,” the house guard said, brushing past Gallen when he stepped out through the back door holding a stick. “You think you can just leave the entrance door wide open and go about your merry way?”
“But you told me to, sir. You said you was gettin’ somethin’ from the town car and to leave the door open.”
“You were supposed to wait and close the door. That’s your job, or did you forget that?”
Gallen shook his head with a huff. “You’re saying you don’t know how to close a door?”
“Stay out of this, Gallen,” he said, raising the stick to Clyde. “Run tell your father if you don’t like it.” The eyes of the servants flew open wide when Gallen yanked the stick out of the guard’s hand, breaking it over his knee, staring fiercely at him.
The house guard leaned towards him. “You know full well I’m in charge of the nigras.”
Gallen tossed the broken stick out into the yard with a sneer, “Run tell Father if you don’t like it.” He turned to the servants. “You’re off duty; go on home.”
They hesitated, giving a quick nod, hurrying to their quarters. The house guard brushed angrily past Gallen into the kitchen, on his way to report the incident to Amos.
The mansion was quiet that evening. Amos was in his office going over papers at his desk when Jake entered. A heavy hand came down on his shoulder and he turned, facing the bulldog expressions of the bodyguards.
Amos’s voice came from behind the desk, “Well, mister Johnson, to what or to whom do I owe this uninvited visit?”
“I been working here a long time,” Jake said with obvious edginess, “and I know Gallen’s not my kid and it really ain’t none of my business, sir. But I just can’t help thinkin’ there’s been a mistake. I mean, Gallen thinks he’s not goin’ to college.” He scratched the side of his head and laughed nervously. “Surely that’s not—”
“Jake . . . Jake . . . Jake,” Amos said, cutting him off , putting the pencil on the desk, glaring up at him. “You’re treading dangerous ground here, mister.”
“I’m not tryin’ to tell you what to do, sir. I’d never do that. I think Gallen might be confused. I’m hopin’ it’s a mistake and I think . . .”
“I don’t make mistakes,” he said casually, and then he shouted, “and you’re not paid to think!”
Jake swallowed hard, realizing he had done a foolish thing. “Yes sir.”
“Nobody questions me, especially one of my own goddamned servants!” He waved his hand, shouting, “Get him out of here!”
The bodyguards grabbed him, tossing him out of the room face down on the hard wood floor in the hallway as heavy double doors closed behind him.
It was late night when Gallen knocked softly on the door, pushing it open, entering his father’s bedroom. Amos sat in the plush leather chair close to the fireplace with a book. “The house guard said you wanted to see me, Father?”
“Yeah,” he said, pointing to the twin chair opposite his. “Come on over here and have a seat.”
“Is something wrong?” Gallen asked, lowering himself into the soft leather.
He turned his book over on the table. “Your dear, sweet Jake, paid me a visit this afternoon.”
“Why–what for?”
“What do you think?” he asked with a bit of sarcasm, reaching for his drink. “I also heard about what happened between you and the house guard over Clyde.”
“The man’s a total idiot, Father. Why do you allow him to mistreat the servants the way he does?”
“You have to keep those ignorant sons of bitches in line, Gallen. He knows his job. And if Jake knows what’s good for him and his family, he’d better back away from trying to talk you into going to that college. The business is supposed to fall to you, but I’m not putting your name on a damned thing until you give up this college nonsense.”
“But Father . . .”
“Hell Gallen, you’ve already got more degrees than me. You’ve got a 160 IQ and you’ve been in school long enough. All you need to learn now is in those files in my office and that could take months; you need to get started on them. You also need to learn how to use a gun—you and Thomas both.”
“Thomas? He’s not even–”
“I’m not going to wait with Thomas like I did with you and have to go through this shit with him. I’m going to make sure he knows where he belongs before he even finishes high school.”
“But Father, Harvard University has offered me—”
“I’m offering you a goddamned multi-billion dollar enterprise!”
There was a moment of silence until Amos stared into his brandy saying, “I know you’ve got some kind of affection for the nigras, Gallen, especially Jake and his family and I’m sorry to have to do this, but I’m giving you fair warning. Forget about this Harvard nonsense before something happens to one of them.”
Gallen rose slowly from the chair with an icy glare. “I’ll keep that in mind, Father.” He turned and calmly left the room.
Amos swished his brandy when Gallen left, talking softly to himself, “Lesson number one, Gallen; I never bluff.”
As Gallen made his way to his room, hoping his father’s threat was idle, Jake lay awake in his quarters, beating himself up mentally for being so foolish as to just walk right into Amos’s office, questioning his decisions concerning his family. He turned over, pulling the covers up over Anna’s shoulder, staring at the back of her head as his mind wondered back in time to their first year at the mansion . . .
. . . Gallen was only three years old, annoying Jake, following him around the kitchen. “Listen, kid,” he said, staring down at Gallen, wearing his little Flash Gordon tee shirt and short pants, “you’re in my way. I’m afraid I’m gonna step on you.”
His tiny hands held Jake’s pant legs, climbing onto his shoes. Jake laughed softly, reaching down, taking his hands, walking him around the kitchen.
Their dance was interrupted when Bertha came in from the dining room. Jake despised Bertha. He always referred to her as the skinny old white witch. She was over sixty and in his opinion, too old for the job of family nanny.
“Come with me, young man,” she said, grabbing his arm, pulling him away from Jake. “You have to be strapped in for your nap.”
“Do you have to strap him down, Bertha? There’s plenty of servants here if he gets up.”
“If you think you can do a better job taking care of this mischievous little devil then I suggest you apply for the job, or mind your own business!”
“He’s not a devil; he’s a three-year-old.”
Gallen let out a squeal when Bertha yanked his arm, pulling him to the dining room door. “Come with me, Gallen.”
It was only one month later when Bertha became ill and passed away. Anna was the upstairs maid at the time and was asked to fill in as nanny until a suitable replacement could be found.
The regular family nanny was given a room in the mansion and was on call twenty four-seven. But Anna lived in the black servants’ quarters and was off duty at seven o’clock, leaving Heather to care for Gallen until she came back on duty the next morning.
Jake was furious when after a few days, Anna came running into the kitchen, carrying Gallen. His arms and legs showed bruises, scratches, and his lip was swollen. When he asked Heather about it, her response was, “I couldn’t get the kid to shut the hell up!”
Another nanny was hired and she was almost as bad as Bertha, but in an opposite way. She was slack in her duties and Anna would often find Gallen crying, strapped to his bed in a pool of urine.
Thomas was nine months old when the nanny was let go. Amos said he wanted Heather to take on her responsibilities as a mother, but the truth was; he was cheap and had grown tired of spending money on what he considered unnecessary help.
He had also cut overhead by dismissing three servants, leaving the rest of the staff overburdened and insisted that Heather not involve them with caring for the boys, taking them away from their regular duties. Many times when Amos was gone, Anna would hear a sharp slap before hearing Thomas, scream at the top of his lungs while Gallen lay strapped in his bed and softly cried.
Jake had just made a large pot of oatmeal when Heather entered the kitchen wearing an expensive peignoir, yelling insanely, “Both of those brats are screaming their damned heads off up there and my husband will be home any minute. I need something to feed them, right now!”
He quickly prepared two bowls of oatmeal wanting to smash them against her head, but he put them on the table and to his surprise, she just stood over them, gazing idly out the window. “Is somethin’ wrong?”
“No,” she said with a vacant stare.“I need some honey to put in the oatmeal.” He reached for the jar of honey and she insisted, “I don’t want that one. Go to the cellar and fetch me a new jar.”
“But—”
“Just do it!”
When he disappeared into the cellar, she hurried outside through the back door, grabbing the small box of ant poison she had seen on the sill through the kitchen window.
Jake stopped at the top cellar stair and was absolutely floored, seeing her sprinkle ant poison over the two bowls of oatmeal. He rushed across the kitchen, snatching the box from her hand. “What the hell are you doin’?!”
“I was just putting sugar in the oatmeal! How dare you take . . .”
“This is ant poison!”
“You’re kidding!”
Not for one minute did Jake believe she didn’t know what she was doing and became terrified for the two innocent little boys upstairs.
“Your husband really needs to hire you some help with the boys,” he said, tossing the oatmeal into the garbage.
“The cheap bastard won’t hear it.”
Anna entered the kitchen with a worried expression. “The children have been cryin’ for a long time and . . .”
Heather jumped at her. “Don’t you think I know that?!”
“Mrs. Hollingsworth,” Jake said, stepping between them, “why don’t you let me and Annie help you take care of the boys? We can feed and bathe ‘em and put ‘em down for their naps.”
“Amos isn’t going pay . . .”
“I didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout no money,” he said, glancing at Anna for reinforcement.
“Yeah,” Anna said, “don’t worry about it. Me and Jake are crazy about the boys.”
Heather pushed by them on her way to the dining room. “You can start right now by feeding the screaming little monsters.”
Within just a few weeks, Anna became known, even by Amos, as the upstairs maid and nanny. As long as they adequately performed their other duties and he didn’t have to pay extra, he didn’t seem to mind.
Jake shook his head at the memory. Taking care of the boys had given them a unique position in the mansion above all the other servants. But he was beginning to realize their comfortable positions were becoming complicated, and a lot less comfortable.
The next day began hot and muggy as Jake approached the mansion from the black servants’ quarters, opening the kitchen door, switching on the lights. He was lighting the stove when Thomas wandered sleepily into the kitchen.
“Hey now,” he said, reaching down, scooping him up.“What’s a sweet little kid like you, doin’ out of bed this time of the mornin’? It ain’t even daylight yet, you silly boy.”
Thomas laid his sleepy head on Jake’s shoulder. “I had a bad dream. I was looking for Annie.” Thomas would often go through the back door during the night to Jake’s house. Anna would crawl out of bed to let him in, knowing he’d had a bad dream.
Jake carried him out of the kitchen, through the dark dining room, up the long staircase where he turned down the hall and entered Thomas’ bedroom. He gently laid his head on the pillow, pulled the covers up and kissed him. “Annie will be up here soon.”
Later that morning as bright sunlight spilled harshly over the pines, Doyle drove the service truck around to the black servants’ quarters. Children scurried out of the little houses into the back of the ’56 Chevy pickup with books and paper bag lunches.
Anna came out of her house, followed by Pete, who said, “I know I had a fever, Mama, what if it comes back?”
“If you had studied for that test,” she said in a firm, yet sympathizing tone, “instead of horsing around with Jason in the woods . . .”
Pete’s thin face lit up with surprise.“It’s not the test, Mama; I really was sick.” She grinned at Doyle, who snatched him up, putting him in the back of the truck with the other kids.
“You don’t really think your mama’s believin’ that business ‘bout bein’ sick, do ya child?” Pete hung his tiny head over the closed tailgate, staring pitifully at his mother.
Anna’s heart went out to him. She smiled, gently caressing his sad face. “This is what happens when you put things off, Pete. You’re just gonna have to bite the bullet and see if your teacher will let you take the test again at another time. I’m sure she will.”
Jason rushed from the house, dropping his books. “Get a move on, Jason,” Doyle said grumpily. “You’re gonna make the rest of the kids late.” He bent down to pick up the books when the seat of his pants ripped, rising slowly as the kids laughed with a barrage of comments about his weight.
“Stop that!” Doyle snapped. The laughter turned to snickers as Anna quickly hustled him back into the house to change
“They all think I’m fat,” Jason said, snatching off his pants.
“You’re just outgrowing your clothes, honey.” She helped him get into another pair of pants and kissed his face with a smile, following him out the door.
The boys waved from the back of the truck. “Bye, Mama!” Anna threw kisses and waved, making her way to the mansion.
Jake was preparing coffee when she stepped into the kitchen, running her arms around him from behind, resting her head on his shoulder. “Watch it now,” he said with a chuckle, tilting his head to touch hers. “Did the kids get off to school okay?”
“Pete tried to convince me he had a fever,” she said, kissing the back of his neck. “He’s got that history test today.”
“I’m sure his teacher will let him take the test again. I’ll go over it with him tonight. Maybe this will teach him not to put off his studies.”
“Jason ripped another pair of pants this mornin’.”
“We can’t wait no longer to get him some new clothes, Annie. He’s gonna start thinkin’ he’s fat.”
“I know,” she said, slipping away from him. “He already does. He said so when he ripped his pants.”
“Let’s you and me take the bus into town tonight and take care of that. Sears & Roebuck is open ‘til ten. I don’t want the other kids makin’ fun of him.”
“You gonna buy me some dinner?”
“Why don’t we stop by that barbecue place?”
“Sounds good. Anything happening here this morning?”
“Thomas had another nightmare. I just carried him back to bed a while ago. He was down here lookin’ for you.”
“That poor thing. I’d better go check on him.”
Jake filled the percolator with water, putting it on the burner as Anna left the kitchen. He smiled at the feel of her warm body against his, wondering what a woman like her saw in someone like him as he didn’t consider himself a handsome man.
It’s my manly charm, he thought with a grin, rocking his head side to side, filling the sink with hot, soapy water. The aroma of coffee drifted from the kitchen when out of the quiet morning there was a terrible scream.
Gripped with heart-stopping panic, Jake charged from the kitchen, through the dining room to the staircase where he froze in shocking horror, seeing Anna roll down the last few steps, landing in a pile at his feet like a rag doll.
“Sweet Jesus!” he cried out, falling to his knees, slipping his arms around her. “Oh good God,” he said with a wince, cringing at the feel of her broken bones as huge bubbling tears leapt from his eyes.
Cradling her mangled body, he rocked her, caressing her hair, throwing his head back with a thunderous, “NOOOOOO!!!” followed shortly by a panicky entrance of servants and guards.
Echoing gasps came from all around as he slumped over her, his body jerking with deep sobs. Every eye lowered sympathetically when he pleaded in a heartbreaking whisper, “Please, God . . . please don’t do this.”
Lights came on over the staircase and Jake turned to see Amos standing at the top of the stairs. He scrambled to his feet, his face drenched with tears. “How could she have fallen down these stairs? She’s been up and down those stairs a million times!”
Gallen appeared next to Amos and almost fell himself, racing down the stairs in a screaming panic. “Not Annie . . . No, not Annie . . . Oh my GOD!”
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readme_pelle reviewed Version 1 -
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ramsrock37 reviewed Version 1 -
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Here are some of the grammatical errors. “it was obvious that Gallen was upset.” Leave out “that”. You can get the point across without it. “He also knew that Jake”... Again leave out “that”. “Let’s you and me take the bus into town tonight and take care of that. In this sentance, instead of that, you could say, ”...town tonight. We’ll buy him some pants to fit him.” ... “That poor thing.” Instead, you could say, “Poor little guy.” There was also a sentance missing a period.
It’s very compelling. You have a lot of charater interaction, which makes it interesting for the reader. I want to learn more about these charaters.
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ShiriHatcher reviewed Version 1 -
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First off before I start doing the errors, you made. I have to say that your writing pulled me in the story. It got me interested at the moment, I had laid my eyes on it. There was little errors in here though.
[ “Yes of course; what’s on your mind?” Gallen glanced back at the mansion, leaning against the front of the limousine. ] I felt that it should had been a comma after the “Yes” and a period after the word “course”. There’s no need to use the ”;” all the time at least not when its a short statement, it would be understandable to put it there if the sentences/diagolue was long.
[“Run tell your father if you don’t like it.” The eyes of the servants flew open wide when Gallen yanked the stick out of the guard’s hand, breaking it over his knee, staring fiercely at him.]
It should had been: “Run and tell your father if you don’t like it.” Your sentence had a slight error but I understand.
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey…
I’m sad (and indeed happy) to say that I didn’t spot any spelling/ punctuation errors. Sorry if I missed any, but I really think (asides from your stylistic spacings, ellipsis etc) you’ve got it more or less perfect in that respect.
There was a lot I loved about this, but I thought the dialogue was astonishing. I adore stories that tell a separate story in the dialogue to the basic on being told in the narrative. Not that this story was by any means “basic.”
I thought it was laden with intrigue in the dialogue and there was a quick expertly managed pacing which made the tense and climactic pay-off at the end of the chapter all the more explosive. I’m rather picky about capitals in stories to convey volume and despair, but it didn’t seem to matter here (that’s my bugbear).
Stellar work, sir.
Harold_P
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t notice any grammar errors that aren’t site formatting, like paragraph indentations.
This has a lot of characters to keep track of. It really slows down the reading to have to check who’s who. With the point of view bouncing around, it gets even more difficult. Some of the sections are in either Jake or Gallen’s viewpoint, but they aren’t mentioned by name until the third sentence. One such section is the one that starts “Later that day around sundown, Clyde…” It seems like it’s going to be in Clyde’s viewpoint, but then it moves back to Gallen’s. You might want to switch it around. Instead, say something like “At sundown, Gallen left the tennis courts to visit Clyde.”
Aside from all the characters, this is very interesting. I know this story needs a large cast of characters, but be careful not to introduce too many of them at one time.
I look forward to reading more of this.
Smilodon reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed it, the characters were well developed, the environments were fleshed out and the descriptions accurate and deep. The plot is good, progresses well and builds up to a climax steadily. The only thing I felt was out of place was some of the dialogue seemed to be very wooden and it feels very staged and planned. Sorry about it being a short review, its hard to write reviews for good pieces, because theres less to critise
Reilly616 reviewed Version 1 -
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You don’t seem to want a review so I’ll just show you where I think the grammar and punctuation can be improved.
Jake was standing at the sink peeling shrimp when[,] through the kitchen window, he saw Gallen sitting on a bench by the tennis court.
“The boss wants ice and he wants it now so drop what you’re doing, darkies and hop to it[,]” Jake turned from the sink holding a shrimp when the guard yelled, “You got one of those things in your ears, lard-ass?”
“Doyle lowered his eyes, stepping back when the guard reached for the stick [which had been] leaning against the wall.” I think this works better than just a comma.
“He knew[,] also[,] that Jake was right about the unique positions he and his wife held as custodians of the boss’ children.”
“He wants me to learn the family business,” he said, getting to his feet, facing the mansion[,] “They’re just glorified gangsters, Jake; I won’t be a part of that.”
“Good morning, sir,” he said with a slight pause[,] “Is something the matter?”
“He stared out through the open garage door as Jerome silently wiped tools, putting them into slots along the back of the counter[,] “This whole thing is about control. If I go to college, he loses control over me and it’s eating him up inside.”
“Later that day[,] around sundown, Clyde was leaving the mansion through the back kitchen door, followed by Doyle and two other servants[,] when Gallen approached from the tennis court[,] “Hello, Clyde,” he said, nodding to the others[,] “Are you all calling it a night?”
“The grounds keeper pushed a wheel barrow around back of the mansion, propping it against a maple tree, saying to Gallen,”Evenin’, sir[,]” giving a quick nod to his fellow servants.”
I’m sure you can work out the rest from this. As you can see it is mostly commas. In particular, at the start and end of quotations. It is a very interesting story and these are only very minor points.
ldeniseb reviewed Version 1 -
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The mansion was filled with activity the next day as Amos conducted business in his huge office and servants scurried around the rooms tending their duties.
This sentence is long, not really a run on just long. Maybe break it apart with a period after next day and cap As…
The story over all is good I like the plot. The POV bugs me a little it feels a little choppy. Like you’re writing in third person in places and inside the characters in others. (That may just be me, but it feels unclear.)
I would try to avoid semi-colons a little more. They tend to break the readers flow more than periods and commas. (Personal preference again.)
I hope the next installment shows the anger Jake and Gallen will feel over Annie’s death.(Again an asumption because you didn’t make it perfectly clear, she could just be badly injured.
LIA reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow this was an intense and very discriptive read. I enjoyed reading it and I was wanting more at the end of the second chapter. The mechanics was on point and it completely drew me in. Every character was relayed in total detail. I say brava and keep inking the pages. This book will definately make it to the top
Lakitu reviewed Version 1 -
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That was fascinating and extremely professional.
I only spotted one error, you seem to have elided a ‘not’:
“Nobody questions me, especially NOT one of my own goddamned servants.”
I’d buy and read this novel. The one and only complaint I have concerns the end of the chapter. Jake throwing his head back and shouting ‘NOOOO’ is too stereotypical and seems below your abilities.
Please finish and publish this book.
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