princess. sorry my bad. Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate it.
Poetry / No Sympathy for this Queen...
Look upon the fallen Queen not with sympathy
Rather see her for what she has become
Know who she was
A fallen kingdom
Lost her dominion
Careless and Heartless
Selfish with emotion
She threw the sick to road
Vultures upon the royal body
A blind eye and a black heart
No compassion given
She took it all away from herself
A King pushed out
Forced away from his two beautiful princess
New imposter to the thrown
Sat down on my chair
Not but months after my banishment
Claudius! Oh the traitor and deceiver!
Do you think I play the fool?
Or are you the fool to think I am one?
Speak from your cavernous mouth
All I hear is echoes of the dead
Your words are so repetitive in my head
Nothing new to say?
Treachery beyond your borders
Taking over a kingdom
Dividing Princess
And Oh! You the Queen?
In jest maybe!
Your face is Gertrude
All along my watch
You take my eyes far away from the heirs
Moving out past a perceived grasp
A King I am!
A King I shall always be!
The Prince to a holy father
I will always be on humble knee
For this I vow
This I promise unto all that read and hear alike
A Kingdom is being rebuilt
Heirs to a new and wonderful world
I bind myself not to just two but three princes of glory!
A new Queen upon a royal bed
Unto you the old impoverished Queen
Your withered face and frail body
No longer have real power
You can not rule
I have played you for the fool
Your simple mind has let you fall unto yourself
My hands are clean
What say you of yours?
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goofygoober168 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think with some editing and perhaps reformatting you’d have a good piece here. Giving it some structure, ie, breaking it into stanzas, would make a difference on readability…and there are a few spots where the wording is a bit awkward (“She threw the sick to road”) but the narrative is good. Keep writing!
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Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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Dividing Princess -Princes or princesses?
I like the poem, but I didn’t get that line. Are you calling the queen a dividing princess, or are you saying she split up prines or princesses?
Great work. Not much more I can correct on.
Roz reviewed Version 1 -
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I would suggest a tightening up of the lines, ie editing. A bit more structure imposed on the lines though I love free verse as well. Understood? A 10. With editing, the other numbers go up as well.
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