Haiku/Senryu / Rain

I like your idea here.  I feel that your comma on line one is a bit distracting though.  It makes me feel like the whole thing is a run on sentence.  By simply deleting it, it leaves it open for me to read it as a fragment/phrase grouping and I can get a clearing image.

Very good,I would change rain to tears,(just a suggestion)
After a good cry the soul is cleansed.

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November 30, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Nice interpretation.

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i like the alliteration and unique usage of onomatopoeia in second line.
i’m not sure if i like “nebulous.” i don’t think it conveys the right image or at least the image i have in mind based on the content, which is more of something empty, hollow rather than misty/cloudy.

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November 25, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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The poem was intended to be about crying, and how it can make you feel better, so the nebulous was referring to the clouds (as a metaphor for us).

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As you are going more for Haiku than Senryu here, I will tell you that “the” and “from” are considered filler words. “Clouds and rain” are very much nature. “nebulous” is a cosmic term that falls more under a Cosmiku. “souls” is very human. So you are trying to put nature, cosmic and human into one haiku. Very ambitious.  

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November 20, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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The ‘the’ is a filler, I agree. I think the meaning becomes very ambiguous if ‘from’ no longer exists, so I don’t think that is a filler. Even in the original Japanese, a word like ‘from’ is necessary. A definite article isn’t though.

November 20, 2007

by ScottBJohnson

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possibly you are right about the “from”. I like the haiku, I just think that you have aspects of many different types of haiku and I as a reader am trying to determine which way you are going.

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Dear Writer,

I like the idea of “nebulous souls,” this is a great image.

I enjoyed your haiku.

Cheers!

R

If you’d left the comma out – then the first line could have a nice dual use: Either, as you’ve put, telling the clouds to rain, or referring to the clouds raining in the passive tense.

It’s still good though – relaxing and serene.

This doesn’t quite work for me.  The opening line is more ordinary than poetic and I really think ‘pitter patter’ belongs in a nursery rhyme rather than a serious haiku.  I don’t know why souls would be nebulous or why the rain would take their pain away.  Perhaps others will have a different perception.

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November 15, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Souls would be nebulous if I were drawing a connection back to the clouds. Rain (ala tears) usually helps as an outlet of pain.

November 15, 2007

by Lapin

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I can see what you mean but it just doesn’t quite speak to me.  It obviously does to others and I only speak from instinct not expertise. :-)  Poetry is after all the most personal expression.

November 15, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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Yeah, but whenever people say things like “My poem is personal, so maybe you just don’t get my feelings!” I always feel like it is such a cop-out. I don’t really want to fall on that defense. I’ll think about what you said.

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This feels almost like a prayer. Endearing, very nice. 10

I like it. Itcarries emotion just one question ..what does nebulous mean? I felt that word disrupted the flow but that may be simply because I am unfamilliar with it.

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November 11, 2007

by Sean_Allen

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neb·u·lous      /ˈnɛbyələs/
–adjective
1.        hazy, vague, indistinct, or confused: a nebulous recollection of the meeting; a nebulous distinction between pride and conceit.
2.        cloudy or cloudlike.
3.        of or resembling a nebula or nebulae; nebular.

November 11, 2007

by labyrinth

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ahh then it’s simple sweet and (almost) perfect

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This was beautiful.  I love that it’s a command/request to the clouds.  I particularly appreciated the alliteration in line two.  ”nebulous” ties the souls to the clouds very nicely.  :)