yes, unless you see two words in “build a border my
family
telling them there is no reason fear a vanishing
world” that I don’t see, you’re missing that they are missing two words.
Where is your review helper? Because I like what
you came away with expressed in # 3.
I love the counting; it’s what makes it for me. I bet literary magazines are going to jump through hoops to be the one to have this in their magazine.
(Unless the author says no words are missing from the last verse—then, it dies there.)
Poetry / A Brief Condemnation of Society as Told to You by an Agoraphobic
A Brief Condemnation of Society as Told to You by an Agoraphobic
Alex Vermitsky
there are six trees and five fences
eleven swing-sets rusted and hollow
fourteen Spanish gardeners with
six combined mortgages
all put on this earth
to work fifty of the three hundred acres
my grandfather was given for a handshake
complimented nicely by the right tumbler of expensive bourbon
but there is only one I’m concerned with
whose hands are strong and cracked by the changing weather
and splintered with the veins of his twenty year old rake.
he looks at me through the window of my four story house
unafraid of the way things are
of my money
in his mind a noble pursuit
not a shameful desire.
and one day he’ll live in this house
with my wife and my children
content to count my riches
by the number of friends he’s put to work.
till then I’ll keep the dogs angry with gunpowder
hungry with promises of raw meat
and build a border my family
telling them there is no reason fear a vanishing world
ignored for the sake of time
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NoodleGirlsie reviewed Version 1 -
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Very clever!
Not so much a condemnation of society I think, as a condemnation of self… So afraid of everything. So afraid of risk and change.
In the last few lines, do you mean “build a border AROUND my famiy”? and “no need for fear OF a vanishing world”
Favourite line: ”Six trees… five fences… eleven swing sets, rusted and hollow…” Lovely attention to detail. Lovely subtle image building. :)
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mvminer reviewed Version 1 -
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Dang! I don’t know what happens at the end but this is a really well-written poem. Concise as hell, reminds me of my own, every word seems to count and be placed with the whole mosaic picture in mind. Good job.
The last stanza seems to be missing a couple words, I’m thinking maybe something got screwed up when you posted it (as just happened to me) cuz I can’t make sense of why you would leave them out intentionally.
It sounds like it should be “build a border--around [or] for--my family”
And then it sounds like it should be “there is no reason TO fear a vanishing world” BUT with those two pieces in place that last line STILL falls flat with me! The whole stanza is great, the whole poem is good BUT the last line does NOT do it justice, you gotta be able to do better than that, find an ending that REally Rocks.
Other smaller criticisms. I don’t know why everybody on here insists on spelling “til” as in UNTIL with two ‘L’s—maybe there’s some nonsensical rule I don’t know about.
And then the punctuation/capitalization—Not sure WHAT you are trying to accomplish with that, putting in so little punctuation and yet Still Not Capitalizing words when you know you should. Comes off as immature.
The First stanza is VERY STRONG, but I would love a comma after HANDSHAKE and a period after Bourbon. You can still start the next sentence with “But”...or “but” as it were, but since there’s so much going on in that first chunk, it would be a good thing to break it off so it can be swallowed with satisfaction.
“content to count my riches/by the number of friends he’s put to work”—probably the best line. GOOD JOB!
M.
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Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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deadchalk reviewed Version 1 -
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1. My initial impression of this poem is that it’s just as much about economics as it is about fear. There’s a tinge of class anxiety, a hint of Marxism.
2. I like this poem. Part of the reason I like it is that I don’t entirely comprehend it. I am left with a sense of mystery…
3. What stands out most about this poem is the speed with which the gardener becomes a convincing threat. Three lines turn him transform him from faceless worker to potential danger. The emphasis on his hands tells you all you need to know. He’s capable.
4. The title caught my attention. This was a recommended poem, and it stood out clear as day in the list of choices. I like it a lot. The wordiness has a Salvador Dali-style flavor to it.
5. This text’s strength is the set of irrational conclusions drawn by the narrator. He sees a noble savage of sorts in a simple gardener, he fears annihilation and displacement. He wishes to comfort his family against the loss of a vanishing world, but clearly he says so only to deceive himself.
6. The author could possibly develop this strength by adding some emotional content. The tone is calm yet uneasy, I think the uneasiness might shine a little more towards the end. Not that the poem NEEDS changes of any sort.
7. I don’t perceive anything glaring that could be labeled “weakness”, but I do have a comment about the numbering in the first stanza. The rattling off of numbers sent my brain into hysterics trying to find what their significance was. I’m not sure what to take from them.
8. I wouldn’t suggest removing the counting from the stanza, I would maybe suggest giving the audience a conclusion to draw from them. Maybe.
9. There’s a lot going on in this poem. I’m not so sure it’s good for one particular audience or bad for another, but I will say that anybody who likes paranoia or dislikes aristocracy would feel right at home here.
10. Am I missing anything?
caveboypedro reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like your style of writing. I especially like the last stanza…till then I’ll keep the dogs angry with gunpowder
hungry with promises of raw meat
and build a border my family
telling them there is no reason fear a vanishing world
ignored for the sake of time….Nice work and thank you for the review.
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