DC Allen, thank you for your most helpful reveiew. This is the kind of help I really need.
The Item you were looking for is marked as mature. If you are 18 or older please login to view it.
Novel Treatments / Lord of The South
Synopsis
What could a wealthy young man from a high profile family,
possibly have in common with a middle-aged black servant,
an old British chauffeur, three hard-working black ladies
in a small town restaurant and a sixteen-year-old girl?
Set in 1950’s Deep South, Lord of The South, full of rich
imagery, exposes the lives of people from completely different
backgrounds, cleverly bringing them together. Like most Southern
novels, Lord of The South, envelopes all that is special about
the region and its people.
Gallen Hollingsworth, the protagonist, wants to attend college,
but doesn’t want to leave the man he loves and respects above
all others, the man who raised him, Jake Johnson, a humble black
servant.
Gallen leaned against the pine, staring at the stream. “I was just
thinking about how much I’m going to miss you when I go away to
college.”
“Yeah, me too,” Jake said with a grimace. “I’m gonna miss you too,
kid.”
Amos Hollingsworth, Gallen’s father, the wealthiest crime-lord in
the south, believes Gallen has been in school long enough.
“All you need to learn now is in those files in my office, Gallen.”
“But Father, Harvard University has offered me . . .”
“I’m offering you a goddamned multi-billion dollar enterprise!”
Jake intervenes when Gallen is attacked by his father.
Jake lunged forward, pinning Amos to the wall, “Sir, I can’t let
you do that!”
Amos elbowed him, raising the stick to Gallen, “You think this
ignorant black bastard is going to stop me?”
Jake grabbed the stick, struggling to get it away from him. “You
can’t keep hittin’ him in the head like that; you’re gonna KILL him!”
The limousine chauffeur is Gallen’s most trusted friend.
“What has happened?”
“He’s going to kill Jake. I’m getting him out of here.”
“And where will you go, Gallen?”
“I have a friend in Sheldon. She lives alone in a big house and
owns a restaurant.”
Jake takes over the restaurant kitchen, interacting with three
black ladies with strong personalities.
“Oh get on back to that greasy ole grill, Jake; we knows our jobs!”
Melody Anderson is only thirteen when she seeks employment at the
restaurant.
“Anybody can see she ain’t gonna work. Look at her; she looks like
a dime-store doll standin’ there!”
Two years later, Gallen returns with all the power and authority that
once belonged to his father. We go back in time to that tearful night
when he left Jake, returning to the mansion. He soon realizes the only
way to be free of his father, is to overthrow him, taking his place as
the most powerful crime-lord in the south.
Gallen merges back into their lives, which now includes Melody.
Approaching eighteen, having developed into a beautiful young lady,
he becomes obsessed by her as their relationship evolves into an
emotional roller coaster.
“Cut it out!” he yelled, pushing her roughly against the seat,
drawing back quickly when she spat in his face.
“Don’t touch me!”
Meanwhile, Gallen and Jake ride an emotional roller coaster of their
own.
“If you think I’m gonna stand by and watch you kill a young man
just because he’s somehow linked . . .”
Melody entered the room. “What’s . . .?” Jake spun around.
“GET OUT!”
She jumped against the door with wild eyes, scrambling out of the
room. Jake grabbed Gallen with both hands, panting, nostrils flared,
eyes wild, lowering his voice but not his tone when he said, “I didn’t
raise no cold blooded killer!”
Gallen is attacked by vicious adversaries who would like nothing
more than to see him dead.
“So you’ll be seeking revenge?”
“You’re damn right,” Gallen said calmly before shouting, “With a
goddamned PASSION!”
Gallen begins mistreating Melody, as he exposes himself to the
greedy practices and perilous consequences that are saddled with
his ambitions of becoming … Lord of The South.
PRELUDE
Sheldon, Georgia
just outside Atlanta
Sunrise, August, 1957
The rusty old Ford raised a cloud of dust when it left the
blacktop, pulling into the lumber yard. The engine retired to
a sputtering wheeze giving way to the soft rumble of thunder
in the distance. A hot August breeze scattered dried pine needles
along the surface of the hood as a tiny whirlwind danced across
its flatbed.
An elderly gentleman in faded overalls eased his way out of the
truck moving slowly toward the path that led to the sawmill. Birds
erupted into flight and his heart began to race at the alarming
sound of a woman’s shrill scream.
He hurried to the hill overlooking the valley where he saw a woman
in a white housecoat, being forced from her house by four men in
dark suits. Early morning sunlight spilled harshly around the
treetops impairing his view.
Cupping a hand over his brow hoping to get a better look, he
crouched with a gasp when they struck her. They were too far
away for his aged eyes to accurately identify who they were
but his eyes were wide with shock as he watched them force her
into the black town car and drive away.
Greenville, Georgia
350 miles south of Sheldon
five hours later
The black stretch limousine exited the garage, circling around
to the front of the Hollingsworth mansion. Gusty winds preceding
dark clouds scattered magnolia leaves across the redbrick drive
and along the steps leading up to the mansion entrance.
Jerome was sixty-two and had been the Hollingsworth family chauffeur
for several years. His thinning gray hair glistened with sweat as he hurriedly exited the driver’s side door to prepare for his employers’ arrival. Glancing nervously at the top of the steps, he brushed the
dust off his chauffeur’s uniform, donning his cap.
Amos Hollingsworth appeared at the top of the steps in one of his
finely tailored suits. His immediate appearance with his lean stature
and dark wavy hair, graying only at the temple, gave credence to his physically fit physique, all the more hiding that he was a man over
fifty.
With arrogant confidence he started down the steps, accompanied by
his two bull-necked bodyguards. Jerome could feel the sweat roll
down the side of his face as they approached the car. “Good morning,
sir.” He said in his heavy British accent. “Where to?”
“What’s your goddamned hurry?”
“No hurry at all, sir.” Jerome was accustomed to Amos’s brash
comments and had learned to keep his eyes straight ahead and
respond with polite indifference. “Standing ready.”
The house guard exited the mansion wearing a loosely fitted
dark suit, brushing thick fingers over his sweat beaded
forehead calling out, “You sent for me, sir?”
Jerome was grateful for the distraction as Amos turned from him,
glaring harshly at the house guard. “Where the hell is that damned
doorman?”
“The upstairs maid said his wife was sick. I guess he’s checking
on her. You want me to go get him?”
“I’m going into town. I want you to tell the ignorant darky he
just lost a day’s pay. If he’s not back soon, put the stick to
his back.”
A horn sounded as a black town car pulled alongside the limousine,
coming to a rocking stop. Jerome’s eyes flew open wide when four
large men dressed very similar to the other guards exited the car
with a middle-aged woman wearing a blood-stained white bath robe.
Strands of bleached blonde hair clung to her face, cemented in place
by the blood which had seeped from her nose and mouth. In unison the
guards let go of her arms, dropping her onto the redbrick drive as
she let out a tired grunt of pain. The captain of the guards came
around the town car. “Here she is, boss.”
Amos shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he leaned against
the front of the limousine in a boastful posture and addressed his men.
“The best way to get your point across to a man, is by direct and clear communication.”
The house guard came down the steps to steal a closer look. “What’d
she do, boss?”
“Not a thing,” he said, going around to the opened door of the limousine. “It’s what her husband did. She’s just the message.”
He nodded back at the captain of the guards. “Deliver it.”
Two years later . . .
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Cleveland reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Hi I took a look at the synopsis and wondered if you might have put in too much details.
You’ve included dialogue and that almost makes it the actual story rather than a rough outline. I have started making notes to tighten up on your synopsis, cutting out spoken words, keeping things in general terms and trying to introduce tension. But with your knowledge of the South you will be able to deepen the setting, the mood and make the synopsis blossom. However what I noted was something along the following lines. I’m stopped when I couldn’t figure out what exactly was happening in the synopsis. Perhaps you might see my problem. It was knowing the how, the who and the why. I got confused. however,
What could a wealthy young man from a high profile family,
possibly have in common with a middle-aged black servant,
an old British chauffeur, three hard-working black ladies
in a small town restaurant and a sixteen-year-old girl?
(could is a soft word. IMO.suggest re-write with your permission something like:
Nothing can link the fortunes of a wealthy young man; a middle aged black servant; an old British chauffeur; three black ladies and a shy sixteen -year old girl. But it does with dire consequences.
“I’m Gallen Hollingsworth and my story set in the 1950 will grip and entice you to read more. I’m unfolding to you how I left my society background, forced out by my ruthless father, and fled for safety to find a friend in Sheldon, who happened to run a restaurant. I went with Jake,my trusted black friend.
“Jake soon took control and I met the three black ladies who worked in the restaurant. What then developed is a story on in own. But I must mention Melody a young black girl who I met at the restaurant. Two years later and she’s had such an effect on me I’m convinced my life must now sort out the conflict between my father and myself. It takes money to plan an operation and I worked hard to fund the project…”
The above are my notes on the synopsis. I humbly suggest the use of the first person because of the ease of story telling. I hope you agree. No disrespect intended.
Best
On the prelude you’ve got two important scenes to consider. In one the woman dragged from her house and then the second scene where the car arrives with the men and the woman.
I think you need to stick close to the story line and avoid any not needed detail. Consider what the old man might say. What prayers might he utter? That sort of thing. And who should he tell? Do the same for the second scene. Is nobody upset the woman has been beaten. Is she alive? Nobody wants a dead body on their hands do they?
You written an interesting start to a Southern drama . I think you know far more of the background in that place than I do. I’m picked up details of how it is down there and it makes the mood compelling. Please take a look at how the story unfolds and put in those final finishing touches.
I hope this helps in some way.
Best
- add/view comments (1)
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The story itself has potential. Your synopsis should be shorter and have very little dialogue, if any.
My proofreading notes:
What could a wealthy young man from a high profile family
possibly have in common with a middle-aged black servant,
an old British chauffeur, three hard-working black ladies
in a small-town restaurant, and a sixteen-year-old girl?
In the sentence above, the punctuation is now correct. I have deleted the comma between the subject (“wealthy young man”) and the verb (“have”), I have inserted the hyphen in the prenominal compound modifier “small-town,” and I have inserted the terminal comma before “and” in a list. Normally there is no need to add this comma, but in your case it must be there to prevent the following rather humorous reading: ” . . . three black ladies in a small-town restaurant, and three black ladies in a sixteen-year-old girl” Ouch. The way you’ve written it, the sixteen-year-old girl is the object of the preposition “in”.
Gallen Hollingsworth, the protagonist, wants to attend college
but doesn’t want to leave . . . (I’ve deleted the comma between the subject “G. H.” and the second verb “doesn’t want to leave”)
The first bit of dialogue you present needs to be more compelling that what you’ve chosen. In a synopsis an editor needs to see that you can write dialogue deftly.
Jake intervenes when Gallen is attacked by his father. (You change tenses here. Choose another word besides “intervenes”. When the action speeds up, use more emotional words; latinate words are very, very slow.)
In general, you have too much dialogue in your synopsis.
He soon realizes the only way to be free of his father is to overthrow him . . . (I’ve deleted the comma between the subject “way” and the verb “is”.
Approaching eighteen, having developed into a beautiful young lady,
he becomes obsessed (This is a classic dangling participle. You’ve said that he has developed into a beautiful young lady. Nice touch, but I don’t think this is what you mean.)
cold blooded = cold-blooded
lumber yard = lumberyard
An elderly gentleman in faded overalls eased his way out of the
truck, moving slowly toward the path (Without the comma, you mean that the truck is moving slowly toward the path.)
Cupping a hand over his brow hoping to get a better look, he
crouched with a gasp when they struck her. (There is no antecedent for “they” in this sentence. Use “the men”.
who they were, but his eyes were wide (I’ve inserted the comma before the conjunction)
physically fit physique (redundant. A physique is by nature physical.)
sweat beaded = sweat-beaded (prenominal compound modifier)
bath robe = bathrobe
a tired grunt of pain (“tired” doesn’t seem to be enough here)
“The best way to get your point across to a man is by direct and clear communication.” I’ve deleted the comma between the subject (“way”) and the verb (“is”).
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
You seem to have a pretty clear idea of where you want this story to go. Your intro was interesting – almost like reading the script for a movie trailer. The prologue wasn’t bad, but there wasn’t a whole lot of it, either. I would have liked to have had more to read.
You have some minor mechanical issues – commas and such. For instance take the comma out of “he saw a woman in a white housecoat, being forced from her house”, and put it between ‘treetops’ and ‘impairing’ in “sunlight spilled harshly around the treetops impairing his view”
The formatting was very distracting. I know that Urbis is finicky with cut-and-paste jobs, but there is a Preview button after you’ve uploaded your text.
You’ve got a good foundation to build on, here. Good luck with it!
andersda reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I have a general comment on the synopsis. I’m not sure that it actually capsulizes the story like it should. The extent that you have included dialog really doesn’t help. You might want to use a little here and there to suck the reader into the best parts, but I don’t think that it serves you in its present form.
When I hear that someone is in charge of a billion dollar enterprise I assume that they have a level of sophistication somewhat higher than the one you are ascribing to Gallen’s father. He sounds more like a Grand Cyclops in the Ku Klux Klan than he does a crime lord. It’s an inconsistancy that you might want to revisit. Making the father multi-demensional would add greater demension to the character and possibly privide other areas of conflict between father and son.
As a reader, I wasn’t quite sure why Gallen is attacked by his father.
“I’m offering you a goddamned multi-billion dollar enterprise!”
Jake intervenes when Gallen is attacked by his father.
Generally, a father has a pretty good read on where his sons are heading. Vito Corleone first picked Sonny to run the family business because Sonny was the oldest and had a natural talent for crime, Frodo was clearly not fit for the job, and Micheal was a college boy. There has to be a source of conflict that you build in your writing that somehow comes to a head with the arrival of the Harvard acceptance. Also, it isn’t clear why Gallen loves Jake Johnson
I like the second and third paras of the prelude. It rolls nicely of the tongue.
But, you might want to lose the last sentence in the following paragraph. Its an attempt at the same voice, but it doesn’t buy you anything.
In the fifth paragraph you state that he crouched with a gasp. You might rework that to say something like “He gasped when he saw them strike her.”
Also, and this is a very general comment, “Puuting a stick to the back of a darkie” does not seem to be consistant with what I would imagine from a vrime lord. It’s too sterotypical.
Nice hook at the end. I really wanted to know what happened to her.
jaugne reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I’m intrigued by the idea, but uncertain as to what you’re going for. I grew up in the “Deep South”, born in Mississippi, and raised on the West Bank of New Orleans, and I have to tell you that some of it just doesn’t ring true in my ears. Examples:
“Like most Southern novels, Lord of The South, envelopes all that is special about the region and its people.”--Huh? The humble black servant is a stereotype as much as the cloying black servant that calls the white man a “cracker” the minute he turns his back. My family had a black maid, Nancy, when I lived in Mississippi, and I loved her as much as I did my own mother. Let me tell you something--she was part of our family and as such, she firmly believed that we belonged her like her own kids. Humble? When Nancy had an opinion, by God she gave it. And the fact that we loved her didn’t stop anyone in my family from treating black folks different, or even from using the word “ni—-r” in everyday conversation like any other word. Back in those days, even the most respectable Southerners had two hearts. Explore that. And a true Southern family would never have a shifty foreigner as a chauffeur whern there were so many trustworthy black folks to choose from. Just doesn’t ring true.
As far as the technical stuff, punctuation, grammar, even mechanics like foreshadowing and omnition, you’ve got those things down. The writing is polished, though a bit overwrought at times (as he exposes himself to the
greedy practices and perilous consequences that are saddled with
his ambitions of becoming … Lord of The South), but it’s not too the point of cartoonishness.
Work on your characters. Make them behave as Southern people actually do. The basic idea is good. I look forward to reading any revisions.
JB
QdotSmith reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I liked this over view. It seems like you have put together a very intresting yet difficult piece of work. Gallant seems like a very thought out character. The story line between he and and his father is worth the read itself. I’d be more interested in seeing how the entire story plays out. I wish you the best of luck with your novel and hope that you feel it will be a success because i do.
theseus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The second paragraph of your synopsis went over the top with praise for your own work: “cleverly,” “rich imagery.” It’s better to have such conclusion come out of the mouths of others.
Your synopsis would be improved by not including the actual dialogue and instead sticking to a plot summary as they do in Cliff Notes summaries.
The following line sounds extremely melodramatic, almost like a soap opera:
“You’re damn right,” Gallen said calmly before shouting, “With a godamned PASSION!”
“I want you to tell the ignorant darky…” sounds contrived.
Your description works. I think you should sharpen your dialogue and plot.
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Aaah!
I wish I were a publisher, I would certainly put you on my payroll. This submission query with story intro was very well done. The story line is clear and written to arouse interest.
You chose a great place to start your story to show the true personality of your main characters. They are vibrant and strong in their individuality.
Are you done with this story? I will be first in line at the book store to purchase. I want a hardback copy so as to keep for good. I find what you’ve written here just that interesting.
Best Wishes!
Smile,
Princess
Bless1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The synopsis could be more dramatic and rivieting. For example”What could a wealthy young man from a high profile family,
possibly have in common with a middle-aged black servant,
an old British chauffeur, three hard-working black ladies
in a small town restaurant and a sixteen-year-old girl?”
It would show more passion if there was a description of Gallen, a description of Jake, and why they cross paths or why it would be unusual for them all to cross paths. I thought I was reading a summary of the story at first but the way the dialogue is spelled out confuses me. I think the whole concept is good and with more depth the story will unfold into a nice read. Also since the timing is a little dated it would not hurt to describe more of the atmosphere so the reader can visualize the 50’s from the passage not just the circumstances.
TheRaven1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The characters in this piece are sufficiently intriguing to create an engrossing read. The servant, chauffeur and three black women, a 16- year old girl set in a small town. I was immediately thrown off by the lack of authenticity of the language for the period; for example in this passage “Yeah, me too,” Jake said with a grimace. “I’m gonna miss you too, kid.” This hardly sounds as if this is the jargon of the 1950’s. I suggest that you do more research on the period. Good luck.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 5 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
