That is my favorite review of all.
Haiku/Senryu / Intended
Quickened from your rib
Eat of my forbidden fruit
We will be as gods
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Pretty good. Original Sin offers plenty of good metaphors.
Original Sin.
There are two trees in Eden.
Lovers chose “Knowledge”.
The other tree: “Life” -
Adam/Eve never tasted…
Else we would be gods.
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Always inspired by poetry treating the Pandora of Judeao-Christian(shouldn’t Islamic be included in this Jacobian hyphenation?) mythology, I especially enjoy your particular translation. Your command of pronouns is proofed by your ultima. It takes a lot of hutzpah to be so blatantly subtle. You pulled it off well. A 10 to you, and your nascent maiden of Eden.
Slyly erotic, a dash of religion…..very, very good.
However, the title could be better; I’m thinking you were choosing it in terms of talking about a fiance as one’s “intended”? Nawwwww. You can do better.
Second, you do take the risk in assuming people will recognize Genesis in this; if they don’t, you’re up the tree and the snake’s comin’ to get ya! Would it be too obvious for you to lowercase the title and call it “eve”? Just a thought. (You could lowercase the first letter of first lines too to not make it so obvious.
OTHERWISE, good stuff.
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