thank you for your review. Deeply appreciated and very constructive.
Romance / For You (Analysis)
Have you ever been swept away?
I mean grabbed by your ankles and thrown in the air so hard that
the tip of your nose touched the first cloud?
I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one, from the days he used to fly after Lois.
And as you fly against gravity with a “v” velocity and an “a” acceleration greater than any terrestrial thing that ever cut you off, with your feet facing the sky and your eyes down looking at the ant farm below, you realize that you left behind not only the entire world. No.
Down below there’s you too. It’s you before you got yanked and thrown all the way to the border between the Milky Way and the Veggie Way. The one that is left behind together with the rest, your earthly cheap ego, the hollow and devastated man that you were, your amiable laughter, all of these will be no more when you return.
Someone else will come down… a better, nicer, responsible, smarter, saner person…one that doesn’t beat people up and you will start over. Yes, all over. The way you want it. In an orderly fashion, clinical, right as rain, elegant, with a different gaze, with different gestures, less tics, no regrets, no depressions, no tears, all in, a kamikaze of soul and spirit.
It’s one of those incredible things that you wished for since your first grasp for air but didn’t know about it till now. You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious. From things you wanted to say but you never got to.
The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies.
The best thing is to see yourself from above. To see yourself so little and meaningless and to realize that this is how things are and will be from now on unless you find someone to cast a spell on you.
I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story.
The revelation and the epiphany of this scene are included in the most beautiful and delicate package in the world. A little box of an amberish color tied carefully with a ribbon the color of the rain at sunset and glazed with white gold. My gift was she. She had a candor, which you can find only in fairy-tale-movies or in children’s books. The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.
It’s something so over-used and trivial that I wouldn’t dare to associate with all the above. She had a tenderness seen only in flowers, with cheeks of a color that you find only in nature during spring, with a tinker bell laughter, she gave you a shiver from the moment she touched you, she had a spark which will later become my aura, a kiss which made you faint. Her lips were the absolute cure-all, the philosophers’ stone that so many old, autistic and disillusioned men searched for and which I found.
My salvation came in the form of the most valuable and dreamy present. Who doesn’t like to receive presents? I’ve always wondered that. There has to be someone in this world that claims that receiving a gift doesn’t inflict a reasonable amount of pleasure. So what? These are people that never got any. I mean they got stuff but not presents. In life one single present is enough. In fact, one single present is enough for two lives. One thing I ask: that after I’m dead to be able to still remember.
I believe that whoever takes your body from you cannot be this cruel as to take your memories too. And if this is the case, then I guarantee that you can sleep in peace, like babies.
Yes, it’s true. I’m in love. I live, breathe, drink and eat the thrill that made me be me again forever. And no one can take this away from me as hard as they try. She’s mine and I don’t share, I don’t give her away, I’m actually pretty scared to talk about her for fear that she will be stolen. They’re lots of scoundrels out there who, instead of looking for their own prefer to take from other people. It’s just that, what they don’t know is once taken away love will not function the same for them too. Because it only works once and that’s it. It’s enough. You steal it and if self-destructs. What you thought you made your own has no value now taken from its environment.
It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. It will die no matter how hard you try. It’s the only thing you need even if you don’t know what it is.
Mean people, bumptious and envious people are the ones that never tasted the love truffle. They are alive they kiss, they laugh, they hug but they were never struck by lightning. There was nothing going through their bodies, they haven’t been changed.
If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.
It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.
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hardcorewriter reviewed Version 3 -
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Aww… this is beyond nice! If this is a true story, I must tell you that she is a lucky woman. You had a few grammatical errors throughtout, but the descrption of the story was superb! I would love to read more of your pieces. Do watch getting the reader confused when you change tones a little. In the very beginning, it had a different tone then once you changed at about paragraph eleven or twelve. I quickly picked back up, however. Thanks for a great read!
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SarahBloom reviewed Version 3 -
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I really like what you’re trying to do here, but I think it needs a little tweaking. First of all, the beginning is about being swept away. And you take that a little farther than it needs to go. It’s very nice imagery but it could be a narrative in and of itself.
Secondly, you attempt to transition with: “I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story.” I think that’s unnesessary. Don’t talk about trying to make yourself understood, just try your best to be understood. :-)
Third, the rest of the piece is describing your love, and this is where you really start to shine. I would still take out a few unncessary bits; tightening this up and just leaving behind the pure, essential meaning of what you are trying to say. Too much wordiness distracts the reader from being able to get to the heart of your message.
And lastly, solid ending! “If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.” Very very true! :-)
marshmellotoast reviewed Version 3 -
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It was very heartwarming. My favorite line was “The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies.”
I feel as if you wrote from the heart. (and i just got in a fight with my boyfriend, i’m going to call him now)
the only thing though, is i’m not really sure there is a market for this kind of stuff. you have a fantastic way of words and I hope you continue to work on your writing skills =]
Lyl_Anjle reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the voice of this piece. It’s poetic in its rythm and imagry, but it has the starkness of a soul being bared. This line in particular
The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.
really got me, square in the chest, and rather sums up how I feel about the story :)
On the picky final-line side of things, I’ll say watch your tenses. This moves from past to present and back again quite a lot. Also this line
You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious.
jarred for me. I’ve read it and re-read it and still am not sure I understand it. Possibly just me being dense :)
Overall, an outstandingly poignant vingnette.
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 3 -
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I am going to address editing first, then my opinion last (as I can do this as I read the work in order):
1. ”...air but didn’t know about it till now.” s/b “til” or “until”
2. What is your target audience here? (This is my thought after reading the first few pages).
3. It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. s/b: It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment; buy it chips and sardines with seasalt (one word), and you will still not succeed.
4. You’re having a REAL problem with incomplete sentences. Look at what I did with number 3, and then review the work to correct the remaining. If it’s not a stand alone thought that supports itself, it is in all likelihood part of the sentence previously. Look at using semicolons or commas. Both typically work in this scenario.
In all, I enjoyed this. They are beautiful thoughts. I just wonder if it’s actually more like journal-style writing? Because it leaves me wondering how you could use this in any other fashion? But you have such beautiful descriptions, challenge ideas to a new level through creative writing, and make crisp points. For me, it is strictly a mechanical thing where your writing is concerned.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Robin
Anliya reviewed Version 3 -
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This is lovely and heartwarming and made me smile, which makes me think you should have added the amuse/entertain/warm a few hearts criteria. I like how you take an old idea (talking about being in love) and give it a very personal new twist. Your point about love making a person want to change was shown in such a unique insightful way—the mixture of fantasy and science, frenzy and sanity. However, the line that confused me there was “your amiable laughter,” which didn’t seem to fit in with the “earthly cheap ego” and “hollow and devastated man” that was left behind.
Also, I liked your description of “her,” but I felt the paragraph that began with “Yes, it’s true” was a little… crude? Especially compared to the imagery presented earlier. The words “pretty scared” and “scoundrel” and “environment” really jumped out at me. I think you should somehow soften that a little.
Overall, the exhilarated tone of this piece really came through. I felt and heard it. Beautiful work!
wisedec4u reviewed Version 3 -
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The was--dare I say it--a “beautiful” piece of writing. I love the metaphors that seemed ride up and down like rollercoaster of emotions. The imagery was wonderful and your words eloquently stringed together. You are definitely a romantic soul with poets heart. Great read! Keep up the good work.
ReMote998 reviewed Version 3 -
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Yes, yes I have been grabbed my love. I was rejected out-right, shunned, and then she found me. Our eyes met and that was it, I signed over my soul in those first two seconds. I can relate to this, good piece.
-Jake
greenbabe13 reviewed Version 3 -
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This is as close to the feeling of love as you can get. i would definately look at getting something like this published. it’s really good
badhabits reviewed Version 3 -
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I never wanted this to end. In fact, now i think i will go read it backwards.
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