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Romance / For You (Analysis)
Have you ever been swept away?
I mean grabbed by your ankles and thrown in the air so hard that
the tip of your nose touched the first cloud?
I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one, from the days he used to fly after Lois.
And as you fly against gravity with a “v” velocity and an “a” acceleration greater than any terrestrial thing that ever cut you off, with your feet facing the sky and your eyes down looking at the ant farm below, you realize that you left behind not only the entire world. No.
Down below there’s you too. It’s you before you got yanked and thrown all the way to the border between the Milky Way and the Veggie Way. The one that is left behind together with the rest, your earthly cheap ego, the hollow and devastated man that you were, your amiable laughter, all of these will be no more when you return.
Someone else will come down… a better, nicer, responsible, smarter, saner person…one that doesn’t beat people up and you will start over. Yes, all over. The way you want it. In an orderly fashion, clinical, right as rain, elegant, with a different gaze, with different gestures, less tics, no regrets, no depressions, no tears, all in, a kamikaze of soul and spirit.
It’s one of those incredible things that you wished for since your first grasp for air but didn’t know about it till now. You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious. From things you wanted to say but you never got to.
The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies.
The best thing is to see yourself from above. To see yourself so little and meaningless and to realize that this is how things are and will be from now on unless you find someone to cast a spell on you.
I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story.
The revelation and the epiphany of this scene are included in the most beautiful and delicate package in the world. A little box of an amberish color tied carefully with a ribbon the color of the rain at sunset and glazed with white gold. My gift was she. She had a candor, which you can find only in fairy-tale-movies or in children’s books. The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.
It’s something so over-used and trivial that I wouldn’t dare to associate with all the above. She had a tenderness seen only in flowers, with cheeks of a color that you find only in nature during spring, with a tinker bell laughter, she gave you a shiver from the moment she touched you, she had a spark which will later become my aura, a kiss which made you faint. Her lips were the absolute cure-all, the philosophers’ stone that so many old, autistic and disillusioned men searched for and which I found.
My salvation came in the form of the most valuable and dreamy present. Who doesn’t like to receive presents? I’ve always wondered that. There has to be someone in this world that claims that receiving a gift doesn’t inflict a reasonable amount of pleasure. So what? These are people that never got any. I mean they got stuff but not presents. In life one single present is enough. In fact, one single present is enough for two lives. One thing I ask: that after I’m dead to be able to still remember.
I believe that whoever takes your body from you cannot be this cruel as to take your memories too. And if this is the case, then I guarantee that you can sleep in peace, like babies.
Yes, it’s true. I’m in love. I live, breathe, drink and eat the thrill that made me be me again forever. And no one can take this away from me as hard as they try. She’s mine and I don’t share, I don’t give her away, I’m actually pretty scared to talk about her for fear that she will be stolen. They’re lots of scoundrels out there who, instead of looking for their own prefer to take from other people. It’s just that, what they don’t know is once taken away love will not function the same for them too. Because it only works once and that’s it. It’s enough. You steal it and if self-destructs. What you thought you made your own has no value now taken from its environment.
It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. It will die no matter how hard you try. It’s the only thing you need even if you don’t know what it is.
Mean people, bumptious and envious people are the ones that never tasted the love truffle. They are alive they kiss, they laugh, they hug but they were never struck by lightning. There was nothing going through their bodies, they haven’t been changed.
If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.
It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.
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Lyl_Anjle reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the voice of this piece. It’s poetic in its rythm and imagry, but it has the starkness of a soul being bared. This line in particular
The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.
really got me, square in the chest, and rather sums up how I feel about the story :)
On the picky final-line side of things, I’ll say watch your tenses. This moves from past to present and back again quite a lot. Also this line
You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious.
jarred for me. I’ve read it and re-read it and still am not sure I understand it. Possibly just me being dense :)
Overall, an outstandingly poignant vingnette.
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Daney reviewed Version 3 -
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This is really good. It is descriptive enough for people to actually be able to picture these scenes in their minds and it runs together smoothly.
jweeble reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the line “tasted the love truffle”. Although you throw together a bunch of cliches with a lack of punctuation, I like the overall flow of this. It contains joy and insight, albeit wrapped in a blanket of fluff.
If this the introduction to a longer piece, it could work with some editing. As a stand alone, though, I think it needs some work.
kimz_twstd reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the ending, really the whole thing was pretty good. You added a little comedy into this piece, which I liked. And also you gave examples. I felt like this could be directed at all kinds of people and they would all understand what your saying. You gave me something to think about and then attacked it from different angles that kept me reading. In the beginning you told of how great love was, but didnt include your love. You told of the extent of your love for her, and it was great to read. But consider adding bits of that love, specifically about her earlier in the piece.
One critique is that in parts of this writing it became weak, I think thats because you kind of get distracted writing about other people, their characteristics and all of that. Of course its only my opinion.
Overall I really enjoyed it.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 3 -
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The was--dare I say it--a “beautiful” piece of writing. I love the metaphors that seemed ride up and down like rollercoaster of emotions. The imagery was wonderful and your words eloquently stringed together. You are definitely a romantic soul with poets heart. Great read! Keep up the good work.
badhabits reviewed Version 3 -
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I never wanted this to end. In fact, now i think i will go read it backwards.
Dayle reviewed Version 3 -
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‘Have you ever been swept away?
I mean grabbed by your ankles and thrown in the air so hard that
the tip of your nose touched the first cloud?’
This is an amazing opening. It automatically drew me in and made me want to read on to find out about who, or what, had such an effect on a person.
I’d like to read more of this piece and perhaps hear more about ‘her’ and how you’ve come to love her.
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 3 -
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I am going to address editing first, then my opinion last (as I can do this as I read the work in order):
1. ”...air but didn’t know about it till now.” s/b “til” or “until”
2. What is your target audience here? (This is my thought after reading the first few pages).
3. It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. s/b: It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment; buy it chips and sardines with seasalt (one word), and you will still not succeed.
4. You’re having a REAL problem with incomplete sentences. Look at what I did with number 3, and then review the work to correct the remaining. If it’s not a stand alone thought that supports itself, it is in all likelihood part of the sentence previously. Look at using semicolons or commas. Both typically work in this scenario.
In all, I enjoyed this. They are beautiful thoughts. I just wonder if it’s actually more like journal-style writing? Because it leaves me wondering how you could use this in any other fashion? But you have such beautiful descriptions, challenge ideas to a new level through creative writing, and make crisp points. For me, it is strictly a mechanical thing where your writing is concerned.
I look forward to reading more of your work. Robin
Harold_P reviewed Version 3 -
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Some work seizes you immediately as being original and exciting. This falls head over heels into that category. I think the short sentences, mounting like increasing heartbeats, was a very effective way to deal with “her.”
The piece somehow seemed personal, but it still managed to universalise the topic in a poetic way. There was a fine balance of personal detail with poetic rumination which makes it very accessible. The “love truffle” is also quite a powerful image for me. Don’t know why… perhaps I’m just a fan of chocolate. Or being in love. Or both.
I could empathise entirely with the sentiments in this, and I’m sure many others will too.
Harold_P
aliciatr reviewed Version 3 -
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Great figurative language and emotion. I like how you talk about those that are only “happy” to steal from others instead of finding love of their own. The phrase “You steal it and if self-destructs” is a great line.
At the beginning, though, I suggest to begin with the image in lines 2 & 3 and then bring in the question of being swept away. My own opinion, of course…I just like starting with the image/action instead of a question.
Great job. I’d like to read more.
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