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Romance / For You
Have you ever been swept away? I mean grabbed by your ankles and thrown in the air so hard that the tip of your nose touched the first cloud? I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one from the days he used to fly after Lois. And as you fly against gravity with a “v” velocity and an “a” acceleration greater than any terrestrial thing that ever cut you off, with your feet facing the sky and your eyes down looking at the ant farm below, you realize that you left behind not only the entire world. No. Down below there’s you too. It’s you before you got yanked and thrown all the way to the border between the Milky Way and the Veggie Way. The one that is left behind together with the rest, your earthly cheap ego, the hollow and devastated man that you were, your amiable laughter, all of these will be no more when you return. Someone else will come down… a better, nicer, responsible, smarter, saner person…one that doesn’t beat people up and you will start over. Yes, all over. The way you want it. In an orderly fashion, clinical, right as rain, elegant, with a different gaze, with different gestures, less tics, no regrets, no depressions, no tears, all in, a kamikaze of soul and spirit.
It’s one of those incredible things that you wished for since your first grasp for air but didn’t know about it till now. You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious. From things you wanted to say but you never got to. The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies. The best thing is to see yourself from above. To see yourself so little and meaningless and to realize that this is how things are and will be from now on unless you find someone to cast a spell on you. I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story. The revelation and the epiphany of this scene are included in the most beautiful and delicate package in the world. A little box of an amberish color tied carefully with a ribbon the color of the rain at sunset and glazed with white gold. My gift was she. She had a candor, which you can find only in fairy-tales-movies or in children’s books. The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all. It’s something so over-used and trivial that I wouldn’t dare to associate with all the above. She had a tenderness seen only in flowers, with cheeks of a color that you find only in nature during spring, with a tinker bell laughter, she gave you a shiver from the moment she touched you, she had a spark which will later become my aura, a kiss which made you faint. Her lips were the absolute cure-all, the philosophers’ stone that so many old, autistic and disillusioned men searched for and which I found. My salvation came in the form of the most valuable and dreamy present. Who doesn’t like to receive presents? I’ve always wondered that. There has to be someone in this world that claims that receiving a gift doesn’t inflict a reasonable amount of pleasure. So what? These are people that never got any. I mean they got stuff but not presents. In life one single present is enough. In fact, one single present is enough for two lives. One thing I ask: then after I’m dead to be able to still remember. I believe that whoever takes your body from you cannot be this cruel as to take your memories too. And if this is the case, then I guarantee that you can sleep in peace, like babies. Yes, it’s true. I’m in love. I live, breathe, drink and eat the thrill that made me be me again forever. And no one can take this away from me as hard as they try. She’s mine and I don’t share, I don’t give her away, I’m actually pretty scared to talk about her for fear that she will be stolen. They’re lots of scoundrels out there who, instead of looking for their own prefer to take from other people. It’s just that, what they don’t know is once taken away love will not function the same for them too. Because it only works once and that’s it. It’s enough. You steal it and if self-destructs. What you thought you made your own has no value now taken from its environment. It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. It will die no matter how hard you try. It’s the only thing you need even if you don’t know what it is. Mean people, bumptious and envious people are the ones that never tasted the love truffle. They are alive they kiss, they laugh, they hug but they were never struck by lightning. There was nothing going through their bodies, they haven’t been changed. If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.
It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.
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bailey_jo2006 reviewed Version 1 -
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let me start be saying that this as really good the only thing i have to say is that i think this sounds more of a poem then a story but other than that i really liked it maybe you could work with it a bit to make it sound more like a story well good luck :)
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Lozfaceee reviewed Version 1 -
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“but didn’t knew about it till now” knew should be know, check simple things like this, there are at least three i think”.
“You steal it and if self-destructs” Is another example of this.
Perhaps try using paragraphs, it could make more sense that way, because i kept losing where i was.
smash54 reviewed Version 2 -
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Any piece that talks so absolutely about life’s greatest emotion has truly felt it and understood it. I applaud your efforts to convey that feeling. And that’s a daunting task. But you have spent nearly a 1000 words doing just that. I can only hope that this gets out there in some form because I would love more people to read it. If I had to make any criticisms it would be regarding structure. It’s one long paragraph that would greatly benefit from being broken up into smaller ones. This is stuff that needs to be digested by the reader, and having these thoughts in smaller, bite-size bits helps that. This is great!
radar reviewed Version 2 -
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You left me breathless. Ah, to be loved such as that. You captured the all-encompassing beauty of love. Bless you—I hope this was written from first-hand knowledge for if you feel that way, you must be drifting in the clouds. The one thing I would check is the paragraphs. They were quite long and it was easy for me to get diverted and lost. Other than that, it was a winner.
bunny_dreamer reviewed Version 3 -
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well honestly I felt as though you spent alot of time describing a floating feeling. umm I didnt really get much into it at all it seemed a little mechanical to me. Try telling more about who tossed you in the air and y and how they make you feel. And try and show the romantic side just a tad more. other than that it was really nice.
JAshley reviewed Version 3 -
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Excellent piece. Your combination of metaphors and imagery was perfect. Your writing flowed smoothely despite your frequent transitions. Your great voice of vocabulary words also enhanced the reading and gave the issue it’s needed emphasis. I have been in your shoes and you did a great job at describing a feeling that we all love to have, cherish it when we have it and long for it if we don’t.
Continueing Writing.
You have a voice that needs to be heard.
Amrita reviewed Version 3 -
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“It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.”
Well, it’s really a story about you rather than her. Because it’s her effect on you that is the starring role. it’s a beautiful expression of your infatuation with “her”.
” In an orderly fashion, clinical, right as rain, elegant, with a different gaze, with different gestures, less tics, no regrets, no depressions, no tears, all in, a kamikaze of soul and spirit.” Now, as a man in love, do you really want to be “clinical” or a “kamikaze of soul and spirit”? A kamikaze suggests to me that you are killing your soul and spirit and I don’t think that’s what you want to convey. it sounds like you are trying to express a transformation of your self, to someone that is in control and more whole – there may be better ways to express that.
“your first grasp for air ’ I think you mean first “gasp”.
“because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious” Perhaps this would work with quotation marks around “perverted from remorse”.
“The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies.” I think you need to explain this sentence. What is a “programmed life”? Why is this the best thing?
“unless you find someone to cast a spell on you.’ i’m not clear about his either. Why do you need someone to cast a spell on you?
“There’s anything but a story.” You haven’t really told us a story – we need one.
” A little box of an amberish color tied carefully with a ribbon the color of the rain at sunset and glazed with white gold” This is a lovely image – nice work.
” She had a candor, which you can find only in fairy-tale-movies or in children’s books. The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.” Candor means “frankness of expression”. if that’s what you mean you need to explain it or give an example, or a metaphor, or simile, so we understand “candor”.
“She had a tenderness seen only in flowers,” Is this about her personality or her appearance? ”seen” suggests appearance, but I imagine you are talking about her personality.
“the philosophers’ stone that so many old, autistic and disillusioned men searched for and which I found.” Do you really mean “autistic”?
“My salvation came in the form of the most valuable and dreamy present. Who doesn’t like to receive presents? I’ve always wondered that. There has to be someone in this world that claims that receiving a gift doesn’t inflict a reasonable amount of pleasure. So what? These are people that never got any. I mean they got stuff but not presents. In life one single present is enough. In fact, one single present is enough for two lives. One thing I ask: that after I’m dead to be able to still remember.” This paragraph needs rewriting – your point is obscure.
“They’re lots of scoundrels” This should be either “There are” or “There’re”
“It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. It will die no matter how hard you try. It’s the only thing you need even if you don’t know what it is.” This is an obscure analogy – I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.
“Mean people, bumptious and envious people are the ones that never tasted the love truffle. They are alive they kiss, they laugh, they hug but they were never struck by lightning. There was nothing going through their bodies, they haven’t been changed.” Again, your point is obscure.
I know I’ve been fairly harsh here, but it’s worthwhile to be succinct when you are expressing love. Good effort and keep writing.
swebat822001 reviewed Version 3 -
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Im sorry but i found it a bit boring and i never made it to the end. I hope you can forgive me. Im being a bit lazy because i just want credits but cant be bothered reading. Hope you dont mind
Mimozi reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a beautiful piece of writing. Rich poetic metaphor, all the emotion with none of the sloppiness. A very eloquent way of describing the powerful effect that love has on us in making our hearts purer, kinder, bigger, forgiving (both our own and other people’s trespasses), valiant…appreciative. It’s a wonderful way to be and to feel. But I guess the cynic in me wonders how long does it really last and can we really escape our nature? Still…throughly enjoyed.
Ace reviewed Version 3 -
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Here are your errors:
“You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious”
Kind of distorted around the words demented and perverted
“You steal it and if self-destructs”
^I think the word if = it
With that said…wonderful work here man.
awe inspiring to say the least. very beautiful stuff, I’m more than happy that I read this. you have great talent and I urge you to write more. keep it up!
Ace
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