Thank you. Yes it is real and she is now my wife :). Thanks again for the feedback. highly appreciated
Romance / For You
Have you ever been swept away? I mean grabbed by your ankles and thrown in the air so hard that the tip of your nose touched the first cloud? I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one from the days he used to fly after Lois. And as you fly against gravity with a “v” velocity and an “a” acceleration greater than any terrestrial thing that ever cut you off, with your feet facing the sky and your eyes down looking at the ant farm below, you realize that you left behind not only the entire world. No. Down below there’s you too. It’s you before you got yanked and thrown all the way to the border between the Milky Way and the Veggie Way. The one that is left behind together with the rest, your earthly cheap ego, the hollow and devastated man that you were, your amiable laughter, all of these will be no more when you return. Someone else will come down… a better, nicer, responsible, smarter, saner person…one that doesn’t beat people up and you will start over. Yes, all over. The way you want it. In an orderly fashion, clinical, right as rain, elegant, with a different gaze, with different gestures, less tics, no regrets, no depressions, no tears, all in, a kamikaze of soul and spirit.
It’s one of those incredible things that you wished for since your first grasp for air but didn’t know about it till now. You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious. From things you wanted to say but you never got to. The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies. The best thing is to see yourself from above. To see yourself so little and meaningless and to realize that this is how things are and will be from now on unless you find someone to cast a spell on you. I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story. The revelation and the epiphany of this scene are included in the most beautiful and delicate package in the world. A little box of an amberish color tied carefully with a ribbon the color of the rain at sunset and glazed with white gold. My gift was she. She had a candor, which you can find only in fairy-tales-movies or in children’s books. The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all. It’s something so over-used and trivial that I wouldn’t dare to associate with all the above. She had a tenderness seen only in flowers, with cheeks of a color that you find only in nature during spring, with a tinker bell laughter, she gave you a shiver from the moment she touched you, she had a spark which will later become my aura, a kiss which made you faint. Her lips were the absolute cure-all, the philosophers’ stone that so many old, autistic and disillusioned men searched for and which I found. My salvation came in the form of the most valuable and dreamy present. Who doesn’t like to receive presents? I’ve always wondered that. There has to be someone in this world that claims that receiving a gift doesn’t inflict a reasonable amount of pleasure. So what? These are people that never got any. I mean they got stuff but not presents. In life one single present is enough. In fact, one single present is enough for two lives. One thing I ask: then after I’m dead to be able to still remember. I believe that whoever takes your body from you cannot be this cruel as to take your memories too. And if this is the case, then I guarantee that you can sleep in peace, like babies. Yes, it’s true. I’m in love. I live, breathe, drink and eat the thrill that made me be me again forever. And no one can take this away from me as hard as they try. She’s mine and I don’t share, I don’t give her away, I’m actually pretty scared to talk about her for fear that she will be stolen. They’re lots of scoundrels out there who, instead of looking for their own prefer to take from other people. It’s just that, what they don’t know is once taken away love will not function the same for them too. Because it only works once and that’s it. It’s enough. You steal it and if self-destructs. What you thought you made your own has no value now taken from its environment. It’s like making a dolphin live in an apartment. Buy it chips and sardines with sea salt and you will still not succeed. It will die no matter how hard you try. It’s the only thing you need even if you don’t know what it is. Mean people, bumptious and envious people are the ones that never tasted the love truffle. They are alive they kiss, they laugh, they hug but they were never struck by lightning. There was nothing going through their bodies, they haven’t been changed. If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.
It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
backgroundmusic reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 53 word review has not been unlocked.
bbandsissy reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 45 word review has not been unlocked.
LexiLane reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
-I liked the first sentences of this piece. It instantly grabbed me and made me want to read more…The part about touching the clouds was a great visual, by the way.
-‘I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight but more of an angel flight combined with a Superman one, from the days he used to fly after Lois.’
This sentence, however, read a bit awkward to me. I think I would suggest:
‘I’m not talking about a Peter Pan kind of flight, rather an angel flight mixed with a Superman soar, from the days he used to fly after Lois’.
Just a thought.
-’...with a “v” velocity and an “a” acceleration…’
Huh? What does this mean?
-’...the Milky Way and the Veggie Way…’
Now maybe this is my own stupidity, I feel silly for even asking but I must . . .there is no ‘Veggie Way’, I assume, in reality? I know, stupid! :) But if not, what does this mean? I simply did not understand the relation. I would have thought ‘all the way to the boarder of the Milky Way’ would be sufficient. However if there is more to this, I would love to know!
-I loved the way you described how love will change a person for the better in paragraph 6. It is very true and I appreciated the way you worded it.
-’...to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies….’
I really liked this piece. It was a great way to describe the arrogant people in the world, those looking down their noses on the rest of society. Perfect.
-‘It’s a story about her, starring me and guest starring LOVE.’
Now for how in love you obviously are and how big a role this love plays, how can love be the co-star?! I was a tad disappointed here. I’m racking my brain to come up with a way to reword it, and I’m sure I’ll come up with one as soon as I save this….but I think love must be have a starring role as well. The guest starring love part did not sit well with me.. Hmm…
-So I have to say I would love to read more of this – to hear about you and the woman whose heart threw you to the stars…I only wish there was a story out there like this about me!! Well done, hope to see more of this!
- add/view comments (0)
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
The reviewers notes state this is a story about HER but I really only learned about HIM. We really don’t learn about her until midway through page two and then I really couldn’t say what specifically I learned. This story is rich in enthusiasm of the Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah kind but runs a little lean on the metaphor and details needed to really engage the reader visually into the momentum and euphoria of falling in love.
lines 5/6 – it reads like an incomplete sentence or thought beginning with the “And…not only the entire world.” (BUT?) Also, is the No. at the end of the sixth line a question?
My gift was she – I think this should be her as she is possessive.
hardcorewriter reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Aww… this is beyond nice! If this is a true story, I must tell you that she is a lucky woman. You had a few grammatical errors throughtout, but the descrption of the story was superb! I would love to read more of your pieces. Do watch getting the reader confused when you change tones a little. In the very beginning, it had a different tone then once you changed at about paragraph eleven or twelve. I quickly picked back up, however. Thanks for a great read!
Louminator reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 243 word review has not been unlocked.
SarahBloom reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really like what you’re trying to do here, but I think it needs a little tweaking. First of all, the beginning is about being swept away. And you take that a little farther than it needs to go. It’s very nice imagery but it could be a narrative in and of itself.
Secondly, you attempt to transition with: “I don’t know if I can make myself understood but I assure you after these enumerations, comparisons and metaphors there will be a solution, a revealing. Because a story without a revealing is not much of a story. Just as without a problem and a solution there is no story. There’s anything but a story.” I think that’s unnesessary. Don’t talk about trying to make yourself understood, just try your best to be understood. :-)
Third, the rest of the piece is describing your love, and this is where you really start to shine. I would still take out a few unncessary bits; tightening this up and just leaving behind the pure, essential meaning of what you are trying to say. Too much wordiness distracts the reader from being able to get to the heart of your message.
And lastly, solid ending! “If all the people would be in love we would have no troubles. Not in traffic, not at the store, not at work.” Very very true! :-)
marshmellotoast reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
It was very heartwarming. My favorite line was “The best thing in this programmed life is to be jerked up in the air, to see how you were supposed to live, to be slapped merciless, to be kicked in the balls, to be punched directly in your nose oriented towards the skies.”
I feel as if you wrote from the heart. (and i just got in a fight with my boyfriend, i’m going to call him now)
the only thing though, is i’m not really sure there is a market for this kind of stuff. you have a fantastic way of words and I hope you continue to work on your writing skills =]
kimz_twstd reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the ending, really the whole thing was pretty good. You added a little comedy into this piece, which I liked. And also you gave examples. I felt like this could be directed at all kinds of people and they would all understand what your saying. You gave me something to think about and then attacked it from different angles that kept me reading. In the beginning you told of how great love was, but didnt include your love. You told of the extent of your love for her, and it was great to read. But consider adding bits of that love, specifically about her earlier in the piece.
One critique is that in parts of this writing it became weak, I think thats because you kind of get distracted writing about other people, their characteristics and all of that. Of course its only my opinion.
Overall I really enjoyed it.
Lyl_Anjle reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the voice of this piece. It’s poetic in its rythm and imagry, but it has the starkness of a soul being bared. This line in particular
The word “beautiful” doesn’t help me at all.
really got me, square in the chest, and rather sums up how I feel about the story :)
On the picky final-line side of things, I’ll say watch your tenses. This moves from past to present and back again quite a lot. Also this line
You didn’t know you wanted it because you knew of its existence only deep down in your demented and perverted from remorse subconscious.
jarred for me. I’ve read it and re-read it and still am not sure I understand it. Possibly just me being dense :)
Overall, an outstandingly poignant vingnette.
Showing 1 - 10 of 36
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
2 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
