No not a fool’s moment at all! LOL My intent was to change the point of view in those last two lines so the subject is now the storyteller – he dreams of her, too. If he doesn’t remember, was it all just a dream? And the ### was just a end signifier, much like one separates scenes in a novel. Bad habit – I ususally write longer things – this was just an experiment. I did submit it to a few mags for publication. I appreciate the read. Thanks.
Flash Fiction / NIGHT TRAVELER
It wasn’t my first affair. Not even my first affair with a married man, although this was totally unplanned. Aren’t they all? When our eyes met for the very first time, we knew our destiny was preordained, if only briefly. Permanence was never discussed, never an issue; it was merely a wish and no more than my wish at that. A surprise, this bond, like none other I have experienced. Its impact has been so powerful, so poignant, that I am still, almost two years later, gasping for air. Desolate for lack of his company, I wouldn’t trade the occurrence for a happier ending. It’s only the dream I find so troubling. Caught between longing for sleep and resisting slumber simultaneously, I wrestle nightly.
The dream seems born from one particular afternoon just after lovemaking. Our bodies were still damp from the sweat when he pulled me to him. He was on his back, propped slightly by a pillow, his right leg gently prying mine apart, finding its way in between them, not minding my wetness against his thigh.
Rolling into him, we became seamlessly intertwined. His hand found a spot under my soggy and tousled hair as he pulled my head towards the indentation in his chest and it settled there, seemingly home. My hand reached under his arm as my fingers curled forward across his shoulder. I can still feel his hands gentle and soothing across my back, evoking the sigh of a sated woman.
I think he was totally unaware of the words he uttered just then.
“Oh yes,” he said, “that’s it, you just feel so right, this just feels so right,” sounding comfortable with the sense of me and pleased to have satisfied me so utterly.
I didn’t want to ever leave this place—a place of peace and beauty that carried an otherworldliness only total submission can bring. His face bore an unreserved contentment that I knew had been so long elusive. It was half a smile, not gentle. Rather, it was assured, feeling in charge of this little thing curled into him like a kitten.
He opened his eyes slowly and stared into mine. And I could see he experienced a moment of clarity for him—being able to let go and exhibit this tenderness with the sure knowledge that I got it—and I got him—somebody finally cherished all that he was at that moment.
Afternoon sunlight slanted across the tangled gold sheets, reminding me that this encounter, mid-day on a Wednesday, was merely an affair. Would his feeling for me vanish walking through his own front door with a customary “honey I’m home kiss” for his wife? Could it be painless to break the connection—like the sudden loss of power when a plug is yanked from an outlet? Yet for me, the current still flows, uninterrupted by disconnect.
These past months, I’ve been visited by a dream almost nightly. At least, I think it’s a dream. I feel myself detach from my body, shoot through a web of stars marbling the sky, and into his arms. He falls asleep on a couch sometimes, for I find myself there, in his arms.
I’ve never seen any other room in his house, just this office space with a wide mahogany desk, computer monitor alive with a screensaver face of his son and bookshelves sagging with bound collections. And him, asleep on a brown leather couch. I float down to him and settle there, encircled in his arms, breathless at the sight of him, the feel of him. I can never resist reaching up to touch his face and kiss his eyelids. When he starts to awaken, I have to force myself to leave. When I wake from this dream, always with a jolt, I’m in my own bed—as if my spirit had forced its way back into my body. It seems so real.
This dream is vivid. He is unavailable. I cling to each memory, afraid to forget. Lost, he’ll slip into oblivion, banished to a corner of my mind, forced to ferment in captivity. Forgetting those soft brown eyes, his deep resonant voice, or the smell of him would be unbearable. He exists as long as I remember.
I’ll travel again tonight, in my dreams, touching each falling star beneath me, as I slip into his arms once again. I’ll try to lay contented, fill my head with his scent, and resist the urge to swallow him. But when he begins to stir, I’ll know he can feel the weight of my head on his chest, and the flicker of my eyelash as it grazes his skin.
He remembers.
And as long as he remembers, I exist.
- # #
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LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
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This almost has a supernatural quality about it. You could take this much further if you were to go this route, or step into future years,reappearing into his life. It’s good as it is as a short story but it has possibilities. If you plan to go farther you will need to add more substance to the center to show your audience where you are going. How did you meet? How long were you together? Are you familiar with his family? Why did you seperate? If you go supernatural, are you traveling through dreams, death, or telepathy? Also, a grab at the beginning. Don’t just jump into the love scene. Build a story into the affair. Give a catcher like, she stands behind a tree, at the park, watching him play with his kids. You have been following him for days; always making sure that he can feel you but not see you. Good luck. I look forward to reading more.
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retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the prose, i thought that the detail was insightful without being overbearing. i really didnt get the twist a the end, the only thing going through my head abouty the end (seeing as you mentioned it, otherwise i wouldnt have noticed at all) was that maybe she is dead? she is only now a memory in her lovers head?
also, does the 1.## mean anything or is that a typo? lol
i would love to read more about this if you decided to alter the ending, unless of course, its realy easy to see and im having a fools moment.
good work
BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a really interesting piece of writing. Throughout the tone affected is conversational, intimate and this is tinted by dramatic and romantic elements. In a short space you unroll events (the afternoon affair) that is felt sponsors the dream (very good and concise/at same time evoking mood – languid).
`It’s only the dream I find so troubling.’ – this in the beginning. Then through story gain impression that character enjoys the dream – this persistence of memory of `seminal’ event. In the end get that existence of character is as dream – that it is not a persistence of her memory, but of his. (If it is your idea that she be, in the end, considered `only’ a dream of his – then references to her waking etc confuse things a little – bit like image reflected endlessly between mirrors). You have a circularity in repetition of wakening sequence. Or perhaps the idea is so long as memory exists between two people of each other (of a moment shared) it effects lives and is real. This is not to say I don’t like the ending – it makes you think and reflects back on the story.
The words he utters and her spin on them thought was a good way of refreshing the narrative relation – introducing thoughts. So pivitol in a way to story. On a sujective note made me think of such an incident. Equated it at the time with a feeling of `being home’, and later thought it might be idea of `returning to the womb’ – that sensation of having reached a place of peace, safety, warmth. Apologies for the aside.
You write really well. Wish I could be more critical – but technically okay by me. Thanks for the read I enjoyed this.
The_August_Kid reviewed Version 1 -
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Good stuff. Original perspective; one you don’t usually see.
I like your writing in general. Your sentences and usage of words. The descriptions—everything is just so crisp and well put together.
I also like the sex scene. It works perfectly because it doesnt go into too much detail, yet at the same time, doesn’t leave too much out. Very nicely written. Very tasteful.
I don’t really have any complaints about this story.
It has some lower ratings because it’s just my point of view; I don’t really enjoy romantic type stories.
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t get a twist at the end unfortunately. I’m probably being slow. In any case, I thought the story was okay. Maybe it’s because I don’t see the twist though. In general I thought it was polished and well put together but I think a couple of your sentences ran on a bit too long when they could have been broken relatively easily. For example:
He was on his back, propped slightly by a pillow. His right leg gently pried mine apart, finding its way in between them, not minding my wetness against his thigh.
or
And I could see he experienced a moment of clarity. He was able to let go and exhibit this tenderness with the sure knowledge that I got it—and I got him. He finally cherished all that he was at that moment.
zachd reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s good, but I don’t know if you could get it published. I guess maybe I didn’t get the “twist”. I mean on the surface, it seems like the woman in the story believes she is traveling through her dreams every night into her lovers arms. A bit of the super-natural, is that the twist? If so, it fits nicely and I like it as it is. A kind of self-destructive woman this one, at least that’s the way it seems to me.
I have no comment on your writing aside from that you seem to have a good grasp on how to. You write eloquently with a nice style. All I could say is maybe delve into different topics of writing. Try different things, because you have the talent, but to be honest, this story didn’t really grab me or anything and that’s what good stories are supposed to do. Good luck.
Optimistic_Man reviewed Version 1 -
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In all, I believe that this Flash Fiction was excellent. I thought that the process and plot throughout the piece seemed to work hand in hand. I’m also wondering that this little twist is that she used to be with him before but, he moved on and they got a divorce so she longing for him to come back? That’s what I’m getting from it, but I think I could be wrong. Great piece and I do believe that you should get it published, I know I would read it.
trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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Its very good. You gave a very good description of astral projection, at least what I know of it from Stranger With My Face by Lois Duncan. I can only assume that what you have here is but part of a book to come with parts of the story both before and after this part. At least, I hope so; I’m already looking forward to reading the rest. The use of imagery also makes him seem very real to me as the reader, almost tangible, his scent almost able to be smelled. Keep up the great work and best of luck to you. —Mandy
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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This is much more than romantic fiction. It conveys real sentiment and heartfelt feelings. I felt quite touched by this. I liked the idea of time, space not being able to separate them. Not sure if a dream is the only means. It seems forced to say later in bed I will dream. If the bond is that strong it could be achieved by mere thought/day-dreaming/looking out the window of a bus/train etc (only another possibility for you to consider – you are the writer and a good one)
I am no expert but believe this is good enough to be published. Did not get the twist at the end, has one of them died?
liquidsoul reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, simply wow. I love the ending there are so many twists and turns in its abstraction that, to me is beautiful for this piece. I think I get the ending at least in some parts. It seems to me that if you don’t have somebody in your mind then in a sense they don’t exist, at least not in your world. Of course it could be that she is just a figment of his imagination. In any event this was beautifully done and I commend your work here. It is a nice length too, sorry I can’t find anything that I don’t like about it. Keep up this beautiful writing.
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