Poetry / YOU

This is beautiful.  The fact that you wrote it for your son but anyone reading it can use the words for their own, is the magic in the poem.  The illustration of how powerful one person is to another  
“And like the sun you arise,
and you brighten up my day.”
makes the poem incredibly lovely.  Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful poem written for him.

lovely piece. it reminds me of this quote that goes: “With you… I lose myself, without you… I want to be lost again.”

A very unexpected point of view—original.

”...they freeze me” also a unique way of expressing the moment you see love in the flesh.

”...your dimples…they hold me…” that is precious, especially in this context.

A parent can go on and on about that life-changing love given by his child, but you were soft, brief, and refreshingly open about this miracle.

A very beautiful piece.

McKinley

I like  the  way  you  have  presented  this.  tis  is  a  warm  and  lovely  poem.

“Your eyes,
so sweet…

..they freeze me…

and your dimples…
....they hold me…”...that right there was really touching…i mean i can really feel the emotion and the feeling of being gazed upon with eyes and looks that just stun you and force you to notice and the being held in dimples is beautiful….kind of like being lost in adoration or admiration….love this joint….mad respect….Kwest.

Great job on this piece! I like this better than your other poem; the other one had a lot of meaning but was hidden by cuss words. This is much more gripping and poetic.
You could picture your son and the love you share with him. You portray a picture for the reader to understand and you allow them to escape into your poetry.
A little short though, but that is not for me to judge. It doesn’t really matter how long it is as long as what you have is good.
I particularly enjoyed the last couple of lines:
Once alone,
and lost…
...I am found in you
You gave it a big finish like your other poem and that is what most pieces lack: A dramatic ending.
You find creative and thought full things to write about. This one flows together rather well. I liked it for the most part and think you have great word usage. Keep on writing. I am eager to hear more!

I hope you won’t be offended by a couple of grammatical comments:  The first line should read: “As I open my eyes”
The second stanza: ”...As the sweat from my nightmares cleanses me”
I think you use “and” too much.  Consider taking it out in the sixth stanza:  ”Like the sun you arise, you brighten up my day”  ...same for stanzas nine and ten.
Stanza eleven, you don’t need the comma after “alone” – it confuses the meaning for me.
Otherwise, good job.  Nice mood.

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June 21, 2008

by jazzmussax

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
25	41.2% (17 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28			October 08

no thank you I a little flawed with the tech. but I love the art you know what I mean. I do understand what you mean but do you think becoming so tech will make it loss the edge I was going for?

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Awsome. Love the contrast of this poem. I also love the way you made it. overall its put together flawlessly. You made this amazingly, I am so impressed, you must REALLY love your child. Great job and best of luck to you!

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June 21, 2008

by jazzmussax

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
25	41.2% (17 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28			October 08

I do love my child and thank you for reading it you are the only one I truly understand this writing. thank you again.

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Nice. Though I am not a big fan of love poetry, this still grabs attention, it may be the dark currents that are there throughout.