Young Adult / Peanut Butter and Jelly ch. FOUR
“So, tomorrow Jims, you in or not?”
Lee’s words broke into Jimmy’s slightly glazed thoughts. He and a couple other guys were relaxing in Lee’s basement, listening to Timberland and passing around a joint. Giving a lazy smile, Jimmy watched as Lee sucked in a large whiff of smoke. The way he stuck out his lower jaw and scrunched up his freckle coated nose made him look like a monkey. It didn’t help that Lee had a slight unibrow and a mop of black hair.
He let out a loud yawn as he passed the joint to the next person sitting on the couch beside him without toking. Getting obliterated was overrated; he preferred the simple numbness of hot boxing. “Nah man, I got a date with Emmeline tomorrow. I thought I told you that.”
“You mean you weren’t joking?” Lee asked as he tossed his depleted joint onto the carpet, shrugging when it made a burn mark in the squashed red carpet. “Whatever. No show, no cut. Deliveries don’t make themselves. Frankie has personally guaranteed this shipment’s quality, which means high percentages and even higher bribes from clients wanting for more than they ordered.”
Jimmy pulled the grey hood of his hoody up over his head and slouched further into the shredded material of the couch. He had told Emmeline that he’d take her out for a night to remember. Candlelight from a fancy restaurant twinkling in her smiling green eyes flashed through his mind. She deserved quality and he was aching to give it to her. He wanted their first date to be special, but special cost money.
Glancing at Lee from under lowered brows he made up his mind to do something he’d never done before. He reassured himself it would just be this once, to be able to start out right with Emmeline. After that he’d be able to go back to deliveries only. “I’m booked tomorrow man, but what about that thing tonight?” Emmeline’s face framed and hung in his cerebral kept his eyes hard and voice steady.
Immediately the atmosphere in the room shifted. The other guys seemed to awaken from their somewhat sedated state and looked expectantly at Lee. Lee took a sip of beer and sat up a bit straighter before fully focusing his attention on Jimmy.
“You sure? You’ve always turned those jobs down before, said you wouldn’t do ‘em.” Lee drawled out. He doubted Jimmy’s sincerity, but hope was mirrored in his eyes. One of the guys still holding a joint had forgotten about it and swore when it burned down to his finger.
That seemed to break up the tension and Jimmy even smiled as he replied to Lee. “Yeah, positive. I could use the cash for my date. A bit of rough work would be worth it.” Lee’s eyes lit up. “But just this once, I’m telling you that now. So, you got room for me or what?”
“For sure. Brandon had to bail out so Frankie was a bit concerned about us being able to collect, but now we’ll for sure get it. Just come by my place around eleven.” He paused and looked Jimmy up and down for a moment. “And wear any rings you got. I’ll need you up front with me since Jordan’s a girl.”
The grungy looking youth that had burned himself with the joint grunted at the insult, but had the sense not to say anything.
*
Smiling like a kid going to Disney Land, Emmeline stood in front of her bathroom mirror and put the final touches on her make-up before standing back to make one last assessment on herself. For the first time in who knows how long, she’d actually taken the time to curl her dark brown hair in neat ringlets and change her earrings from plain silver studs to the pearls her grandmother had given her before she died. She hoped Jimmy would appreciate the effort at least.
She was wearing black pinstripe pants that elongated her legs and small black open toe shoes. Her T-shirt was tight and had soft black flowers outlined over the white material and a small set of black buttons going down a few inches from the collar. She smiled. It was perfect. Not too dressy and not too informal. Jimmy had refused to tell her where they were going so she’d had to kind of guess what to wear.
The doorbell clanged downstairs and she ran from the bathroom, grabbing her purse. She was glad when reached the door before her mom. It was Saturday night and the last thing she wanted was for her mom to greet Jimmy tipsy. Hearing footsteps coming behind her she quickly shouted a goodbye and jumped outside the door, leaving nothing to chance.
Jimmy had to grab Emmeline to prevent her from skidding right off the doorsteps. “Whoa! And I thought I was excited about tonight.” She blushed and took a deep breath of the crisp night air before stepping, balanced now, away from Jimmy and down the steps toward his beat up Chevy pick-up.
“I just want to get going is all.” Turning her head back over her shoulder she smiled. Needing no further encouragement he followed her. Soon they were sitting in traffic at a red light, talking comfortably.
“Jimmy, you still haven’t told me where you’re taking me! All I know is that you said to come hungry. Can’t you tell me now?” Her voice was very close to a whine. He knew she didn’t usually like surprises; she liked to know exactly where and when she was going to do anything. It wouldn’t shock him if she had a colour coded day schedule hidden somewhere in her room.
The light turned green and Jimmy waited for the cars ahead of him to start moving. ‘Why doesn’t everybody just hit the gas on green instead of waiting for others to move? It would make things go a lot faster.’ He wondered to himself, blocking out Emmeline’s plea. He hated making her unhappy with the wait, but knew it would be worth it in the end. His quick grin and continued silence seemed to quell any further questions and Emmeline leaned her head back, resigned.
Ten minutes later they pulled up into a parking lot and Jimmy rushed to get out and open the door for Emmeline. “We’re here!” His eyes were all mischief as he helped her out.
Looking up at the sign above the restaurant door her eyes widened and Jimmy felt a rush of satisfaction. Le Foyer was the fanciest place in the city. Only the rich and famous managed to get reservations and all the girls talked nonstop in the locker room about being taken there by someone rich, dark and handsome.
Emmeline looked up at Jimmy as he pulled the door open for her. “How did you get reservations here”
Laughing, he pulled off his hood, clean for once. “I know a guy that works in the back. Now quit gawking and let’s go.”
Stepping into the restaurant was like stepping into a fairytale for Emmeline. The lights were dimmed and the only noise that rose up to greet the was the hush of whispered dinner conversations and the pleasant clink of expensive cutlery. A large chandelier centered in the middle of the room gave off a glow that highlighted the crispness of the tablecloths and reflected brightly off the crystal champagne glasses.
Neither Emmeline nor Jimmy said a word as the usher led them to their table. Each were momentarily lost in their thoughts. Jimmy thinking about how the usher looked like an overgrown penguin in his suit and Emmeline thinking how magnificent everything was, but that it somehow didn’t feel right.
When they reached the table Jimmy sat down and picked up the menu while the usher stood behind Emmeline to pull her chair out. He grunted disapprovingly at Jimmy for sitting before Emmeline then scurried off to attend to a couple he was sure would tip better.
Jimmy’s eyes shot up as he watched the usher walk away. “I guess no matter the clothes people can be pricks.” Emmeline smiled shyly and opened her menu before closing it quickly.
“What is it?”
“It’s expensive is all. I don’t want you spending all your money. Do you want to just split an appetizer then go to the Burger Barrel? It’s enough that you brought me here.”
“No Em. Don’t worry about it. I wanted to take you here and we’re going to eat here too. It’s what you usually do at a restaurant you know?”
She smiled uncomfortably at his joke and lowered her eyes. She’d been friends with Jimmy long enough to know not to insult his pride by pointing out that one entrée cost more than what he spent on clothes in a year.
After both ordering the cheapest thing on the menu, and each pretending that Frog Sampler Salad was what they really wanted, they began talking normally. With the issue of money temporarily out of the way conversation could revert back to how crazy the science teacher what movies were coming out.
In the world away from school and broken families they were free to be themselves. Emmeline loved how Jimmy’s almost black eyes seemed to see right through her to what she was feeling. It was turning out to be exactly the evening she had wanted.
Their food came and they both picked at it distractedly. It definitely did not taste like chicken, but both were occupied with each other and not their food. Jimmy was just about to suggest they leave when Emmeline’s eyes flicked upward and she smiled.
“Emmeline, how nice to see you.” James took her hand and kissed it. He stood back up again and laughed, waving his hand and indicating the room. “A fitting greeting for our location.”
“Nice to see you to James.” Emmeline continued smiling politely. “What are you doing here?”
“My mother decided to let our cook have the night off and so we came down here. We’re finished now, otherwise I’d ask you to join us. It’s a shame I didn’t see you sooner, but we were eating in a private area.”
Jimmy rolled his eyes behind James’ back and Emmeline forced her attention to remain on James as he spoke.
“I must say though, you look lovely this evening. What’s the occasion?”
“Uh…I’m actually on a date. With Jimmy.”
James spun around and faced Jimmy with mock surprise. “Oh I didn’t even see you there champ. Ha. I thought you preferred McDonald’s to fine dining? Or at least I thought your budget preferred that.” He smirked before quickly turning back to Emmeline and continuing. “Well, my parents are waiting in the car so I should go. I’ll see you in class Emmeline.”
“Goodbye James.” Emmeline said as James left. “Perhaps we should go to Jimmy?”
He stood, scraping the chair loudly in the quiet room, picked up the bill and walked wordlessly away.
He was silent the entire way back to Emmeline’s house, brooding it appeared.
Exasperated, Emmeline turned from the truck’s door to face him when they had stopped. “What’s up with you? You were fine at dinner but now you’re all gloomy. I know James can be a jerk to you but it’s not like you’re not insulted worse when you’re around Lee.”
“Do you like him?” James asked without preamble. It was dark and there were no streetlights even to reveal his expression as he spoke.
“Who? James?”
Jimmy slammed his hand against the top of his steering wheel, making Emmeline jump. “No not James. The fricking postman!”
Emmeline drew in a quivering breath. “No Jimmy I don’t. Now, I’m leaving. I’ll see you at school.” With her head down she went to open the door but Jimmy jumped over and grabbed her hand.
“No.” He paused and took a breath. “Look Em, I’m sorry. I just don’t get why you would be out with me when you could be out with him.”
“Jimmy, it’s not about money. You better than anyone should know I don’t care about that.”
“I do know. But can you blame me for thinking it?”
She smiled softly and looked him right in the eye. “No, I guess not.”
She let her hands travel up to his face and leaned up to kiss him. He let her kiss him sweetly until he couldn’t handle it anymore and took control of the kiss. His hand traveled down to her waist and he started kissing her neck.
A crash from inside Emmeline’s house startled them out of their daze and they sat up slowly.
“I guess I should go, my mom probably broke something.”
“Yeah.”
Emmeline got out and walked up her steps into her house.
“I’ll see you later.” Jimmy said to the empty seat next to him before putting the keys in the ignition and driving off.
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Very, very good. You’ve found your talent, that’s for sure. You’ve got me interested in Jimmy and Emmaline. I want to know what is going on with Jimmy and his “friends”. Do they work for a drug dealer? There were some misspelled words and a couple of other grammar issues, but, I’m guessing they’re typos which can easily be fixed.
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I rate this story high on all levels. It’s perceptive and funny, with realistic characters and situations. The dialog is believable, like being there. There are little touches that give it extra flavor like the joint that burns to the finger tips. I did notice a few misspellings but overall this story is better than most of its kind.
Had to read the third paragraph twice before I realized they were talking about selling drugs.
Good suspense a few paragraphs later, you want to scream at the kid not to do whatever it is that he never did before but is going to do tonight.
I like the way you showed how the other guys reacted to this; like the joint burning his fingers, instead of just saying they were shocked.
Then I felt cheated when he apparently got away with it.
Watch out for hackneyed phrases like ‘mirrored in his eyes’ and ‘leaving nothing to chance’
“Smiling like a kid going to Disney Land, Emmeline stood in front of her
bathroom mirror and put the final touches on her make-up before standing
back to make one last assessment on herself. For the first time in who
knows how long, she’d actually taken the time to curl her dark brown hair
in neat ringlets and change her earrings from plain silver studs to the
pearls her grandmother had given her before she dieded Jimmy would
appreciate the effort at least.”
The above paragraph has some problems. First off, when you start a sentence with a word that ends in ‘ing’ it kind of makes the whole sentence backwards. And it screams amateur.
“kid going to Disney land” and “For the first time in who knows how long”—more hackneyed phrases.
“It’s obvious that she’s assessing herself,” no need for you to state it.
“the pearls her grandmother had given her before she dieded” Good way of getting some backstory to the reader painlessly. And watch your spelling.
“Neither Emmeline nor Jimmy said a word as the usher led them to their table.” You find ushers at movie theaters, funerals and weddings, not restaurants. You want a maitre de, hostess or waiter. You need to go to a fancy restaurant to see what it’s really like (Okay, you’re 15 years old and you already spent your allowance at McDonalds. Read some restaurant reviews.)
“Perhaps we should go to Jimmy?” This sentence should read, “Perhaps we should go too, Jimmy?” Though I find it hard to believe a teenager could use the word “perhaps” with a straight face.
Okay, enough picking. I found the story an interesting read, the situation of people who have been old friends starting to romance is fascinating. I wanted to see what happed with them. Usually I get bored halfway through short stories but you managed to entertain me, not an easy thing. I enjoy your style, also.
You did a good job, especially considering your age. I hope you keep on writing!
I like the way that you have placed the events in the story. You also give well decsriptive details of Jimmy and his friends. These types of situations actually do happen in everyday life for teens and adults. You have some grammar errors such as punctuations, but that is certain to happen sometimes.
Overall, your story kept me hooked. I’ll have to read up on the other chapters. This is the first chapter that I have read of your series. Good work.
DANG. This was really a pretty good piece considering your age. I was a bit lost at times, but for whatever reason that did not distract from the overall merit of the characters or the entirety of the story itself. I believe you have something in works here that could be very powerful. Thanks
Jesse James
p.s. – great use of diction/figurative language elements
This was interesting, and it leaves me wondering what is going to happen, which is good. A few things… there’s a slight error in the sentence “how crazy the science teacher what movies were coming out.” maybe after the word teacher add was and a comma.
My favorite part was how you described the awkwardness when they are ordering. It is well written.
overall this piece flows well.
You show a high aptitude for writing. I very much enjoyed your scene here. The description of the fancy restaurant was first hand I imagine. Your characters could use more development but I liked your insight into many small details like ‘he’d actually taken the time to curl her dark brown hair in neat ringlets and change her earrings from plain silver studs to the pearls her grandmother had given her before she died.’ The dish they ordered ‘Frog Sampler Salad’ was a good touch too.
You left unexplained what it was ‘that thing tonight’. Apparently it was dangerous and paid very well and went successfully but we readers would like to know what it was.
The character ‘James’ was confusing at first. I thought it might be Jimmy putting on airs in the fancy restaurant. I would have picked a different name. At times Jimmy shows maturity and at other times he shows childish behavior but I suppose for his age group that’s to be expected.
The crash from inside the house that interrupts their making out is a cliche which has been used before once or twice.
You show good promise as a writer and I wish you well.
Dogfish
This is really good. I really feel like I am getting to know the characters, not by you telling me about them, but through the characters themselves. That’s something that, I think, is really hard to do as a writer and I struggle with. So, kudos for good work! The only error I could find was once, you used the name James in place of Jimmy, but that’s all. It is really good, and I could sincerely see this getting published somewhere.
Your story has the kind needed for most stories, not just the ones dealing with Young Adult Fiction. You tell details you bring the reader in and for the most part it is a very interesting story. You especially open up well with,
“Lee’s words broke into Jimmy’s slightly glazed thoughts. He and a couple other guys were relaxing in Lee’s basement, listening to Timberland and passing around a joint. Giving a lazy smile, Jimmy watched as Lee sucked in a large whiff of smoke. The way he stuck out his lower jaw and scrunched up his freckle coated nose made him look like a monkey. It didn’t help that Lee had a slight unibrow and a mop of black hair.”
Your details are wonderful for an audience you are dealing with, the questions I have deal more with are about where you intend on sending this story. To me it seems like this has a lot of young romance in it. Which is fine, but from reading just this chapter and that is all I have to go on right now, there isn’t anything but a budding romance going on. That is fine, but for the field you want to go into, I suggest that you put in other things and perhaps not even make it about the romance as much as the friends or a certain situation that happens and involves all of them.
Saying all that I think you did a superb job in writing this and you have plenty of talent. Good luck in your future writings!
This is adorable, and very well put to gether for a fifteen year old. I saw very little gramatical and spelling errors, you seem to have revised this and proof read it quite well. This was very eas to read and I believe that if you wanted to you could really get it published and out there.
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