Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Crowners Book I- Call Outs
Chapter One
The body lay cold on the ground. The body was that of a young woman, blond hair strewn about her face, hair fogged over blue eyes gazing upwards at the full moon. There was a gaping wound in her stomach that had caused her death. A puddle of crimson liquid had formed around her. Knelt down beside her was Archie Thommavongsa, assistant medical examiner for Jericho P.D.
Around the lifeless body, red, white, and blue lights whirled, lighting the late night gloom. Yellow tape went up, closing off the alley from passersby.
“What cha got for me Archie?” Captain O’Hara lifted up the tape and crossed the police line, sucking in his gut, which had been fattened too many Krispy Kreems. The medical examiner was already examining the body.
“Caucasian female, late teens to early twenties, blonde, blue eyed and freckles. Cause of death appears to be massive blood loss but I’ll let you know something more concrete once we get her back to the morgue.” The young Laotian man answered.
“Probably another whore murder,” O’Hara grumbled as he nudged the body with his foot.
“I wouldn’t do that Captain,” A cool voice from the shadows cautioned.
“Oh great; not you boys again.” O’Hara growled, his brown mustache bristling. “This case belongs to Jericho PD, not you snotty asses.”
“As of five minutes ago, the authority over this case has been handed over to the Jericho Crowners division by authority of Governor Mario Andrews. My team has been given the assignment.” The voice corrected. “I want all evidence you have collected ready to be packaged and sent over to Camelot. I’ll be sending one of my guys over to supervise the transition. All documentation is to be given to my agent as well as an electronic copy sent to my office. Failure to comply with any of my demands from now until the closing of this case will bring swift retribution. Am I clear?”
“You want her,” O’Hara gave the dead girl a filthy look. “You can have the poor slut, but don’t come talking down to me, damned Crowner.” With that, the overweight police captain turned and walked to the other side of the police line where a crowd had already formed.
“He’s a pleasant man,” The person attached to the voice stepped from the shadows. He was a young man, tall, around six foot two, and incredibly lean. His skin was of a medium brown shade and his eyes were a piercing shade of red-brown. His jet-black hair shone in the low light. He wore the black uniform all Crowners wore. Over his heart was the group’s insignia; a golden crown. Resting in a holster strapped to his waist was a modified version of an M1911 Infinity handgun.
“Nice to see you Evan.” Archie smiled as he turned back to the body. “It’s been awhile.”
“Not long enough I’m afraid.” Evan sighed as he gazed down on the body. “Another hit by Mr. Evisceration?”
“Appears so. That makes four confirmed bodies.”
“He’s gone serial on us.” The Crowner nodded. “That explains why the higher-ups made this Crowner business in such a hurry.”
“Yeah. Well I guess I better get out of here; I hear Chief Barnes is firing anyone who interferes with a Crowner investigation.” Archie began to pack up his stuff.
“Actually, my medical examiner is out sick and I’d feel much better if you took his place until he’s recovered. I don’t trust people who aren’t familiar with how I like things done.” Evan said.
Archie’s face brightened. “Are you serious? The Crowner morgue is like Mecca for us.”
“I read your paper on ways to better asses a body at the scene so time isn’t wasted. Very efficient.”
Archie only grinned at the praise being heaped on him.
“So here’s your temporary badge which will allow you into Camelot without being harassed.” Evan handed over the plastic card. “I’ll call the rest of my team while you finish up.”
The Crowner turned from the medical examiner and turned his head upwards slightly. Activating intricate technology woven into his natural body, he selected four names and opened up a communication line to them.
“Sorry to wake you guys up but we’ve been given the Mr. Evisceration cases. He’s just claimed another body and if we do our jobs right, we’ll catch him before he can claim another. Briggs and Brandon I want you down at the crime scene. Rubi is to meet the body at Camelot, autopsy theatre number four; Collins is out with the flu still so Archie will be filling in. Shan I want you over at Jericho P.D. to pick up all information involving this killer. Get familiar with the material; we’re in for the long haul.”
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Did you know that in 16th Century England, there was a position called the Crowner who was responsible for determining/investigating suspicious or unusual death?
This is interesting, and I would read more, but I wonder what makes this “futuristic?” Other than the ‘intricate technology woven into his natural body’ this reads just like any current period crime story. You have to do a lot more to convince the reader that this is set in the future. Yellow plastic crime scene tape, red, white & blue flashers, Krispy Kremes—-as current time/place. You have to create a futuristic environment that the reader immediately grasps as ‘different.’
Some little things. First sentence needs to be a better hook. I would adjust the first and second sentences to read more like—The body of the young girl lay crumpled on the cold ground, her blond hair strewn about her face, and her blue eyes gazing upwards at the full moon.
Then be careful of redundancies—A puddle of crimson liquid—we know its blood, you know its blood, the reader knows its blood. So just say—blood puddled under her back. Or ‘a crimson puddle surrounded her.
Other than that, work on making it really sound futuristic.
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Excellent! I liked the use of dialogue and action to keep it moving. Terminology such as Camelot, Crown, etc. adds to the intrigue. Only thing not as believable is the flu, if they are futuristic and have such technology, maybe a vacation or some other excuse for not being on the job is better than the flu? Otherwise I really enjoyed it. Keep going!
Body body body… need to find a better word. vary sentences. Victim, body, give the body a name….I would recommend, causes of death, and other ‘howdunnit’ series books, your cops sound like laymen, as do your coroners. I think if you fix that, and give us a little better rhythm, you will have a good book.
I’m hearing too much of the narrator, I want to hear the story. Show me the story, is it wet out there? Maybe show us that Even is sizing people up before he announces himself. Maybe show us a few seconds before everyone crosses the tape, so we can see what they do when they aren’t on camera… then we know who the liars are.
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