Poetry / Pannish Veil

“with nectar of gods, tongue-lapped” best line. This poem is so good and you just have to giggle at a lot of it. It’s so mature sounding but it’s just..sexual. Haha but I mean it’s really good. I just doubt this poem would be published just for the double meaning of it. But never say never! Keep writing!

This is playful and flows well. I think it is overdone however. Some of the descriptions become turgid rather than light-hearted and humorous. I suggest:

exciting scents, not “scents that excite.”
Did you mean “Trojan” warrior? Troy was in what’s now Turkey.
“Openly spreading” is awkward why not just “spreading”
“moist pockets crying” sounds weird. Likewise with “leaking birthplaces.”
“Aromatic aura” why not just aroma?
“sweat-lined” I don’t know that it’s sweat-lined, more like sweat-covered. Why not just sweaty, or moist, or damp, or humid?

I would enjoy seeing a revision of this!

This must be how the cultured talk about sex, filthy and dirty as all get out, but one almost needs a decoder ring to figure it out.

I like it, even if it makes me blush, especially so

The poem starts by talking about rabbits in a forrest. After the line begining with the hidden temples, i am lost. Don’t get me wrong. The poem is well written if not a bit ambiguous in places, however i am not sure what the rest of it is about after the temple. It could be just me.
Deflating King Richard
And the pride that he claims
Knowledge of bible both
Inside and out . . . in and. . . . . out. I am not sure how this stanza  fits into the poem.

What does the word Pannish mean?

In and Out Roman warrior,.clad What are you saying here? the word “plastic” seems out of place with the nature setting.
Battling life, plastically
I applaud you for the rythem your piece has. I just can’t figure out its meaning. Sorry. Respectfully, Sandi

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September 13, 2008

by Sunforged

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27	M	Freeville, NY	October 22

Pannish: relating to Pan Greek God of Fertility

from wiki:Pan is famous for his sexual powers, and is often depicted with an erect phallus.  

(silk forests teeming w/ wood..two bunnies romp (what do bunnies tend to do together?))

...deflating King Richard (nasty nickname?)

to know someone in the biblical sense?

drastic change in pace intended to reflect a physical pause in the “veiled” event

Roman Warrior (trojan? kind of a loose inference) plastic-trojan

cradle saved-roman ware?

This is pretty much an adolescent sex poem, where i obscure mythological references to make it sound deeper than it is.

But if you know its a sex poem, its kinda fun to see all the double entendre.

I do feel looking back that read aloud, knowing the theme the pacing is very fun.

apparently no one has got it yet, which makes it that much more fun.

I think i will add some info about pan in teh reviewer notes.

thanks for reading

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This is one of those poems that, will written well enough, is damn impossible to figure out. I read it and was “What the…?” Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing; sometimes a confusing bit of poetry is just the thing. Lewis Carroll certainly did plenty of those.

There was an excellent choice of words here, and everything really flowed.

All in all a fun little poem.

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September 13, 2008

by Sunforged

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Well to put it bluntly, its a sex poem.

September 13, 2008

by snarfus

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31	M	Drexel Hill, PA	November 21

Ohhh… Now I get it.

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I liked this :)

in the 7th stanza I think you should make kama-flow “Karma-flow” it just would be more readly identified. Also you might want to shorten this, its a bit to long and might get boring to some.

-TDO

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September 13, 2008

by Sunforged

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Kama= Kāma (Skt., Pali; Devanagari: काम) means pleasure, sensual gratification, sexual fulfillment, pleasure of the senses, desire, eros, the aesthetic enjoyment of life…therefore a big key to the double entendre intended.

Did you catch that? karma of course has a far different meaning..

double entendre:The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as ‘A double meaning; a word or phrase having a double sense, especially as used to convey an indelicate meaning’ [emphasis added]. In these cases, the first meaning is presumed to be the more innocent one, while the second meaning is risqué, or at least ironic, requiring the hearer to have some additional knowledge.

Pan: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_(mythology)

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I really enjoyed this and read it several times to get the full effect.  It is my favorite so far.  How vivid you paint the pictures to make one big picture.  It is cunning and clever, you must have been in the zone when you put this to paper.  :D Unique and interesting.

I love some of the words you chose. They were imaginative and unique. Unfortunately I couldnt make hide nor hare of it, pun intended. Im not sure what the point of this piece is, or if there even was one. I will say it was different; individual.

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September 11, 2008

by Sunforged

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in retrospect, i was just playing around with puns.

i felt i had some success with the pacing matching the subject matter—a carnal event

September 13, 2008

by Sunforged

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AFter 6 reviews, i feel that maybe the double entendre is not caught.

Perhaps not everyone is a mythology/religion buff.

so if you were interested on making hide or hare:

double entendre:The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as ‘A double meaning; a word or phrase having a double sense, especially as used to convey an indelicate meaning’ [emphasis added]. In these cases, the first meaning is presumed to be the more innocent one, while the second meaning is risqué, or at least ironic, requiring the hearer to have some additional knowledge.

Pan: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_(mythology)

Also check out the other review comments, perhaps its just to ambiguous obscure, or perhaps you just didnt know to look deeper since I  in no one showed a context or suggested one should except for  with the title.

lightbulbs tend to go off when people read it aloud

September 14, 2008

by GreenIguana

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45	F	NY, NY	November 21

No, Sunforged, people are just stupid.

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