Thank you for your positive reponse :) Really made my day
I wrote this for an English narrative assignment But this is only chapter 1 i forgot to mention that. Im really bad at spelling to as shown lol. But I will try and improve and add more chapters
Short Story / Unimportant
“whats wrong autumn?”,the question on everyone’s lips. Just because of my “little accident”, Im mentally unstable?I don’t need anyone. When I did who was there? No one.Thats right. I fight my own battles.And Win.
I can’t help being who I am.I know Im a walking contradiction of gossip around town.The spiked comments on tickle me nowadays. I know I set myself up for scruitiny and can’t blame anyone but myself,but i wish I could rely on something other than my medication.
Nothing seems to be …right,anymore.Everyone,Everything,is changing. Its my worst nightmare to be left behind. There is no one I can honestly confess my soul to anymore.The bridges I fought so hard to established have been decimated in one moment of weakness and despair.No one understands who I truly am.Or the disorder that owns me.
I am the embodiment of unique. Im complete misfit in society for instance, today I just happened to have my unruly locks in a quiff,so big anyone scared of heights shouldn’t try to conquer with seductive tones of illumious purple which works for the greatest of effects.
Labels are thrown at me regarding myh style or way of thinking by my peers.Even my so called friends have me down as one thing or another.What hurts me most is the way a story passes by word of mouth. Before you even get to greet a person they seem to have every embarassing or unbearable account in their repetoire,as if they had had the front row seats of the event.And of course my story is no differnt .I’d rather you have heard it from me than those who manipulate it for the hell of a good story.
I laughed, as I always did at the jokes I never fully understood.Camaflaged amongst the popular kids. The “it” crowd.As I glanced around the vicous circle of friends comparing traits.Trying to remeber if we were ever compatible.The other five joked and back-stabbed other people whilst I sat in silence.I may be the great pretender but I definatly was no back-stabbing bitch.Gossip was the devils language and if they wanted to indulge in it ,I was to play no part.
“Oi! what the hells wrong with you!” they all shrieked,I looked up to acknowledge their scornful faces.”If you’re not goingt o speak to us get lost”
“I just have…stuff.On my mind,is all” I stammered. Yet again they’ve cornered me.I didnt need that this morning.”Oh!,It speaks!”Selina snorted.She was Louise’s worshipper.Deep chestnut hair and olive skin,with the world at her feet yet she still felt she needed a dictator to her life.She lived only to pleaseLouise,who had stayed quiet until now,enjoying the spectacle no doubt..”Honestly,Why do you hang around with us if all you do is stay quiet.At first it was cute but now! God! You’re such a drama queen!” I quickly shut my eyes ,I try even harder to shut out her echoing comments. “I mean come on Autumn, You dress like a complete gothic loser,your hair is beyond freakish,and don’t get me started on your pathetic choice of misfit aquientences. If I didnt know the “old” you I would hate you” I fought the trechous tears that began to form.”Big girls don’t cry.Big girls don’t cry.” I repeat my ecret mantra to try and save myself from brawling like a baby.These guys were some of my closest friends.Now they cut me and have no idea how I bleed.My belly’s filled with a haemorraging of hate.Tehy twirled my self esteem like aspinning top until I had no bearings.They were almost like my compass but didn’t want me to find where I trully belonged.”Are you listening Autumn!This is what I mean! Its like the lights are on but no-body’s home with you.We don’t even know you anymore.You’re just too—” “Differnt” I wearily pitched in ” Yeah,Differnt,weird,strange,Whatever but tomorrow I suggust you find another group to ignore. I think I speak for everyone when I say enough is enough”,And with this they left.
I found myself alone.
Our friendship was dead had been for a while.I should have just told them my secret.I know they may judge harshly but,al least it would have been out in the open.I pretend not to care what people think.I don’t,but these weren’t just any people they were meant to be my friends.And I feared their every thought.I already knew what most folk thought of bisexuals.Espcially in an all girls school.So far I’d told no one.
Im not sure if it was because I was in constant fear of judgement or because you can’t just go “Oh by the way I’m bisexual! See ya later!”This secret had to come with me to my grave. Anyway it shouldn’t matter who I date but how they treat me.Of course I’d had the odd boyfriend but or two in the past but why should seeing a girl be differnt? Well Thats the way I see it. This aside I had so much on my mindn already; GCSEs,Coursework deadlines,My mom on my case 24/7. Now My broken friendships were to be added to the list. I know these seem like easy unchallenging events when you’re focused and determined,but I just felt this over powering ,crippling rage and depression. Thats what i don’t understand about me. One minute I want to scream. throw,chairs,flale my fists and cause as much destruction as possible. Whilst the next ill sing and dance merrily,feeling a surge of electric hyperness shock me into impulsive action. I can’t understand whats happening o me. The changes I have to go through. I hate change. The only reason I always change myself is so that when a big change comes my way,Im prepared for it.
The lunch bell shattered the peace in the playground and a tidal wave of students rushed to class. I trailed off to the toilets as the residue of the whole day dragged heavily on me. I find an empty stall and cry my sorrowful tears. They were the only ones who seemed to understand how I really felt.I cried for friendship.I cried for hope. I cried for change. no one in this world understood my tourment nor could they solve it.I know I had never had anyone but now it was offical. My mother’s love had gone.My friends love had perished.Life’s love seemed to have skipped past me.What’s the point of me carrying on? Would it matter if I just disappeared? Perhaps the world is better off without me,and anyway i want out.The next life must hold something better. I need to escape,I don’t know how,But Ive got to try.Right? I rememeber my paracetomols from the day before.
Bingo
I deleve into the dark depths of my school bag and find a half filled box of paracetomols.twenty nine to be precise. I swallow one after another.Tear,eyeliner,and mascara mix together to form dark smears on my face.I think that i’m going to be sick.I take a quick swig of my lemonade.to wash them down. 26.27.28.29.Finished. As soon as I swallow the last paracetamol time seemed to slow down for at least a second but it felt like a life time.The room began to recklessly spin uncontrollably and the last thing i rememeber before the darkness was sinking deeper and deeper into my hands.The darkness over powered me as I fight the urge to fall into a deep heavy sleep.
A sleep I knew I might never wake up from
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VoidSucker reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, there are LOTS of minor errors in this piece:
- spelling mistakes:
‘for scruitiny’
‘embarassing’
‘Camaflaged’
‘vicous’
‘haemorraging’
- typos:
‘myh style’
‘Tehy twirled’
‘I suggust’
‘I deleve’
- no spaces after punctuation marks:
‘unstable?I don’t’
‘but myself,but’
‘hands.The darkness’
- sentences that don’t make sense grammatically:
‘so big anyone scared of heights shouldn’t try to’
‘The spiked comments on tickle me nowadays’
etc
Your age says 15, so I’ll forgive you! But you DO need to sort these simple things out and do it NOW – it’s the best way to learn.
Is your story interesting? Not really as it stands, but potentially yes. Besides the errors above, you need to try to SHOW us the torment of the character rather than just telling us he is mentally unstable. SHOW us a scene where he is unstable – stuffing a cat in a microwave? Trying to shove pencils up his nostrils to scratch the imbalance of his brain? Something weird but logical along those lines.
You might also want to start your story with a beginning that grips the reader, something that MAKES them want to continue reading.
One last point - with a first person narrative, try not to fall into the trap of narrating EVERYTHING. We, the reader, still prefer scenes showing us a character trait as opposed to a narrator telling us. This is the difference between a bland story anyone could write and a gripping emotional story that a reader can’t put down.
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FreakMorbidity reviewed Version 1 -
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planetaryexit reviewed Version 1 -
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The typos that are in your work add depth into your message, I feel as if I can hear a voice from long ago. As for the message if it is true, I’m dating a bisexual chick, its no big deal the problem is that your in middle school, and to be truthful that is the pit of existance. Also if the people that are your friends then just make new ones for they are lame. Lastly the way you faded out is a really nice trick. Good luck to ya.
samfreely reviewed Version 1 -
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you really bring out the persona of a troubled youth, but i’m not sure if that was intentional or not. namely due the bad spelling and grammatical errors that plague this piece. i think you do have a talent worth shaping and with a little work this piece could be so much more. on a more personal note, this piece really reminds me of the troubled personality of my ex-wife, the disassociation with friends and family alike and the inability to make things work with other people. so i can definitely relate on that level. keep at it and watch those small mistakes, this piece has potential.
ashupe reviewed Version 1 -
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The story seemed a little cliche. not bad, just a little…overdone? you might say. the subject matter being the usual teenage angst of dealing with issues of friends, sexuality, suicide. Maybe you could show a little bit of Autumn’s past around where Selina says she would hate her if she didnt know the “old” Autumn. And who is Louise? it’s obvious that it’s some main character of the “cool clique” but, it might be nice to hear more description of those characers. there were some minor spelling and grammar problem’s that can be fixed with simple editing, but a little more expansion of the story could make it much more interesting.
MorbidShadows reviewed Version 1 -
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This story has just stabbed me right in the heart with sadness for Autumn. Once I reached the end I seriously started crying for how wicked our society can be. In this case, her “best friends” who in my definition are your worse enemies. I use to be blinded by that fact that friends were always loyal when in sad reality that isn’t true. As the saying goes, “Keep your friends close… keep your enemies closer…” Basically the closer you are to someone the more you know their secrets that you can use against them in the most sadistic ways for the idiotic reasons. Not to be stereotypical, but mankind needs to look beyond the judgmental ignorance in their perceptions of someone just because of the way they dress or what race they are or what sexual orientation they are. We shouldn’t base on other’s actions simply because of how they appear to you. That’s just ignorant to who they are underneath. Most of the time we don’t give people the mere chance of coming to understand them before we condemn them. It’s not fair to them nor yourself. Your both at loss for missing friendships and other bonds as well. Instead of shunning others we don’t understand we should attempt to help them. You never know you could perhaps save their life in a way. This story can be a lesson for all of us. As a result of people’s judgmental nature led to this troubled girl’s suicide. I mourn her death as well of others like her. Although this story may not be true, it’s a symbolization of girls that go through these same hardships. There are so many sad truths entwined with this short story and so much has been said. I will never understand how in most cases we despise what we fear. We always fear what we don’t understand and sometimes we lack the desire, the ambition to understand.
As for the structure, there are major grammar and spelling errors that you can clearly see. I’d highly suggest for revisions on those aspects. I often don’t really bring up to much about those kind of errors because I read the content. That means more to me. However, there are others with higher critique standards then me and my assumptions are that they’ve already pointed out to you all these errors. With those revisions that’s all you really need to do to make improvements. The content in my view makes up for all those errors. Also please don’t be torn down if others have nitpicked on grammar. Just practice at that. I’m appreciative and admire your what you’ve written and I’m looking forward to seeing you work as it matures.
-veronica
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