Thank you for this review. I know spelling definetly isn’t my strong point and is one of the things holding me back. Shall have to use spell check more often!
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The ones left behind
I remember it like it was yesterday. The knock on the door. The police man’s kind voice. My mother’s muffled crys as my father held her tight. Though, I don’t really suppose that’s something you forget in a hurry is it? I was the youngest of five, and the only boy. Had just turned ten wen it happened. The house was never the same afterwards. Dad buried himself in is work and Mom, well she just liked to pretend it never happened. Not denial exactly, Let’s call it blind hope.
I grew up in the tiniest, most pointless little town in Alabama. That’s right, hicksville. Red-neck ally. My pointless little town was just like every other pointless little town that existed. Nothing ever happened here.
Nothing exept the murder of Lacey Turner.
Now, I’m not going to go off on some spill about how wonderfull Lacey Turner was. I hate that don’t you? Seeing teachers, or people who never gave the viticm a second glance when he/she was alive, suddenly on the news talking about what a model student/truley amazing person he/she was. You’re not exactly going to say otherwise are you? No, Let’s stick to the cold hard facts.
Lacey Turner was eighteen. Lacey Turner was far from a model student. Lacey Turner went off the rails. Lacey Turner was bruitally murdered, but most importaintly, Lacey Turner was my big sister.
Chapter one.
Another satuarday night. Another argument between Lacey and my mother. Typical night in the Turner household. Boy was I wrong. I don’t remember the exact details, something about a party, It didn’t seem importaint at the time. Mom would say she couldn’t go. She’d sneek out her window and go anyway, come back the next afternoon nursing a hang over. Only, this time she never came back. That was fifteen years ago. I’m now twenty-five and had my sister been alive today she’d be thirty-three. More than likey married with children of her own. Just like me.
You want details, right? Everyone always wants details. It’s like having a murdered sister makes you some sort of star. Here goes:
Satuarday the 21st of November 1991.
My sister sneeks out to a party.
Sunday the 22nd of November 1991 8:30pm.
My parents report my sister missing. They tell myself and my twin sisters Aimee and Ashley, then twelve that Lacey is staying over with a friend. My fifteen year old sister, Jessica, seeing the panic in my mothers face, doesn’t buy this. She demands answers. Myself and the twins are sent to our respective rooms, mom and dad sit Jessie down. They tell her the truth. Lacey didn’t call, she wasn’t staying with friends. In fact, she didn’t make it to the party, if her on again off again boyfriend Rick is to be believed.
Sunday the 6th of December 1991.
The police find their first clue. A blood splattered pink converse sneeker. Size 5. Lacey’s. For three months that was it.
Sure, they spoke to all her friends, everyone at the party. Everyone said she didn’t show. No-one could think of a reason why. The trail was cold. No witnesses, no real evidence, save the shoe, and no suspects. The story fell of the front page after a few weeks. After three months she was as good as forgotten. Wouldn’t it be wonderfull if everyone could forget just as easily? If the newest tragdey that we read about in the newspaper made us move on from the last? Out of sight out of mind.
Just about everyone had given up on finding Lacey alive. Just about everyone bar my mother. She’d still set the table for seven in case Lacey decided to waltz in. Still record all of her favorite shows. You know, just in case she’d missed them. Everything went on as normal. Everything exept our sister was missing and our father had become a slave to his work.
I can’t blame either of my parents for the way they acted. Each was simply getting by. One numbed the pain by keeping busy, the other by pretending it never existed. The months rolled on, the years rolled on nothing. Each of us surviving Turners had found our own ways of coping.
Jessie, now eighteen, just like Lacey was, had a steady boyfriend to focus her attentions on. His name was Tyler James. He was nineteen and rode a motercycle just like Rick. My father didn’t approve.
Rick had become the main suspect when it had become clear that this was no longer a missing person enquiry, but a murder enquiry. Everyone knew about his shady past. Father was a drunk, beat him and his mother regularly un-till his mother snapped one night – I should add this comes from the rumour-mill that is Riverton High – and beat him to death with a poker/stabbed him with a kitchen knife/put good use to the axe kept in the garage. No-one know’s the true story, no one bar Mrs Harvers and she’s on death row for the murder. So, I suggest you pick one of the afore mentioned options or conguire up one of your very own. Isn’t that how all the best true – and I use that word lightly – life horror stories begin?
My father had never gotten over the fact that Rick Harvers was released without charge. Violent father, murdering mother, not to mention he was the last person to see Lacey alive.
I myself wasn’t so sure. No doubt that Rick was a shady character but – call me nieve – I was sure that deep down he loved my sister. He didn’t kill her I was sure of it. I shared this little gem with my sisters on the eve of the third anniversary of Lacey dissapearance. You weren’t allowed to say murder in our house. She was still alive after all.
“Don’t be stupid!”
Aimee now fourteen scoffed. Obvioulsy disgusted with the idea. Aimee had always been a daddies girl. As had Lacey, it figured she sided with his theory. I have no doubt she took comfort in it.
“There’s no evidence to link him to the death.”
“Kristopher,”
Ashley used my full first name and I visably cringed. No one but Lacey ever called me that. I was Kris. Plain and simple.
“There’s no evidence period.”
She had a point. The police had given up by now though they, of course, didn’t tell this to my parents.
Another November came and passed. As did another Christmas. We didn’t even both to put up a tree anymore. What was the point?
Chapter two.
Lacey Turner checked her make-up and hair in the mirror one last time. She was tall, pretty. Not in the Barbie Princess type way. No. Lacey had a wild side. Her naturally blonde hair was dyed metallic blue and tonight scraped up in two un-even and messy bunches on the top of her head. She had ear, nose and lip rings. Her parent’s hadn’t approved, but that was mostly why she’d done it. She hiked up her, already too short, black rag effect skirt. Her little brother had said it looked like a witches skirt, her mother rats tails. She was yet to decide who was more accurate. Black and pink striped tights covered her long slim legs, pink converse on her feet and, as always she had on a death-metal band t-shirt, she’d never listened to death metal in her life, but hey, who would know? The t-shirt was ripped, cut and altered to show off her new body art. A huge dragon on her right upper arm and the name Rick in a love heart on her lower back. She thought the reaction to the piercings was bad. That was nothing on the tattoos. A month later and she was still grounded.
Lacey wouldn’t let this stop her. Everyone who was anyone would be at this party tonight. She left the note for her mother on her pillow, taking pride in the thought that she wasn’t completly self-absorbed. She didn’t want her mother to worry.
She walked over to her bedroom window, flung it open and climbed out. ‘This is gonna be the night everyone remembers.’ she thought to herself as she shimmied down the drain pipe. If only she’d have known how right she was.
Lacey made her way to the end of the street where Rick, her on again off again partner of almost three year would be waiting on his motorcycle. Rick was far from the typical teenage dream boat. He was tall. Long dark hair. Always greasy, always in a ponytail. he rarley shaved, and what you could see of his face wasn’t pretty. Not that Rick would have cared. Dressed in a black leather jacket, white wife beater, ripped jeans and biker boots. Look up the term ‘bad boy’ in your dictionary and there would be a picture of Rick.
People stayed clear of him in school. He’d never threatened anyone in his life. He never had to. News travels fast in small towns.
It was hard to stand out in a place like Riverton. Lacey and Rick did.
She hopped onto the bike behind him and he took off like a speeding bullet. Neither wore helmets. They never did.
Rick dropped Lacey off in front of Erica’s house. He told her he’d meet her inside, gave her a quick peck on the lips and went to park his bike. That was the last time anyone saw Lacey Turner alive.
Fifteen years on there was still no-one in custody, no new leads and most certianly, no prime suspect.
People had their own theories, like they always do when this type of thing happens. Some still blamed Rick, some expected Lacey’s own father.
She’d come from a good Chirstian family and he most certainly didn’t like the way she had turned out, but was he really capable of murder?
Here’s the thing, anyone. Yes, anyone given the motive, pushed far enough. Anyone can kill.
Chapter three
Kris Turner or Jake Galloway as he was now known, sat at his desk for the fifth day that week doing no real work as usual. He’d changed towns and names alot in the last 15 years, yet someone always managed to find out who he was. “That poor kid who’s sister was murdered in Riverton way back when.”
He watched the clock praying for 5pm to arrive so he could escape the hell hole that was his office. When it finally did role aroud he grabbed his jacket, reached for his cell phone and headed for the exit. Pressing speed-dial one on his phone as he did.
A woman answered.
“Hello little brother.”
“Hey Jess, how are the kids.”
Jessica had married Tyler James and they now had three adorable children of their own to care for. They still lived in Riverton. Kris asked himself everyday how they could bare it. Maybe she was just made of stronger stuff than he. He had gotten out as quickly a humanly possible, but always made sure to stay in touch with the family still there. They’d already lost one member, that was harsh enough.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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The sentences are short and choppy, creating way too much stop and go. This breaks up the flow and will ware the reader out quickly. Look at running some of these together.
Definitely worth continuing with, but look at those sentences and watch the grammar. This will definitely need a good edit.
The only thing I didn’t care for was the bad boy boyfriend. There’s one in every story and has become so cliche.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked…this make sure you already have your ending..it’ll make writing this much easier. I’m not to sure who POV of Chapter 2 is from…is it also the same person who does Chapter 3? Thats the only problem I had with this. Overall you got me interested in the family over all.
BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, this is really powerful in it’s message. You have a good plot line started. You seldom hear about the other side of the story when someone is killed. The characters are very realistic and feeling. Someone you can feel for which will keep you reading. Kris is a well thought out person in his own right as the main character. You give good descriptions and tell the story as few people would, honestly. A good start to a story that begs to be told. Good luck, I hope to read more.
chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story, I think it has potential. With that said I have to say, it would be better if you didn’t address the reader, make it all about the characters and how they feel, act and react. You have some typos going on as well.
I think that if you do some editing and rewriting you will have a good piece of work. Keep going, like I said your story has potential.
YolandaRenee reviewed Version 1 -
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To list the obvious first is spelling and grammar. Something always taken care of in the re-write, and I’m sure you’re already aware of it. They mystery is clear. The characters need a bit more shaping, and it is a little choppy. You do have a talent and should contine to prusue it. My only suggestion is to describe the crime first, giving the characters definite body. Then move forward in time. Jumping back and forth can work and does for some authors, but going back to check out who you’re talking about, or get a clear description can make a reader stop reading. So I guess I’m telling you to keep writing, just work on the time line! Good Luck!
SeattleghostWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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jeremycage reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a lot of problems with basic spelling and punctuation errors. This is something that can be dealt with relatively easily, through practice and attention to detail. One of them fancy spell-checker programs might help, too. These errors distract from reading the story, which has a solid core surrounded by a lot of repetition and disorganization. Your basic idea is sound -- the sister went missing and it haunts the family -- and if you really thought carefully about which thoughts go in which order, you’d have a pretty workable beginning.
faydiablo reviewed Version 1 -
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The storyline is amazing, but you misspelled wonderful a few times, not to mention everything else. You also had some capitilazation issues. The plot, however, sounds awesome, and you do a great job describing you characters. I liked Lacey (sounded kind of like me with tattoos and anything other than my ears pierced- I do have the hair) Anyway, with spellcheck, this piece would be a whole lot better.
xsashaxpatriciax reviewed Version 1 -
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So this is basic? Does that mean I don’t need to mention grammar, more description??? If not then more description of the scenes. You need a reader who can fall into the world and not want to leave. Description will do this for you.
This is a good start. You have created enough intrigue to get me interested. Whether I would read on really depends. Keep on working on this. Try to encorporate as much fact as possible. For example look up police procedures, research information on people who go missing and how is the family generally left feeling. Yes answers may be obvious but make sure. When you know facts about your topic (abduction and then murder?) then you will feel more comfortable writing the topic. Your writing will benefit sounding stronger and believable.
Keep working, keep pushing forward.
Anyone tell you not to bother, don’t listen to them.
xsashaxpatriciax
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