Hollow shell hanging
gravity barely noticed
insect shedding skin
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I only have issue with L2
It strikes me jarring because it more an active statement more than the other two are. It requires an shift change in the reader from observing reflector to active participant.
Maybe the line should be changed to a less active observation? ie leaves floating in air?
hopes this helps.
barely…it doesn’t seem to fit.
I like “gravity” because of the double entendre.
also, there’s something very clinical about “insect”
Maybe commas to offset middle line and end period…you know I am the Punctuation Queen. lol.
Again, I realize you are beholden to the form.
I love the imagery with “hollow shell”. The only advice I have is since the rest f the haiku is talking about the skin that’s already been shed you might concider changing the last line to “shedded insect skin”
I love Haiku’s, I love the skill it takes to convey so much with so very very little. You’ve done a good job, just for people that may be a little slower, this may be confusing. We both know you were talking about a cocoon, and you’ve done a wonderful job on portraying that. It’s just a little…Hmm, what’s the word? Stunted. Even though Haiku’s are designed for that, it just left me feeling that other people might be confused. But I think you’ve done a beautiful job. Good work.
Well written for such a short style suits the typical japanese theme too, nature. The poem is about an insects cacoon its very clear bravo.
I think you have the truest-to-tradition Haikus (or is it the same plural?) in the English language. You observe the simplest things in nature, and expose their profundity. What’s more, you continue to merge science with art in a very pleasing manner.
This one I can actually relate to, having raised monarchs as a kid. I researched the hell out of them and found the stages of their lives fascinating. The drastic changes they go through, always with the materials nature provided them and nothing more than leaves to eat. When the caterpillars turned into their chrysalises, I couldn’t believe that pod was underneath. While this isn’t exactly what you’re tackling, that’s what it reminded me of, and I thank you for jogging my memory.
Once again you appear to defy the rules without actually doing so. Nine words that follow the rules: I love it. I’m not sure I should even review these anymore since I give you no real suggestions, but I want to let you know I appreciate your work.
I dunno. I guess the second line is a little jerky. “Barely” seems like a compromised word. Luckily there are plenty of two-syllable “-ly” words out there. I daren’t suggest which.
is this about butterflies and cacooning? very good.
For me this brought back memories at my father’s house in the summer. Wonderful haiku, opening up delicate memories from past times and current ones.
I gave you a ten for this haiku. I would like to see a title for this haiku because, I feel it’s deserving of one.
Very visual haiku and I really enjoyed this one.
Best wishes to you!
I like that the image becomes clear in the last line. Just how it should be, I think. Descriptive and compact, with no fillers. Nice.
this is really good. have you claimed the skin to be a ‘shell’ of sorts? i like the last line especially. it’s very sharp, sound wise, which kind of fitts with the sound of shedding skin itself. nice work.
8/10
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