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Poetry / The city hears nothing but the blues
1.
Somewhere downtown was a staple of conversation.
Every sentence started or ended with somewhere downtown.
Summer shows its face, shirts slowly lose sleeves
and the skirts, they sway to the movement of jazz music.
Heat hovers over you like a halo.
Left alone at night, I am with the blues,
the bay cat’s-paw slithers a shimmy
past the old cistern, gunning my bones and I shiver.
I got nothing left but living.
2.
In this town, everything is pavement.
A woman at a bus stop collects her hair
and holds it high the sweat shines
like honey on her neck.
Everyone is in heat.
the marrow wakes
in the pelvis, in the feet.
Somewhere downtown,
my shoes shuffle slow circles
on concrete stairs.
In my studio,
late at night,
the blues walks in.
He looks like Langston Hughes,
smokes cigarettes and
blows out the saddest music
you ever heard-
not pretty,
beautiful, terribly beautiful
like a nuclear explosion
or an old black dress
falling brown shoulders.
3.
When I’m with the blues,
city morning feet play the pavement
like piano keys and the music
of our movement wakes my center
and my muscles ache and swell.
I close my eyes, suitably stoned,
only so long can you be with the blues.
On the bus, crowed Monday morning,
my sadness is satiated by the girls
with the knack
for picking just the right skirts.
skirts that sway like horns
talking to each other,
in slow motion walk,
fabric dance with thigh,
My center is soused
from these small moments.
4.
I hear the chaos of hurried feet
when the bus door juts opens
with an ah, as if to say it’s old,
tired, run down, pooped.
I hear the hell of other peoples
conversations and I want to blast
a drum suite salute into each mouth
that isn’t living off this music.
There are so many
bandstands and bedrooms
for me to make noise,
still sometimes
I just want silence.
I just want sleep.
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brahmasong reviewed Version 1 -
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this is free verse yes?
i thought the images provoking and i got lost, as it were, in your city in the summer feeling rather bluesey myself!though it seems a bit protracted at times i realize it’s the numbered pieces.i think you should let each piece stand alone or, if you will,publish each piece separately! brevity and all that,you know?
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DaltonRagnarok reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, while I did enjoy your concept quite a bit here I also thought you had too much going on between each set of lines. For example when you broke them into seperations (1, 2, 3..) When I read through this I almost think these are seperate writings altogether. For a solid poem you need to stick with one point
Cherie reviewed Version 1 -
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This is remarkable. Great word pictures, especially “the bay cat’s paw slithers a shimmy” and “city morning feet play the pavement.” Just one suggestion: change the tense in your first two lines so the entire poem is in the present.
barnzie reviewed Version 1 -
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I could feel the warmth and heat of this poem as I read it. Which feels great on a snowy day like today. I love the jazzy, blues sound and the movement of the people. Honestly my favorite that I have read thus far. Langston would approve!
TheStormofWar reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutely love this type of poetry. I think your attempt was done well. I see a few things I could be improved.
Part 1, Stanza 1 could be shorted quite a bit and maintain the same umph. If I may:
“Somewhere downtown: a staple of conversation.
Every sentence started or ended with it.
Summer shows its face, shirts lose sleeves
and the skirts sway to the movement of jazz.”
Somewhere downtown doesn’t seem to work well as a repeater, and kind of bogs down the flow. The colon adds some slight eye candy. Slowly didn’t seem to be needed, and everyone should know Jazz is a type of music, so music wasn’t necessary either in line 4.
I don’t really see this problem in the rest of the piece.
Part 1, Stanza 2, line 3. Cat’s paws slither feels awkward. When one thinks of cats, usually they will think of stealth or stalking. Slither reminds me of snakes.
Part 2, Stanza 2, line 2. ”the” needs to be capitalized.
Minor suggestion from a content stand point. You make a reference to Jazz in part one, and seems to be dropped through the rest of the piece. Have you played with the idea of making them mingle in some way, perhaps in part 4? Blues and Jazz are intimately related in the American culture. Why not exploit that a bit?
You have some good wordplay, and this is a wonderful read. I think a minor revision and you have something really, really good.
kale reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really great poem, way above the cuff of most of the type of poetry on this site! Technically, this is a beautiful poem, great construction, excellent use of poetic devices and a really wonderful use of words. It’s slow and moody like the music it seeks to represent. My first opinion was to say it was too mellow, too abiant and lacking an arch of movement. However, I see it now as a reflection of the music as I’ve already said.
I especially like the hanging “not pretty”, a nice touch.
There are a few typos you might want to be aware of; “crowed monday…” perhaps crowded, “peoples” needs an apostrophe, etc. peoples’. Other than that, really really great piece. Two thumbs up!
crazynlove333 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this a lot. It sways and flows and conjures up an image in my mind of a city swept away by the analogy of a song. There are some things that I would improve though-”my center is soused” would be better stated “my center is aroused.” I’ve also noticed some issues with spaces scattered throughout the poem-I’m assuming this is just grammatical error though, and it doesn’t detract from the overall imagery that this piece conveys. Good job-I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the good work.
LoKiRha reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this piece! Is it supposed to be four parts? The sections didn’t seem like they needed numbering… To be honest, for a bit, I was thrown off with your use of comas and selective sentence structure; but after a couple paragraphs, I was so enthralled with your story and your amazing visuals that I couldn’t be bothered to care.
Thanks so much for sharing.
-LoKi
poetinmydreams reviewed Version 1 -
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Amazing word choice!!!!!! The imagery and personification is outstanding! It reminds me of when I was a kid, growing up in New Orleans. It is so amazing! It makes me miss home so much! You create an environment like only a few people can. Outstanding work!
Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
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You will DEFINATELY get published with this! This is an amazing piece; truly, you deserve entirely to dedicate this to Langston & Charles. I loved your choice of words, & the flow of this piece was so beautiful & easy-going, I could hear it singing—this feels like it should be read like a jazz piece of music in a smokey little dive somewhere, with saxes in the backround. “The City Hears Nothing But The Blues” is a classic example of great writing! I look very much forward to reading more of your work, & I wish you all the best with your craft. Once again, amazing, amazing piece. It inspired me, truly! _
~Lena17
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