Haiku/Senryu / 9/14/07

Comments: I am not a fan of Haikus, however this one I loved. I love how you have the image of life “sprouting” from death.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is, because everything needs a suggestion even though this is a perfect ten, is that your first line is a bit telling. The rest of the piece shows it. Perhaps you can find a more showing line.

Filler words – a, of, on, the.

But I can see an argument for keeping them.  The second line ends on a great word and image and then the third line twists me away from what I see in my mind. A very good and subtle effect.

But I would challenge you to try to improve this with using the syllable removal of these would give  you.

Good job!

There is very little to critique but i slighty like it. Im not really into the whole death thing and ect. But it works for this poem.

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April 16, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 21

at least you don’t slightly dislike it… I think.

April 17, 2009

by curlyq

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Haha I actuly, after just reviewing it now, think it makes a lot of sense and quite enjoy the horror you get from reading three short lines

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Post-apocalyptic Paris? Pot-smoking counter-revolters picking their last batch of Magic Mushrooms from the Fields of Fire before George Gump IX launches the deathbomb of end onto our doomed planet?

Nuclear attacks, accidental imaginings of a world devoid of wenchsluts and mentwats? Or perhaps these mushrooms are responsible for the new world… a safer place where mosses and fungi are the only threats?

What idealism you have! This grim vision of annihilation is in fact a hug-me portent of a cleansafe world of Mushroom Nirvana!

Wonderful, Deadsage! We will join the Mushroom Revolution once the bombs are dropped. Ready… FIRE!

Miki

very thoughtful…the circle of life is indeed such! :)

It was a powerful Haiku.  Very good analysis of life and death

I think perhaps you should change semblance to resemblance
This is really good i never understand how people manage these.
Keep up the good work!

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February 11, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 21

re-semblance just adds a lazy syllabol, but thanks for the review.

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I can translate this into metaphor, in many ways…politics, parasitic relationships…or hope. It sparks my imagination, which can’t be bad. It’s a nice image, too…I can smell the rot and earthy scent of the shroom.

This is great haiku… liked.

Very good – in a disturbing way.  You could make it a touch less morbid if you used fallen in place of the dead. But – excellent, nonetheless.

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February 18, 2008

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 21

When I originally wrote it, it was far more morbid.  

However, I don’t think “fallen decomposing earth” sounds as good as “dead decomposing earth” It is important for the life/death theme.

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