Poetry / Cracked And Torn

As I read this through a few times I wonder if it is a Rap?  But I feel it is lacking some of the strong rhythmic elements associated with really great rhyme.  There seems to be either incorrect grammar or slang…

“Another excuse, that what you need?”
“Out the back of my throat”  and although this piece sounds tough these phrases stick out like sore thumbs.  I would either correct or toughen up the stanzas through out.

I think the overall message gets lost because of too many words.  It almost reads like a first draft.  We are all guilty of it, committing to paper the virginal words that wash over our psyche.  There are spots where the flow is just off and it makes for difficult reading.  The second chorus chould easily be remedied just buy moving some of your words down one line.

This poem would benefit from some connecting words—since it’s a song, you have more freedom with the meter to make things flow better. Right now it reads more like a jumble of thoughts than a coherent expression. Also ‘solking’ should be ‘sulking’.

I selected what I think are your best lines. I can only see bitterness & delusion here. Whatever motivated you to write these lines you have certainly caught the feeling. ‘Coldly put this blade into the back of my throat choking on your pity.’ There is the sense here that enough is enough & that there is nowhere to go from here for whatever reason. ‘The next turn I take will surely show. A feeling your perfect body has never seen. This pain I’ll bring to you.’ It isn’t clear what pain & that is part of the mystery. This poem would probably convert quite easily into a song lyric. A sad bluesy song.

I Wonder why this is put under poetry because this would make a far better song than anything. The authour was really mad at someone. I wish there was a little back story note somewhere. The more I read this poem/ song the more I want to know about this author. I love the voilent undertones of hatred that they have for whoever this is about I would recommend this to someone who is very angry or hurt with someone I know it took a lot of my angry out reading this. And I want some muisc put to this to. And hopefully it would have an awesome guitar riff.

This poem (lyrics) moved me to tears.  I’m not sure if that was your intent, but for me, it brought back so many memories of me and losing someone that tried to help until they could no longer do it.  Your work has good flow and very clearly has a story line.  I noticed a two minor spelling errors that definitely do not detract from the flow or the meaning but you might want to edit if you see fit.  Line #3 anothe, should that have an r at the end ?  Also…”solking in the corner”, do mean sulking ?  I was unable to find a definition for solking so in the context you used it I assumed you meant sulking.  You write with passion and emotion.  Thanks for sharing your wonderful work !!

This may be old-fashioned, but I think I would like it better if it rhymed. But then again it’s lyrics to a song I guess, so the music could make all the difference. I like the image of pity as a blade in the throat. Comes pretty close to what it feels like when you choke up with tears. I can’t really say I understand what happened in that relationship, but maybe that isn’t the point of these lyrics. The pain the relationship brought definitely drips from every word.

Your poem is nicely put together. Check your spelling, make sure the words are correct in use and meaning. Otherwise, great poem. This is NOT intended as bad critisim, only critique.

For starters, you might have wanted to put this in the lyrics category instead of the poetry category. You might get better reviews and in a better quantity.

Other than that minor error, it’s good. There’s a bit of hope and then it’s kind of dashed by a sense of suspense, horror, mistrust, and depression. I do like it, though. It’s very well written and put together. I can’t really see a tune going to it, though, so you might want to work on it some more to actually accomplish it as lyrics.

It should be interesting to hear this put to music, as it is better qualified as lyrics than poetry, given the presence of a chorus. Given the level of hurt, anger, and cold spite suggested by these lyrics, I think your best options are Linkin Park, Nickelback, and 3 Days Grace, if/when you decide to get this recorded as a song. Yes, for the most part, I like all three of those bands. :) Best of luck to you and keep up the good work. —Mandy

Typo: “Don’t need to give anothe explanation”—“another”
Typo: “Finds you solking in a corner alone”—“sulking”?