Poetry / Frozen in Time

It flowed well .I was able to connect with your feelings you were trying to express.Not overwelming with power .But is strong .Good job !

The word usage is decent but it contains no new insights into this very universal idea. It did however remind me of Bob Seger. Poetry is so personal, I don’t know why anyone would expose it on here.

All 10s.  This provokes a powerful need in me…a need to give you hope.

The free verse isn’t minded at all.  :]
I believe you mean “Even the ones who are drunkards” or “Even the drunkards” in line 5.  The younger then, older now reminds me of something I’ve read before, though I can’t place my finger on it.  I don’t understand the last line.  Perhaps a word is missing?  I really like the ideas in the poem, perhaps with some tightening and a bit of rewording it can be great.  

I really liked the imagery of the break of dawn here, it was really well played out and definitely a nice take on the thoughts one has as he ponders life and the dreams he had and now has. Im still young so still dreaming, interesting to see how life turns out. I particularly liked the last line of the poem “and i in it” it really summarised the whole direction of the poem, and everything you were trying to say came together well. Thanks  for sharing.

How to deal with disillusionment with life as you approach middle age . . .?
Time to grow up maybe and face reality without letting go of our dreams, without compromising our lives, perhaps that’s the predicament? Engage the status quo without compromising, is that possible?

not sure if this piece is ready for print
I’m at a loss with these lines, for instance . . maybe it’s me but:
“Even the ones who drunkards
Are known for something”

A good “hook” at the end, but methinks overall not up with the best.

Your message was clear and style off the cuff. I enjoyed this piece. I found it interesting that you’re speaking of being frozen in time, while others who are twice your age write about the need to hold on to time as it sprints away from them.

I would ensure you’re capitalizing consistently across the board, and it appears as if you meant to say “were drunkards,” but other than that, no thoughts of how to improve this piece. It was bit on the simple side, but pleasant simple and nice to read.

-LoKi

My first comment is that you should likely limit yourself to a few goals on a given piece. I often hit the “back” key when I see a long list of goals as it is annoying to have to apply a score to each one—especially when they’re redundant.

I can connect with the idea of this piece. I’m in the same age bracket and this is definitely the time that such sentiments begin to creep up on you. It is the “what have I done with my life?” syndrome.

A few comments/suggestions:

1) Remove “a bit” from the third line. It hurts the flow and isn’t necessary.

2) There are several lines in the piece that feel generic, or too abstract -

“I used to laugh at life” doesn’t hold a lot of meaning for a reader.

“Used to stare…endless dreams” is the same way. It isn’t telling the reader anything, making them feel, or think. It feels cliché.

In all honesty, the entire second stanza is pretty much the same. It should likely be removed or re-worked to hold specific meaning and/or ideas for the reader. It is too ethereal as it stands.

3) the repetition of “that hope”, and the word “that” in general, kills the last stanza. I’d suggest:

“No longer able to cling to the hope
that one has in youth”

or something similar.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

This was good. I felt the begging was a little rough then the poem really came into it’s own. I like topics you have in it as well…life.