Poetry / i slept on your mother's kitchen floor

i slept on your mother’s kitchen floor and watched the rats race by.
i once smudged my lipstick to look like a princess.
i remember being little and the old man who made me this way.
i forgot to be fake, and tried to fly away.

i left a stain on your perfect white sheets.
i spilt coffee on your grandmothers grave.
i learnt to swim in a stolen bathtub.
i danced to your old time records

i once forgot your birthday.
she made love in your closet.
we ate melted chocolate.
i fell into your backyard drain.

we smoked till we were dying.
we drank to stop from crying.
i looked at you in the eyes.
we both forgot why.

i moved to alaska.
you came to visit once.
we bought an old school camera
i learnt the price of fame.

we wrote an old lady letters
we posted them from mars
i asked you serious questions
we painted from clear glass jars

i ate all your insides.
you smiled like you meant it.
we both forgot to breathe.
we lost all our cigarettes.

we had a bonfire in summer.
we sunbaked in winter.
we smoked too much.
we did too little.

you ate my life away.
i let you.
you forgot my birthday.
i slept on your mother’s kitchen floor and watched the rats race by

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Reviews

December 01, 2008

jadedpoet

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
353	77.3% (75 votes)	26.0%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	M	Norcross, GA	November 18

jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Hi there,

Once I began reading this piece I found myself sucked it. So original, like a bittersweet piece of art, profound and simple at the same time! Holy cow, girl this is fabulous! Killed me again. me…

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September 20, 2007

jebozid

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
655	96.7% (429 votes)	23.7%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	Croatia	November 21

jebozid reviewed Version 2 - Read 100%% of the Item

While I liked a lot almost every single line (they’re fun, full of imagery and craziness) it all seems to lack consistency in story. I mean one line and the next sometimes have nothing in common.
“she made love in your closet.” – where did SHE come into the picture?? We have ‘I’ and ‘we’, this breaks the flow.
I suggest you try to learn and read as much of poetry as you can, I see you have tremendous talent, which would be able to produce extraordinary poetry with some skill and tools of trade.
Thanx for sharing, I really enjoyed this. And don’t you dare stop writing ;)