Thank you. So few reviewers recognize traditional forms these days. I love the challenge and I appreciate your appreciation.
Poetry / You've Taken it upon Yourself...
You’ve taken it upon yourself to die,
For a passionless life is none at all,
And everyone who knows you asks you why.
Do you decide to fail before you try,
Ignoring the sweet dreams your heart hears call?
You’ve taken it upon yourself to die.
None too quickly creeps close the day you’ll lie
Down into the ground with your final fall
When everyone who knows you asks you why.
In unison the world will hear the cry
Of all who would have loved you better bawl;
“Why’d you take it upon yourself to die?”
Today you’ll rend those loving hearts awry.
Your lovers and your friends you’ll hurt them all.
And every one who knows you asks you why.
Some lock their love away and some will pry
Open Pandora’s box to hope withal.
You’ve taken it upon yourself to die
And everyone who knows you asks you why.
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donyavangogh reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent form… I loved reading this, then re-reading this, then only reading each line’s last word! Your genius in this Villanelle is so evident. You don’t miss a beat and you seem to have captured so well the subject’s fear to live life. My favorite line if I must pick one is: “Ignoring the sweet dreams your heart hears call?” Actually I seem to like them all as I could relate to the subject.
I once had a period where I chose to die day after day due to many past and present issues coming to a head. Paralyzed with fear of failing to the point becoming a watcher and a hider. Easier that way, at least until that final time comes where wasted time meets regret.
As for your profound Villanelle, I wonder if the person saying, “You took it upon yourself to die.” is really trying to convince himself that he had no part in extinguishing the subject’s zeal for life. This is just a ponderance that is most likely inaccurate, however; the fun of poetry and art is the use of open interpretation, is it not?
Overall? excellent form w/o missing a beat! When spoken out loud this poem pleases the ear. The content is masterfully written to capture a profound state of the human mind’s capability to let go of life itself while still existing. All in all I am amazed how you’ve taken this complex subject and placed each word in it’s perfect place. Sheer genius! ...And I’m not blowing smoke up your _ _ _ either!
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Trenchtownrock reviewed Version 1 -
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Totally enjoyed this, though the beat can be improved. Loved the contrasts: the harshness of death against a drawn out idle existence, a passionless life against the potential of that life as it is implied by the hordes of onlookers wanting to know why this person won’t be more. It communicates the main ingredient of living, which is passion!
One thing: the subject matter is typical. You have to work harder to express yourself originally.
ScotsmensQuill reviewed Version 1 -
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Don’t we all choose to die at somepoint in life. By some sort of death, be it a killing of pride, a sacrifice made for another or for a cause. A devotion of one’s life to something; we die as we grow. Overall, I’d say that your subject matter is intriguing and the piece flows pretty evenly. Nicely done.
mfrost reviewed Version 1 -
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Bravo So few poets even attempt traditional forms today…and here you’ve handled the Villanelle like a Master. I’ve tried this form myself and envy your skill. But I will not let my sin interfere with my enjoyment of your success. Bravo!
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Bravo for attempting a difficult form. The final couplet this is built around is well-designed. Second stanza, 2nd line: “your heart hears call” is a little unclear. In the fourth stanza, last line: keep the quotes, but don’t change the actual line. The question form simply doesn’t flow as well. The first half of your last stanza is the most troublesome spot. The rhythm falters from the 1st to 2nd line. Really all you need here is some polishing – you already have the gem. Well done!
bluejam reviewed Version 1 -
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Thoughtful and pointed. This topic can get melodramatic – why oh why did you cry then die oh why ;-) You avoided this by holding to the facts. Well done.
unspokensecrets reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice message behind the poem.
A few things:
The rhyme scheme changes in the last stanza. I’m not sure if you wanted that there for diversity or if you just didn’t want to change it but I find things more effective when they follow the rhyme scheme throughout the rest of the poem, OR if you must change it, end with something unexpected that will leave the reader thinking, “where did that come from?” I love those kinds of endings.
Also,
I don’t know if I would use the same rhyming sound in every stanza. E.G. Cry, die, pry, why, awry, etc. It tends to be a little repetitive and I found myself reverting to other parts of the poem so I wasn’t concentrating on the part I was supposed to be reading.
Overall,
nice work. keep it up!
Leichstein reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the rhyme scheme up until the last stanza, where you broke it. It’s also a bit repetitive. Everyone asks why, and everyone asks you why, and guess what? everyone you know asks why!
kritzic reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this but the line “do you decide to fail before you try?” takes a little bit away from the premise of the poem. I would try to change that line.
FoliageRed reviewed Version 1 -
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Good Evening. I enjoyed reading your poem, “You’ve Taken it upon Yourself…”
What I really liked about it was the way you used the repetition of: “You’ve taken it upon yourself to die” and “And everyone who knows you asks you why.” I thought this was a very good structure.
The body of the poem however does no work for me in the way I am sure you intend as these are all very common thoughts. Thoughts are not poetry. Imagery is poetry.
Try to take some of your thoughts and turn them into something a reader can, ‘see’
“None too quickly creeps close the day you’ll lie
Down into the ground with your final fall” While this is a common thought, we can all relate and ‘see’ what you’re talking about here. Understand what I mean?
“Do you decide to fail before you try,
Ignoring the sweet dreams your heart hears call?” With this, the first line is all right as it’s in keeping with the style you are using. The second line needs a visual as you’ve done as I pointed out above.
Keep writing and I will keep reading!
—Mary Louise
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