Wine & Tears
Ch 16
“How many men are there?” Sandik took charge, snapping out the question.
The newcomer, Kal, responded to the authority in the soldier’s voice. “Don’t know. I seed mebbe 7, but I thinks there’s more. Not many more, but.”
“Tell us everything you can.”
“I were coming back from th’ privy when I heared ‘orses, an’ hid. They rid up, an’ broke apart, sending some up ‘round th’ back, so’s they cud see ‘twixt th’ houses. Then one stopped wid th’ ‘orses, and four o’ em went busting down San’s window, coz ‘is door wuz barred. There’s some noise and a awful scream, and one th’ fellows comes out th’ door with ‘is Mari, with Rana cryin’ and weeping and ‘e ‘ad blood on th’ sword. ‘E passed Mari to th’ other fellows and they’s laughin’ an’ grabbin’ at ‘er and teared ‘er li’ne an’ tied ‘er up wi’ ‘er boobies ‘angin’ out. Then th’ other lot o’ ‘em come outta th’ house wi’ a sack o’ stuff they tooked, then th’ bunch’a bully-boys went to Ark’s ‘ouse an’ started bustin’ in ‘is winda’. That’s when I come up ‘ere, coz you’re furthest away an’ Ran an’ Mic is two strong men, an’ ‘r learned, an’ your Mara cud get off to the woods with th’ babes. Beggin’ yer pardon Sanda, I don’t think they care ‘bout th’ old uns. But she better go now.”
Sandik took a second to untangle the confusion in the man’s speech, then turned to Sanda. “I think he’s right about getting the women out. Kami and Mara should get the children and go now. Sanda, do you want to go with them? You might get hurt in a fight.”
Mic didn’t wait for her answer. The old farmer grasped her forearms and looked into her eyes. “Dear heart, I know you’re brave, but I’ll feel better in a fight knowing you’re away. These young lasses will need a level head. There’s nothing for you to do here. If these raiders get into the house, you won’t stop them, even with a heart like a lion.”
At this, Sanda nodded, sadness taking possession of her face. “I’ll go get Mara. But Mic, you be careful. And you get as many men as you can. Ev is good in a fight, and young Shan, and if you’re quick, you’ll get to them before the raiders get to this side of village.” She seemed to gain determination, and left to climb the ladder.
Sandik turned back to the men “How many houses are there here?”
It was Mic who answered. His eyes were sharp in spite of the worry in his lined face, and he seemed to have enough ability to think clearly that Sandik wondered if the older farmer had had some military training.
“There’s twelve houses, seven on this side and five opposite. Most have barns and outbuildings, and there’s two big village woodsheds, one for timber and one for firewood. Those are on the other side of the road. 15 men who could fight, though it sounds like San and Ark, and probably his son Andin, might already be dead or captured. That would leave another nine.”
“Who all has experience in warfare?”
“Only old Onis, and he’d have trouble lifting a sword, with his joint-pains. For the rest, it’s just brawling, though Kin thinks well of himself, and is good in a stoush. But we don’t really have nowt in the way of weapons. Onis has an old sword, but it’s rusty as.”
“What you had when I came in is good. A pick-handle is a good club, light and strong, but able to give a good thump. You’re better off with something you feel comfortable using, instead of a sword and no training. Mostly we’ll have to improvise. That sickle is good. Use it like a club and the tip will go through armour.”
Ran pointed to the long curve of Tam’s sword, where it had been placed behind Sandik’s pack. “What about that one? You have two.”
Sandik paused, feeling uncomfortable, but going with his instinct. “No. I’ll be using both swords. A sword is something you really do need training with.” He saw Ran starting to go red again, and cut through the beginning of the argument the young man wanted to have. He used a tone that used to chill him when he heard it from his drillmaster. “Ran, you saw how easily I tipped you up. Believe me, you’ll do better with things you’re used to.”
Without giving Ran the space to reply, he turned to Mic and the stranger. “We have a number of trained enemies, and they count on people being isolated in their houses. That’s the first thing to change. We’ll need to get as many men out and working together as we can, so we can use our advantage in numbers.”
The descent of Sanda and Mara, each carrying a child, came as he finished speaking. Turning to the women he asked, “Are you ready? Good shoes, and a blanket and waterbag each. Get some food, and then you’ll need to go.”
Sanda handed Kami the wriggling young girl, and moved back to the larder. Sandik, opened the heavy window shutter a crack. His voice was sudden, soft and vehement. “Damn!”
He gestured to Mic, and the older man bent, looking through the crack with his head below Sandik’s. The farmer exclaimed, “That’s Jena! She’s from the up on the other side. Those bastards.”
Sandik watched as the frightened young woman dashed down the packed-earth road, a dozen paces in front of a pursuing soldier. She darted into the barn, followed by the Natin, and then a second soldier. Sandik heard a scream, followed by a few breaths later by raucous male laughter.
He kept his eye pressed to the crack, but spoke, his voice like flint, “They’ve split up, a team to break into houses, guard for the horses and women, and watchers to make sure no-one escapes. This may be a good thing. Those men will take the girl back as a prisoner, and there will be fewer watchers for a moment. That’s when we’ll leave. If it’s safe, Mara and Sanda can get away with the children. But we’ll have to take care of the watchers before we can get the other men.” He paused. “Kami, are you willing to be bait?”
Kamesh, holding Mani who had her arms wrapped around his neck, legs around his waist, nodded, then realising Sandik was watching the scene outside, said, “Yes. What do I need to do?”
“I want you to sneak up behind the other houses, then run down here to the barn like you’re escaping. Is there another way into the barn?” This question was directed to Mic, though an answer from any of the farmers would do.
It was Kal who answered. “Yar. They’s a winder what’s easy ta open, just got a wooden swivel. It’s on th’ back o’ a stall, at th’ back.”
Deciphering the second “back” as meaning the side of the barn opposite the door, Sandik lowered his voice, as he watched the Natin soldiers pull the struggling girl, dress torn at the shoulder, out the barn door. “We’ll head around the barn, through the window, and figure out the best plan when we see the layout. Kami, you head around the houses, so you can come through part-way up the street. Be careful, and give us a little time. They’re nearly far enough away. We’ll have to go now. We only have a moment.”
Closing the shutter and replacing the bar, he turned, taking Tam’s sword, and started to unbar the door.
Sandik stood deep in the shadow of the barn, looking out through the open door onto the little road, breathing the dusty sweetness of hay, and heavy scent of cow-droppings. The sinking moon, just over a quarter full, cast long shadows. He could see three guards. The two who had taken the girl were back, up near the other end of the village. The other stood much nearer the barn.
Hoping his plan would work, he worried that Kami would come out between the Natin soldiers and be trapped. Everything depended on this. Sanda had insisted on staying to fight, claiming she could swing an axe as well as any man, and refusing to leave Mic. Mara had stayed in the house, barring it, saying she’d be safer there than trying alone to get the children over the barren plain to the forest.
Suddenly, he caught a flash as Kami burst into the street. She was running, long braids behind her, with the single Natin between herself and the barn. As the man moved to cut her off, she zigged across the road, looking for a moment like she would run between the houses on the other side, then zagged back to the centre. The other two let out a shout, as if this was all good sport, a bit of excitement to add flavour to their raid, starting after her as well.
As she neared the centre of the road, the Natin angled back to intercept, spreading his arms wide. She dove beneath his right arm, hands breaking her fall, turning it into a somersault and rolling back up to her feet while the Natin turned. Then she was running, the soldier just behind. Sandik could see her fear, the extra effort of speed she piled on as she made for the door, pelting into the darkened building. She slid a little on the straw as she dodged to one side, the Natin a couple steps behind. She was heading straight for Sandik, keeping between him and her pursuer, so that when she finally rolled to one side, her pursuer impaled himself as Sandik thrust.
Death did not stop the man’s headlong rush, and he fell forward, crashing into Sandik even as the swordsman tried to step sideways and avoid the collision. Sandik kept his feet, but only by letting his sword go. He reached for the hilt of Tam’s sword, where he had fastened it to his sword-belt. He drew it as the other two Natin ran in, pulling their own weapons from their scabbards.
Everything went perfectly. He watched as Ran stepped from one side of the door, swinging the scythe, smiling with satisfaction as it hit the first soldier mid-calf. The momentum of the long blade sheered through one leg, pounding up against the bone in the other, knocking him forward. As the Natin fell, Kal was already swinging an axe, burying its head in soldier’s spine.
The second Natin was a step and a half behind and to the left of his partner. Seeing his fellow going down, he turned to face Ran, only to have Mic slam the sickle point-first into his back. When the farmer twisted it sideways, the Natin went down, while Sanda stepped up and hit him in the head with the small sledge used for shoeing horses.
Sandik re-sheathed Tam’s sword and smiled grimly. “Now that’s strategy and coordinated action.”
Checking that no-one was hurt, he retrieved his own sword. “That was wonderful. Now, if you each take a weapon you can use easily, we need to start getting other village men to help us.” Watching Ran reach for the Natin’s sword, he warned again “Ran, you don’t know how to use that, and the men you’re fighting are trained to defend against swords. Take it if you must, but you really are more effective with something you’re familiar with. Look at how well you did with that scythe.”
“You keep your own swords if you want, soldier-boy, but you can’t stop me from using one. I don’t think they’re as tricky as you make out.”
“Fine. We need to move. I think we got all the watchers, but be careful and watch for Natin guarding the horses and girls, and for the band that break into the houses. They’ll be out again any time, and if they notice their guards are gone, we’ll lose surprise. So, Mic and Sanda, you take the nearest house, Ran and Kal, you take the next, and Kami can go with me. Be careful, don’t take chances. Make sure anyone coming to fight has a weapon they can use.
Ran had been collecting swords and knives from the other Natin. Looking defiant, he passed a dagger to his mother, who accepted it.
“I’m fine,” Kamesh refused an offered knife, pointing to the curved one at his waist.
They split up, each heading up the road toward the closest houses. Kal went to the first house on the left, Mic and Sanda to the right, and Ran walked with Kami and Sandik to the second house. The young farmer begin knocking softly, calling through the door, while Sandik and Kami moved towards the third house, passing the two big woodsheds, the sweet smell of timber and sawdust coming from the first.
The swordsman turned and touched the dancer’s arm. “Thank you, Kami. You took the most dangerous part. You’re very brave, you know.” Even looking into the dancer’s eyes, he could still see the moment his bright smile flashed. Inappropriate as the thought might be, and in spite of a smear of dirt across the dancer’s cheekbone, his beauty warmed and touched the soldier.
The smile lingered as Kami replied, “Only because you’re a good planner. Let’s go. We’ll congratulate ourselves after we’re all safe.” Kamesh turned and knocked at the door of the next house.
Speaking in a soft but penetrating contralto, he called, “Onis! Quick, open the door. We killed the Natin guard, and we can get the rest, but only if we all work together.”
“Who’s this? I don’t know you.” The voice sounded old, a little querulous. This was the house of the former soldier.
“I’m Kami, you don’t know me. You’re Onis, right? We were with Mic and Sanda, they’re getting the other villagers. Quick, let us in before the Natin see us.”
Sandik heard the sound of the bars, and at the same time, heard a shout behind him. Looking back, he saw the house-raiding gang start towards him at a run. He didn’t wait, and as soon as the door opened a crack, he kicked hard, knocking the owner over, and pushed Kami inside. He followed himself, turning to close the door as a sword pushed through the crack. Realising he wouldn’t be able to stop their entry, he stepped back, glancing around as he drew his blade.
The four Natin piled in, one grabbing at Kamesh as she dodged to the side. Trying to avoid his grasp, the dancer tripped over a chair, half-sprawling, half-rolling, as he tried to avoid furniture and land in the space between bed, table, and the small, stooped, startled, grey-haired woman who was standing by the stove. The door had been kicked wide, doing further damage to the grizzled old man lying behind it. Another Natin glanced down, kicked at the rusty sword the old soldier held, yanking it from his hand and throwing it in the corner with a, “That’ll do, grandpa.”
Sandik moved to the clearest area of the room, the place where he would have greatest freedom of movement, and lifted his sword to block a ferocious overhand swing by the lead Natin. The heavier Natin sword came down on his and he heard a crack, lifting his knife in time to deflect the sword, stepping behind the Natin’s arm and turning his sword-hilt, using it as a hammer against the side of the man’s head, following that with a killing thrust of his long defensive dagger.
Backing away, he pulled his knife free, and dropped the fragment of his sword, reaching down to draw the long Nichen blade he carried. He felt a real thrill of fear, something he had learned to suppress in favour of controlled adrenaline through his years of training. The weakness in his sword had finally given way at the heavy blow, snapping, leaving only a foot beyond the hilt. While Tam’s sword was a far superior blade, it was shaped differently; broader, heavier, sharpened only on one side, curved instead of straight. In the hand of someone like Tam, it was deadly and beautiful, but he had no training, and his instincts led him to use it awkwardly. And this was a fight where he had room for error.
He watched as two of the Natin moved into the clearing, while the third sheathed his sword and made for Kamesh with only a knife, intent on capture, not killing. Kami was getting to her feet, crouching as the soldier reached towards her, making a grab for her long hair. The Natin was holding his knife low in his right hand, reaching with his left. The dancer grabbed his reaching wrist with her left hand and pulled, stepping to his side and putting her right hand to his elbow, pushing, using his arm like a lever. He moved forward and down, trying to escape the pressure, but as he did Kami kept pressing. His arm moved further sideways, and then behind him, driving him to the ground. Kami put a foot on his shoulder, and after a long fumble, the old crone grabbed a heavy iron skillet and thumped him hard in the head.
The Natin nearest Sandik used the distraction as a chance to thrust, and the swordsman was suddenly fighting for his life, trying to parry with the Nichen sword in the way he was taught. It was horribly awkward. He felt as vulnerable as a cadet, and only managed to beat the man off because his technique with the main-gauche was still effective. Stepping back, he realised he was starting to lose the advantage of space, as the two Natin moved into the clearing.
He moved into a defensive guard position, when he heard Kami’s voice. “Sandik, remember how Tam used it. Back. Take it back.”
The memory flashed through his mind. Tam standing in pre-dawn light, both hands on the hilt, held diagonally back, tip almost on the ground. He remembered the fluid movement, the flash of the blade in it’s deadly arc. He weighed going with his training, and decided it would trip him up again. Sending a little wordless prayer to Shallin, God of Courage, he sheathed his knife and took the sword two-handed. Sweeping it back to the position Tam had used, keeping his centre of gravity low, he felt terribly exposed, unguarded, and yet the position felt somehow right. He took a deep breath and tried to will himself to calm.
The Natin smiled, obviously also thinking he was exposed. There was still not quite enough room for them to attack side-by-side, so the one on the right was a little forward of his companion. As he attacked, Sandik straightened his arms, force in the right arm, his left hand becoming a fulcrum, using his wrists to swing the sword. The movement felt sweet, like a perfect thrust, but curved; he could sense how fast, how powerful, this movement was. The blade arced over and down, a long diagonal slash through the Natin’s neck, from just below his ear straight down towards his armpit. He felt the blade cleave neck-armour, flesh, the bones of the chest on it’s way out to slice through the upper arm. The blade had slowed enough to jar when it hit arm-bone, but the real damage was apparent with the fountain of blood that pulsed up from the ravaged throat.
Sandik was being covered with gore, but had the presence of mind to see the shock on the face of his last opponent and to step in and thrust, still two-handed, through his enemy’s heart.
It was over. He withdrew his sword, looking towards Kamesh, but his sight was caught by the incongruous vision of the granny’s feral toothless grin, as she stood still holding her fry-pan. He couldn’t help his laugh.
He knew they had defeated most of the Natin. Weariness was making him a little numb, but knowing it wasn’t finished, Sandik stepped outside. The street was quiet, and he re-entered to find Kamesh and the old woman helping Onis to his feet. “I’ll find the others. It’s almost over.”
He darted across the road, moving cautiously between the rough mud-brick cottages to take a careful look around the building’s edge. The horses were still in a group, nervously side-stepping with an occasional whicker, but he spied Mic and several villagers embracing the girls, covering them with blankets.
As he stepped out and made his way over, Kal saw him and ran up. “Oh, soldier. I got th’ last bastid. I got ‘im wi’ m’ bow. ‘e ‘uz all nervous an’ feared, and gettin’ up on ‘is ‘orse an’ I shot ‘im since ‘e made such a good targit. ‘E started ridin’ off but Ev come runnin’ out wavin’ a sword an’ th’ bugger turned an’ I shot ‘im agin an’ then ‘e falled off ‘is ‘orse, but not all th’ way off an’ th’ ‘orse she pulled ‘im along bouncin’. I think ‘e’s dead, but anyways ‘e’s gone an’ good riddance.”
Sandik smiled at the flow of words. “Yes Kal, I think if he wasn’t dead when he hit ground, being dragged will kill him soon enough. So, the villagers beat the army. You’re all heroes!” Sandik was saying this as he came up to the gathering.
He found the next hour exhausting. Kami and most of the others in the village joined the crowd as events were recounted. Three men had been killed, two wounded, one girl raped, but that was the extent of the village’s losses. On the other hand, they’d killed eight Natin soldiers. The Natin had brought 12 horses, four extra for captives on what was clearly a raid for women. One horse had escaped, dragging his rider, and Sandik made clear it would probably be found by the Natin army, and questions asked. The townspeople would need to hide in the forest until the Natin had gone.
Sandik made much of Ran’s role when he gave his account, trying to reinforce the fact that the villagers could defend themselves if they worked together, especially if they got some lessons from old Onis.
After the story-telling wound down, the older farmer, his arm around Sanda, took Sandik aside. “I know you’ve not told all, especially concerning my son. I thank you for leaving him his pride, and for speaking as if his role was more than it was. It will make him feel less a fool.”
Smiling, Sandik patted his shoulder. “He is brave enough, but then so are you… and Sanda swings a mean hammer. I would have made more of you both, but I thought Ran needed it, and you do not. But I know.”
Sanda said, “It’s for that we thank you. Ran is a good boy, but feels hard done by. He thinks the farm should be his and Mara’s, and we should just be grannie and gramps. This will give him some pride, and make his way easier. And maybe with the loss of other men, the young’uns can have their own farms, not that we’d have it through death if it could be avoided.”
“Thank you both for your help and strength. Now, talking of circumstance, there’s something I need to ask for, and it will help if you speak for me. We’ll finish the letter about the village horses, and you might get recompense, but in the meanwhile there are several good horses here. I’d like to claim four. A mount for me, one for Kami, and a spare horse for each so we can push along and switch when the horses tire. The other seven and their tack can go to replace the horses you’ve lost. Do you think the others will let us have them?”
Mic stroked his stubble with a doubtful expression, then seeing Sandik’s concern, broke into a grin. “Only joking, there’s nowt to think about. We’ll speak for you, and God help any who argue… Sanda would kill them.”
She looked offended, then beamed as the older farmer laughed. “Well, and I would, too. No, you’ll have your horses now, or they’ll answer to me.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Kami’s flight from the soldiers was well done. Rather than using a simple straight line from one building to another, you worked little details into her flight, like a zig-zag from one side of the road to the other and her diving under a soldier’s out-stretched arm just to roll and come back up running. For me, there were several high points and low points, but none that I would suggest changing b/c that’s true for any book. I suspect that Ran is going to regret his foolish pride eventually. You also did a good job on dialog; it can’t be an easy task to realistically scramble a person’s speech like you did with Kal’s. Too, everyone’s speech and behavior was consistent with their characters and, thus, very believable. Sandik was very professional in his strong recommendations that Ran stick with weapon’s that he’s familiar with. Grammatically, it would be a good idea for you to read this chapter, sentence by sentence, to discern where words have been left out and where phrasing has been changed incompletely, as well as use of verb tenses. The following are just those that jumped out at me. Keep up the good work. —Mandy
Sandik, opened the heavy window shutter a crack. —no comma
He gestured to Mic, and the older man…—no comma
...followed by a few breaths later by raucous male laughter. —followed a few…
He followed himself,.... —needs either a comma before “himself” or “himself” needs to be taken out. (recommend the second)
And this was a fight where he had room for error. —given context, did you mean to say that it wasn’t a fight where he had room for error?
This is my first reading of this story, so I will refrain from asking any questions that should have been answered in previous chapters. As I do with all novel entries, I’m going to read and correct as I go. In an effort to cut down on using your own words, I’ll only copy/paste a small portion. You may have to Ctrl+F to find the reference.
My first impressions are that the depth you delved in describing simple things – such as the village woodsheds being used for firewood and timber – give the story believability.
The cockney-ish accented villager was a fun one to twist my “ears” around, and would likely be easier if I’d been reading the dialect for a previous 15 chapters. It definitely gives him the uneducated or “back woods” feel that I think you’re going for.
Your characters seem to cut each other off quite a bit: “Onis has an old sword, but it’s rusty as.” It could be the way they speak – and if so, I apologize for the correction – but if you were to put a dash, or something equivalent, it would make it a bit smoother: “rusty as…” or “rusty as-“
“… a good club, light and strong, but able to give a good thump.”
I think you should have written, “AND able…” since you’re not clashing ideas. Maybe you could even write, “…club – light, strong, and able to…”
Just below that, I would put a comma after “Mostly.”
I would use a differing preposition in this sentence, “the beginning of the argument the young man.”
“She’s from the up on the other side.” I didn’t recognize the accent in this, but if you read it, it’s not normal. Is this the same speaker as your opening monologue? If so, would “bastards,” or any other word by slightly changed to show accent?
This read oddly: “…scream, followed by a few breaths later by raucous…” You used “followed by” in the previous sentence, and I think you may have just gotten a bit mixed up in this sentence anyway. I would shorten it a bit. Perhaps, “…scream and, a few breaths later, raucous…”
The sentence starting with, “They’ve split up,” is very complicated. Maybe a dash or colon followed by a list, which uses semicolons instead of commas, would make it easier to read that there are now at least three groups? (There ARE at least three, right?)
“…replacing the bar… and started to unbar the door.” You often use the same word (or very similar words) in sentences next to each other. It gives the impression that the word was in your head already, so you just went with it. I would definitely attempt to break that up.
“Then she was running, the soldier just behind.” She was already running, yes? Maybe she resumed, but she was running before the dive.
You have several sentences that run back to back with “He/She [did this]. (Followed by) He/She [did that].” I would work on bringing the sentences together by starting out with a verb. “He [did this]. Doing that, [insert name or description of the character (ie. the warrior/farmer/woman/astronaut/dragon/whatever)]…”
I think you need a “the” in this: “burying its head in soldier’s spine.”
You need to be careful of your tenses and run-ons in actions sequences. For one example, “When the farmer twisted it sideways, the Natin went down, while…” That sentence should probably have ended after “down,” and started up with “Sanda.” Also, at the end of that sentence, is it “the” sledge for shoeing horses or “a” sledge for shoeing horses. If there’s only one – and that’s it – then it’s “the.” If it’s a generic shoeing tool, then “a” would likely be more accurately used.
“I think we got all the watchers,” a semicolon here would prevent the run-on.
“…the band that break into the houses.” You need to reword this.
“They split up,” this is the second time you’ve used this clause, the first being about the soldiers, “they’ve split up.” You used the word “house” three times in so many sentences, starting at the end of this one.
“The swordsman turned and touched the dancer’s arm.” EXCELLENT! :)
“…ferocious overhand swing…” Is there enough room? This is your fantasy, but middle age (and related genre – especially when it was poor) housing didn’t usually come with expansive headroom.
“…sword, stepping…” This is a time to break up the run-on. Putting a period after “sword,” you could start the next with “Sanik stepped,” or maybe even “He stepped.” I would also watch your use of “soldier” and “Natin.” It’s not being used incorrectly, just repetitively. Could they be called “raiders” or “bandits” a bit, breaking it up?
You really need to watch the tenses. Sandik was lifting, stepping, using, and following all in one sentence. It really runs together, which is why past tense tends to work better for action sequences: Lifted, then stepped, then used, then followed.
Ok, well I think there’s plenty for you to start with. I’m going to continue reading and see how these guys get out of their pickle. This seems to be a very small portion of an excellent novel. I will have to read over the rest of it.
Keep up the great work!
-LoKi
I must first say this is the first of your work I habve read, so i apologise in advance for any ill thouhgt comments. Overall your story seems to flow well. In my opinon though you use a lot of speech compared to other forms of description. This leads the pace to be reasonably good but makes it seem as if a bigger picture is being ignored. Remember that the more you describe your world the more beautiful and engaging it is. Also one trhing you could do is focus on other character perspectives (Unless you have already done so)as if a reader has a certain favourite it is good to expand on them as the best way to know them is to be in there mind and see things from their perspective. Your combat is ok, but lacks the pace of true masters of combat fiction (e.g try reading some black library books) keep it up thouhg it is still good.
I like the dialogue that you use for Kal. The characterization is exactly right and his speech characterizes him beautifully.”She seemed to gain determination, and left to climb the ladder.” This is a personal pet peeve of mine – “seemed”. I always feel like the writer wasn’t sure of his characters feeling. I would rather see “appeared”. If there is confusion here, it is just in some long sentences that if shortened would heighten the intensity and be clearer.”His eyes were sharp in spite of the worry in his lined face, and he seemed to have enough ability to think clearly that Sandik wondered if the older farmer had had some military training.” Just an example..You do a very good job with prose recounting the fight with enough detail for the reader to actually see the action. I could feel the tension and wanted to read further. I do think you could watch some minor grammtical errors – like ending a sentence with a preposition …”wound down”, when I know you have it in you to find better words. I am not a reader of this genre, but I would read more of this. The action kept me interested.
Showing 1 - 4 of 4
Ratings & Rankings
Review item
Add to faves
