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Short Story / Nobel Peace Prize Winner standup routine
” Ladies and gentlemen, would you welcome very warmly to Punchlines this
evening, Mr. Joe Venucci.”
Joe walks a bit stiffly across the stage and grabs the mike.
”You know, I was browsing the list of Nobel Prize winners last Saturday
evening (which gives you some idea of the quality of social life that I’ve
got). I noticed the regular ones that you’d expect to find: Dag Hammerskjold, Martin Luther King Jr., Amnesty international, and Kofi Annan. But I almost fell down when I noticed Kissinger on the list; for negotiating the Paris peace accord for the Vietnam war.”
“Now you gotta understand some history to fully appreciate how grotesque
that is. During the presidential election in the US in nineteen sixty-eight,
Nixon used Kissinger as an envoy to convince the South Vietnamese government
to abandon the then current peace process, which was on the brink of
concluding a cease fire. Nixon promised them if he was elected, he would get
them a better deal from North Vietnam. That better deal never came because
when the south Vietnamese pulled out of the peace talks, the North
Vietnamese abandoned them also. So the war dragged on for almost five more
years specifically because of Nixon and Kissinger.”
“In browsing, I was also quite flabbergasted to see Jimmy Carter’s name
on the list. Now Carter’s particular crime against humanity centres on the
war in Afghanistan against the Soviets that dragged on throughout the
eighties. Common wisdom has it that the horrible Soviets started that war by
invading Afghanistan to prop up their proxy government there. What ACTUALLY
happened is that the CIA, on orders from Carter under advice from his
national security advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski, started funding Muslim
fanatics in the north of Afghanistan six months BEFORE the soviets invaded,
with the specific intention of destabilising the country to the extent that
the Soviets would be forced to invade to prevent the instability from
spreading to all of the southern Muslim republics of the Soviet Union. So,
Carter engineered a war that pretty much destroyed Afghanistan, created a
whole generation of terrorists and caused arms proliferations throughout
South Asia.”
”So what I’m thinking is, How much is the guy getting paid who is doing
the research for the Norwegian Parliament that grants the Nobel Peace Prize?
I’m pretty sure that I could do as good a job for; say half the money.”
“Futher to this, I’m thinkin’, this is how the telephone conversation between the guy doing the research and the liaison for the Norwegian parliament might have gone when they were deciding who should get the prize in nineteen forty-five.”
” Svend?”
...............
”It’s Bjorn.”
.............
”We’re done the research Svend.”
...............
”We don’t think that Hitler is really the best candidate for the prize
this year.”
........................................
“Ya we know that a posthumous one would be nice and all”
.............................
”And its never been done before.. ya we know”
.................................
”And we know that the German-Norwegian Lobby IS a strong one. But we
still feel that, on balance, compared to the other candidates, the balance
of evidence swayed us away from recommending him as the best choice.”
....................................................................
”Ya, I know that the girl guide cookies ARE better than the Red Cross
cookies. But in a process of this nature, we don’t feel that denying the
Prize to the Red Cross just on this basis would sit well with the rest of
the world.”
.........................................................................................
“Now Svend, this phone may be tapped Svend. You know how Stalin hates
that word. We feel that Cordell Hull, the American, must be given SOME
consideration, since he WAS one of the founders of the UN.”
.........................................................................................................
”Yes, Svend I KNOW that he stole your dessert at that UN meeting. we
still don’t feel that’s enough reason to”
..........................................................................
“I know, I know who’s the boss Svend.”
...............................................................................................
”Well, Hitler didn’t exactly step aside to let the peace process
flourish, Svend. “
...............................................................................
”We don’t feel that his suicide was all that noble really Svend. It
appears; from what we can discover, that when his world view was crashing
down around him, he couldn’t reconcile his delusional reality with the one
that was ever more aggressively presenting itself to him. So, rather than
face the catastrophic error in his philosophy, he took the easy way out and
left the carnage for the rest of the world to clean up. “
......................................................................................................
I know that American Beer isn’t as good as German beer, but we
feel….”
........................................................................
I’m not meaning to interrupt Svend; it’s just that I was hoping this
time after the Emperor Wilhelm fiasco that..”
.......................................................................
”Yes sir, I know that Hull is a Swedish name. But that’s quite a few
centuries ago now Svend. I know that your great, great , great grandmother
got pregnant out of wedlock by a swede. And his name was Hull sir?”
........................................................................................
“No, it wasn’t actually Hull, but you’re pretty sure that it was a Swede.
Yes, but even given all that Svend, we still feel that Hitler’s record with
the Polish and the Jews and..”
....................................................................................................
“Well I wouldn’t be quite THAT casual about it Svend . Fifty million IS
fifty million. We feel that the term smifty million isn’t all that
respectful of those included in that death toll Svend. “
......................................................................................................
“Yes, I know who signs my cheque Svend.”
............................................................................................................
“and Hitler it will be; in this, The Year Of The Genocidal Maniac. “
.............................................................................................
“Yes Svend. I can clean out my desk on Monday.”
...................................................................................
“Joe who’s coming to take over?”
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Oookookachoo reviewed Version 1 -
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PhoebeRaven reviewed Version 1 -
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Comparing Carter and Kissinger to Hitler? Did you really go there? I am German and I am all about stamping Hitler as the worst guy in history ever, which is precisely the reason why I think using him in comedy doesn’t work, because everyone who disagrees on that fact is clearly delusional and denying the truth. Just this week a German TV host was fired because she hinted that the way the Nazi regime promoted family values wasn’t all bad.
I think Hitler is way too much a sensitive topic to make fun of. But maybe I am overly cautious because of my heritage.
Nevertheless your piece did make me laugh in the beginning and I think the one-sided phone conversation we get to witness can actually lend itself awesomely for comedic purposes.
The backstories on Kissinger and Carter are a bit dry, although I see how they are necessary. Maybe throw a joke in the middle and then it’s fine again.
I absolutely agree that the Nobel Prize has gone to some people who didn’t deserve it. It makes sense to poke fun at that fact. And heck, you’re a whole lot funnier than I’ll ever be.
Plus, I am German, so what do I know, right? (;
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Username reviewed Version 1 -
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Joe let you down with this one, fire him. World War 2 humor is a hard sell sixty years later. Unfortunatly, many readers won’t know who these people are, and others won’t care. Try writing about Bush and Cheney.
I_Like_Rice reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say I didn’t laugh out loud at all (which I have done a few times reading other people’s work on Urbis). A few of the Svend comments at the end were mildly amusing (yes I know he ate your dessert) but nowhere near enough to save the piece.
Maybe as a stand-up routine delivered very well this could be an entertaining piece… maybe, but it’s not one that I would retell to someone another time.
Sorry (I guess that’s Joe’s fault.)
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