Young Adult / Another one gone......

This story spoke to me because I know what it’s like to lose friends like this. The message is a strong one: If being yourself isn’t good enough, it’s best to move on. This piece definitely gets this point across and could be a good song but some of the lyrics would need to be reworked to make room for a few hooks and maybe a bridge. So far so good though.

Interesting idea, but it needs a little work…there’s a few spelling and grammatical errors, like in the second line – “Another person that was close to me was left” – I think you should take out the second “was.” Also, it’s “loneliness,” and it should be “God is tired” instead of “God is tried.” Very emotional, though. I can tell you truly felt what you were writing.

I really love the idea of making thhis into a song. if you’re at all musically inclined, I strongly reccomend it. this could be really beautiful set to music. My favorite part is the reoccuring “its a long road” thing youve got going on. way true…
this is a really great piece. very telling and honest and real. many many many kudos!
well done and keep writing!

“Is there anything besides accepting and forgetting about it?
Honestly I don’t know what to do and I hope there’s a way to change it.
It’s scary knowing that I’m being myself and there’s still some thing wrong.

I feel like I”ve tried everything…
I feel like I’m losing control of everything.

I thought I was nice to you…
I thought we were friends, but reality says something else.

Kill me now, I’m already dead inside. “

I especially feel that I can identify with these lines. All too often, if I be myself, I feel like I’m pushing people away, but if I become someone else, I’ve lost still, and I wonder how long it will take me to find that space in between. Whether this can be successfully converted into lyrics, I don’t know, but I think there is the potential for it, plot-wise. As you said, it’s very raw. As it is, “another one gone”, followed by the wind blowing is a great way to end such a piece. I wish you the best in your writing and in finding redemption and respite. Rest assured, God does not hate you, nor do I think he is tired of you, perhaps your life-style as I suspect he grows tired of mine and many other people’s, but never you. —Mandy

It was a mixture of showing and telling.
Watch for typos.
You definitely got your point across. I think it might actually be better as a song.

I’ve had the same instances in my life as you have.  Losing a close friend, not in death, is a hard obstacle to face.  I was on a brink of losing a friend because of  the complexity of issues we were both experiencing.  Both of us were repulsed by each others actions.  My depression overtook me, turning away from her.  Also I couldn’t take manipulation anymore.  Many others have that tendency to take advantage of my kindness, along with other qualities I possess.  Self-sacrifice I often endow upon myself, usually resulting in more chaos.  Trust me when I say this, usually in friendship “break-ups,” in most cases they always mend back together.  If the love of the friendship is strong enough then it will protect it from ending.  Instead of fighting, discuss your issues with each other.  Listen to  what she has to say, and she will likely do the same.  Honesty can be expressed in constructive, respectful manner.  It saddens me that your friends are your worse enemies, due to the fact they consist of information about you that can be used as a weapon to hurt you.  Rarely will you find “true” friends during your travels, but when you do, be sure to be “true” back.  My treatment of my friends always consist of honesty, loyalty, and guidance.  

-veronica  

I think this could be made into good lyrics, since that’s the type of poetry it already is.  You might have to hammer out a refrain and start thinking about what kind of music you’d want it to be.  As for finding redemption and respite. . . well, poetry is a subjective thing most of the time, and you’d probably know better than any reviewer would, if writing this made you feel better.  I suspect it probably did, judging from my own experience.  I found it to be very expressive and emotional work, which is appropriate for lyric poetry.  Good work, overall.