Cheers for the review. It’s so nice to have a review from someone who has read previous instalments too. I am psyching myself up to write ch4 as we speak. I haven’t looked at it for a long time though and it always makes it a little daunting to get started!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Goddess Ch3
As the crowds began applauding and cheering the next series of leapers entering the arena, Callista led the girl by the hand through the press of bodies towards the yard where she knew Telenia would have been taken. The girl followed Callista dumbly, her cheeks streaked from where her tears had cut channels through the dust on her face. She had cried at first as she watched her sister be carried from the arena, and Callista had held her tightly and stroked her hair, but now she seemed to be numb to the noise and people around her. Even so, Callista moved to the girl’s other side in order to block her view of the bull enclosure as they passed it. The mighty auroch from the first round stood there calmly, its horn still red with Telenia’s blood, its heaving sides the only sign of its recent exertions.
Following a series of leapers, the headed through an archway in the eastern wall and on into the yard beyond. The yard was full of people, mostly gathered in small groups around the edges, but an uneasy hush was upon then. Callista led the girl over to where a group of healers surrounded a figure lying on a stretcher on the ground. Letting go on the girl’s hand, Callista watched as she knelt at Telenia’s side and tenderly laid a hand on her cheek, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. Telenia’s skin was ashen and her breathing was so shallow as to give an illusion of death, but at her sister’s touch her eyes fluttered open and slowly focused on her sister’s face.
“Trissa?”
The girl nodded, fat tears rolling down her cheek and falling onto Telenia’s chest. “I am here.”
Telenia smiled faintly. “Did I fly?”
“Like a bird,” Trissa whispered as she stroked her sister’s face.
Telenia smiled, closed her eyes, and with a final sigh she died.
Callista wiped away a tear of her own as Trissa fell forward, cradling Telenia’s head in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably. The sounds of her weeping echoed around the high stone walls of the yard and other leapers assembled there watched the scene play out with grim looks on their faces. As the healers gently helped Trissa to her feet and led her away along with Telenia’s body, the low murmur of whispered conversations grew until eventually the many voices drowned out the sounds of the crowds in the distance cheering the next round of leapers.
Callista dragged her eyes away from the departing group of healers and looked instead for Aiolos. She spotted him immediately as he came through the far doorway leading to the fields beyond the eastern wall. She ran to him and flung herself into his arms. Aiolos caught her, the force of her charge sending him staggering backwards a few paces. As he put his full weight on one leg he cried out involuntarily. Callista released him, shocked by his cry of pain and pulled the flap of his kilt to one side in order to inspect his hip. She gasped at the sight of the angry bruise which was already turning black and looked up into Aiolos’s face in astonishment.
Aiolos shrugged. “It’s worse than it looks.”
Callista slapped him on the arm, and then wrapped her arms around him again, hugging him tightly. She felt confused; happy and yet angry. A sudden sob went through her and Aiolos put his arms around her and kissed her hair tenderly.
“I was so scared Aiolos.”
“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not! You almost got killed. Telenia got killed and _you almost did too!_” Callista shouted the last few words and Aiolos led her gently back through the door and away from the yard as she dissolved into tears. He held her then and let her cry into his chest. When the tears had subsided Aiolos wiped the tears from her cheeks, a sad look on his face.
“Telenia was killed then?”
Callista nodded and looked into Aiolos’s face with a pleading expression. “Please say you won’t leap again? You’ve proven yourself now. There’s no need to leap again.”
Aiolos caught a stray tear on his thumb and stared at it as it lay there glistening in the sun before flicking it away. “I am expected to compete in the next round.”
“Who cares what is expected?! I don’t want to have to watch you risk your life again!”
“It’s a question of honour Callista.”
Callista snorted and pushed him away, angrily wiping away the new tears threatening to form.
“Did you not see what happened in the last round? One badly injured and one dead?”
Aiolos nodded and walked over to her, taking her shoulders in his hands and looking sincerely into her eyes. “I’ll be careful.”
Callista shook herself free of his grip. “If you choose to go back into that arena, that’s not being careful!”
“Callista I have earned a place in the next round! People will brand me a coward if I don’t compete.”
Callista laughed out loud at this, her hands on her hips, her cheeks flushed in anger. “The only reason you are in the next round is because the other two didn’t make it. You were lucky! Maybe you won’t be so lucky this time. And who cares if people call you a coward?! It’s better than being dead!”
Aiolos’s face fell a little and Callista could see she had upset him, but unable to back down she bit her lip and held back the apology.
At that moment another leaper appeared though the doorway and jogged over to them. As he reached them he put an arm around Aiolos’s shoulders companionably. A slight look of relief crossed Aiolos’s face and he smiled at the newcomer.
“Who’s this brother?” the man asked, glancing from one to the other.
“Lysander this is my sister Callista.”
Lysander bowed extravagantly, swiftly removed Callista’s hand from its position on her hip, held it to his lips and met her eyes with his.
“A pleasure to meet you finally!”
His eyes were sparkling and mischievous and were of the brightest blue; a most uncommon colour. At the touch of his lips and the warmth of his breath on her hand Callista felt a violent blush spread over her face and neck. Cursing silently to herself she wrenched her hand away from his and crossed her arms, moving instinctively to Aiolos’s side until his body partly shielded her from Lysander’s intoxicating stare. Aiolos put his arm around her protectively as he and Lysander laughed at her timidity.
“Lysander is my kinsman Callista. We played together as children when I lived in the city, before you were born.”
“And we still play together now brother,” said Lysander, playfully punching Aiolos on the arm, “although our games are a little different, huh?!”
Aiolos punched Lysander back and turned to Callista his face smiling and innocent. “We trained together for the Taurokathapsia.”
“Come come Aiolos! We have done more than that! The wine… the women…”
Aiolos cut him off with another, more forceful punch to the arm. “My sweet little sister doesn’t want to hear about all that. She is but an innocent girl from the country with no appetite for the debauched tales of sailors such as yourself!”
Lysander laughed heartily at this and clapped Aiolos on the back. Callista peered at Lysander from behind Aiolos’s protective presence. Her eyes swept over him, taking in his deeply tanned skin with a curious dusting of freckles on his shoulders and face, the strange golden streaks in his hair, and the thick muscles of his arms. She edged out from behind Aiolos a little.
“You are a sailor?” she asked.
“My father runs a small fleet out of Amnisos.”
“How far have you travelled?”
“Callista…” Aiolos put a restraining hand up to her but Lysander waved it away.
“It’s alright. The country girl is curious! We run wood to Cyprus and bring back tin and copper for the forges in the town.”
“Have you ever been to the distant lands?” asked Callista excitedly.
“No, but my father has been to many places. It’s how he met my mother. She came from the north. He tells me that in the Northern lands many people have eyes like mine.” Lysander leant closer to her to afford her a better look and Callista gazed into the bright azure-blue of his eyes, so unlike the dark brown eyes of all the people she knew.
“They are like the sky!” she said wondrously. Lysander nodded sternly causing Aiolos to snort in amusement. Callista glared at him.
“And that’s not all. Some people in the far north have skin as white as alabaster. It’s so pale you can almost see through it, and my father says some of these people have hair the colour of golden corn heads. And to the south…”
“Yes?” Callista breathed in excitement, leaning closer to Lysander with each word.
“In the south there are men as black as ebony wood. They wear animal skins and piece their flesh with animal bones.”
“I would love to see such things.”
Lysander guffawed. “Most women are too scared to visit them, and they would be right to; it’s too dangerous!”
Callista felt a wave of indignation rise within her. “Well I’m not most women! I can look after myself! Maybe when I am older I can join you on a voyage?”
Lysander smiled and nudged Aiolos. “Well I think your brother might have something to say about that!”
Just as Callista was about to respond, a call came from the doorway to the yard and they turned to see Diadalos sauntering over to them, a lazy smirk on his face, holding a water skin. Lysander groaned and Aiolos instinctively moved until his body was screening Callista.
“Mason!” he called, “I thought I would find you skulking out here! Getting ready for the next round?”
Aiolos glanced at Callista nervously. She returned his stare, but remained silent.
“Yes. You?”
“Of course. Here,” Diadalos held out the water skin, “some water to refresh you?”
Aiolos took it suspiciously and sniffed its contents.
Diadalos smiled. “You don’t trust me?”
“Frankly, no,” replied Aiolos handing it back.
Diadalos shrugged and took it. “You have cause. Still, we must put aside out differences. We are companions in the Taurokathapsia now, and I must say you leapt well last round for a beginner. Although lucky for you that the other two went out.”
Callista felt anger well up inside her and poked her head out from behind Aiolos. “Lucky for him?! Lucky for you! I saw Aiolos leap. All you did was roll around in the dirt!”
Anger flashed across Diadalos’s face, but quickly passed. Nonchalantly he raised the water skin to his lips and drank a mouthful, then looked at Callista and smiled languidly.
“If the round had continued you would have seen the measure of my skills. Unfortunately for me it ended too soon.”
“Unfortunate for you?!” Callista spat back at him. “Tell that to Telenia!”
“I would, but she appears to be dead.” Diadalos said casually. Ignoring the stunned silence that followed he turned to Aiolos. “Seriously though brother, we must look out for one another in the next round. Our two competitors are kinsmen and we must watch one another’s back. All grievances put aside, agreed?” Diadalos held out his hand, his face seemingly sincere, and after a suspicious pause Aiolos took it.
“Agreed,” he said, nodding slowly.
Diadalos nodded in satisfaction. “Until later then?” Turning on his heel he strolled slowly back towards the doorway leading back into the yard. They watched him until he was out of sight.
Lysander whistled. “What do you make of that then?”
Aiolos shrugged. “Perhaps he was sincere.”
Lysander laughed. “Diadalos is never sincere, especially as far as forgetting old grievances go. You need to watch your own back because you cannot trust him to do it for you. I mean it Aiolos. The man is a snake.”
“I agree,” said Callista, “his eyes were lying.”
“How would you know?” Aiolos asked her.
“Because they were the same as yours when you said that you want to compete in the next round.”
“Callista…” Aiolos sighed, his voice sounding tired. Lysander moved between them then and drew them both to him, hugging them tightly to him with strong arms. Callista felt herself pressed hard up against his lean muscular body and struggled ineffectually to get away as she felt herself blush intensely again.
“Come come siblings, let’s not fight. Come and watch me leap the bull instead. Yes?”
Callista peered up at his face. He was looking at her, his eyes twinkling disarmingly, and a wide smile revealing even white teeth. Callista felt her anger evaporate and nodded, allowing herself to be marched back through the doorway into the yard along with Aiolos.
x x x x x
Lysander’s round was well underway when Aiolos left Callista by the side of the arena and headed back to the yard to begin preparing for his next round. Lysander had leapt quite well so far, but his three companions in the arena were more experienced, and as Aiolos left it seemed as if his kinsman would be leaving the tournament after the first round. Aiolos cursed his own bad luck. He never intended to be leaping again. It was practically unheard of for leapers in their first year to progress to the second round.
As he left the arena at the end of his first round, people had clapped him on the back and gave thanks to the Goddess on his behalf, but he silently cursed the series of events that led to his supposed good fortune. His thoughts turned to his fellow competitors. Finion had had his shoulder shattered by the bull’s hoof. He was a fisherman, a father of four children with his own boat. What would he do now, confined to port with a useless arm? And Telenia? She was dead and left behind an orphaned sister. A surge of fear flooded through Aiolos as he thought of Telenia. Was he too destined to leave a younger sister behind?
A call from the far end of the yard broke his train of thought. Looking up he saw Diadalos smiling companionably at him from the corner, his three friends surrounding him. Aiolos paused, but then walked over reluctantly as Diadalos beckoned to him. Diadalos was right; they needed to support each other. There was no room in the Taurokathapsia for enemies. They had exchanged harsh words in the first round and Aiolos knew he’d had his concentration broken by this. Maybe Diadalos had come to the same conclusion. He certainly seemed sincere enough.
As Aiolos reached them he felt a little unnerved by the smiles of his former enemies, but accepted the cup of wine Diadalos drew from the barrel for him.
“To the next round brother?” said Diadalos, raising his own cup to Aiolos. Aiolos hesitated and glanced quickly at the wine in the cup. Diadalos and his friends laughed. “See? The mason still does not trust me. Come now brother, we have an accord do we not?”
Aiolos steeled himself and raised his cup confidently.
“We do. To the next round.” Aiolos watched as Diadalos first raised his cup and drained it before raising his own to his lips. Diadalos watched his every movement and Aiolos felt disturbed by it. He took a tentative sip, but tasting nothing bitter he took a larger mouthful. The wine was spiced and sweetened, and as he savoured the mouthful he felt energy flow into his tired muscles. He took another mouthful. When Aiolos had finished Diadalos raised his cup in salutation, a satisfied smile on his face.
x x x x x
By the time the first rounds were over, the sun was already high in the sky above the arena and the heat was intense. Of the forty leapers at the start of the day, a mere twenty remained to take part in the second round. Many of those leaving the tournament were injured, and of those going through, all had at least one Taurokathapsia to their name, with the exception of Aiolos. As he waited by the gate for the beginning of his round, Aiolos felt the critical eyes of those around him watching him. He felt like a fraud, undeserving of his place in the second round. Other leapers patted him on the shoulder and back and wished him good luck, but he could see in their eyes a hint of something, and it was not jealously; it was pity, or maybe sympathy. They didn’t think he had a chance. They didn’t think he should even be there.
He glanced at Diadalos who was standing next to him stretching his arms and neck in preparation. Diadalos had competed the previous year, albeit unsuccessfully, and had an air of confidence about him that came with this meagre experience. Looking to his other side he saw the other two competitors walking over. They chatted companionably to each other and laughed with the easy calmness of those who knew each other well and who were supremely confident in their abilities. They came to a stop next to Aiolos and nodded and smiled at him. He returned their acknowledgment and then lent closer to the man nearest him.
“Have you seen the bull?” he asked, a slight tremor to his voice.
The man smiled widely revealing two missing front teeth. “Bigger than the last one.”
Aiolos paled a little and swallowed. The man smiled even wider and then lent closer to whisper in Aiolos’s ear.
“Just stay out of my way youngster and try not to get killed alright? I wouldn’t want to get your blood on my hands when I grab the bull’s horns.” The man winked at Aiolos and nudged him with one massively muscular arm. Aiolos staggered a little to one side with the force of the nudge, causing him to stand suddenly on him sore leg and let out a gasp of pain. The man chuckled then turned back to his companion.
Diadalos moved in on Aiolos’s other side and whispered conspiratorial into Aiolos’s other ear.
“Don’t you concern yourself with Brun. He’s so old and fat he’ll be lucky to get out of the way of the first charge.”
Aiolos turned and looked at Brun. He didn’t look particularly old or fat; instead he appeared experienced and confident with thick ropes of muscle wrapped around his arms and legs. The man looked like a bull himself.
With a start Aiolos heard the Tauromatia begin to make the introductions and as the gate opened, Aiolos took a deep breath and jogged out after his three competitors. The sound from the crowds was intense, and Aiolos raised his hands in acknowledgement, turning slowly to face the crowds on all four sides as they roared their approval. He caught Diadalos’s eye and smiled nervously at him. Diadalos smiled back and winked, but as he turned away Aiolos felt sure he saw a Diadalos’s lip curl slightly into his characteristic sneer. Aiolos paused and watched Diadalos doubtfully for a moment, but the smile Diadalos gave to the crowd showed no sign or malice now, and Aiolos was left wondering if it had been his imagination.
He moved to take up his position, and the flutterings of fear beginning in his belly and threatening to rise up into his throat. Aiolos took another deep breath, feeling his heart beats slow slightly and his stomach calm a little, and then searched the sides of the arena for Callista. He saw her standing to the side of the gate with Lysander, worry etched onto her face. As she saw him looking in her direction, the worry lines disappeared and she smiled, nodding encouragingly at him. He smiled back weakly, waved at Lysander and then switched his attention to the corner from which the bull would emerge.
Shaking his arms and legs to loosen them up a little, Aiolos tried to calm his thoughts a little. Whatever Diadalos was planning it was too late to worry about it now and he needed to concentrate on the bull. All he needed to do was survive the round. The other three would make their leaps and he would stay out of their way. If he saw an opportunity he would take it, but otherwise he would play it safe. Gradually Aiolos felt a new sense of calm wash over him.
The heat of the sun pounded down on his head and he felt the sweat begin to trickle down his face, prickling his skin and dripping onto his chest. The sounds of the crowd began to die down as they awaited the bull, and in the hush that settled over the arena Aiolos could hear his own heart beating in his chest. Each beat was slow and strong, and so loud that it seemed as though everyone would hear it. He could feel the blood coursing through his veins, pulsing in his hands and feet and neck, and as he closed his eyes he could hear the growing roar of it in his ears. Time itself seemed to slow and the air around him suddenly felt thick and comforting. A thought, like a distant call, floated through the fog that was descending on his mind; ¬
Something is not right.
Through the haze of warmth and calm he became aware of a noise and opened his eyes slowly. The other leapers were moving now.
Why are they moving so slowly?
Aiolos dragged his eyes back to the corner. He could see movement there too, but it was blurred. He blinked and tried to focus, but it was as if he had mist in front of his eyes. He felt as though he were moving through water, but with a huge effort he raised his hands to his eyes and rubbed them in an attempt to clear his vision. For a moment it cleared a little, and in that instant he saw the auroch bearing down on him; it’s mighty head moving up and down with each gigantic pace; flecks of spittle being thrown into the air as it snorted with exertion; it’s hooves drumming out a terrible rhythm that seemed to shake him to the core. Dumbly he looked at the other leapers. He saw Brun and his companion to one side, shouting at him and waving their arms, but everything seemed to be happening in slow motion and he couldn’t make sense of their words.
Move. I must move He thought, but as he tried to walk it seemed as if the ground lurched underneath him and he staggered on his feet, his legs feeling like they were full of stones.
The crowd was roaring now, a huge swell of noise that crashed over him like a wave. His desperate eyes sought Diadalos and found him standing to the other side, waving his arms like the others, but he looked different to Brun and the other man. He was not calling out words of encouragement either. He looked…afraid.
Why is he afraid? Of the auroch of course. No, not the auroch. Afraid of me. Why is he afraid of me? The auroch…. Diadalos…
Aiolos felt his thoughts getting muddled and as his eyes closed, he felt himself surrender to the darkness that threatened to overwhelm him.
Afraid… Diadalos… CALLISTA!
With a jolt Aiolos’s eyes sprang open again. Through his blurred vision he could see that the auroch was now horrifyingly close. He tried to move again, but he felt like his life-force had been drained away.
The auroch lowered its head towards Aiolos’s body. It was so close that Aiolos could see the yellowy whiteness of its eyes and felt the warmth of its breath on his legs.
At that final moment Aiolos turned his head and saw Callista again. It was as if the sight of her summoned up some reserve of energy from deep within him. Just as the auroch was about to thrust its horn into his body, Aiolos threw himself to one side with all his strength, crashing to the floor by Diadalos’s feet.
The crowd screamed in excitement and relief.
Aiolos lay on the dusty floor and watched through blurred eyes as the auroch thundered past him, then came to a stop and began to turn, the snorts of breath from its nostrils sending up clouds of dust.
Like smoke…., thought Aiolos, Callista…. He peered behind him, and beyond Diadalos, to the fence. It was a long way. He searched within himself for some shred of energy that would allow him to reach it, but he knew he had none left. He cast his eyes back towards the bull. The two leapers and the Tauromatia were all in motion, leaping around it trying to get its attention.
At that moment Aiolos felt someone take hold of his wrists and begin dragging him. Sluggishly he let his head roll backwards and looked up to see Diadalos above him, his face contorted and sweating with the effort of dragging Aiolos’s leaden body towards the fence.
“Diadalos…” Aiolos croaked.
“I’m sorry Aiolos.”
“Why are you?” Aiolos slurred.
Diadalos looked into his eyes and Aiolos saw the look again. Fear, and something else…
Guilt.
“I never meant…” Diadalos’s eyes looked away and he grunted as he redoubled his efforts.
Aiolos let his head slump forward again and closed his eyes, blackness rolling over him in waves. A thundering bellow roused him from his stupor and he raised his eyes to the scene being played out in slow motion in front of him as Diadalos dragged him across the floor of the arena.
The auroch was near to them still, but surrounded by the other two leapers and the Tauromatia. As the auroch charged towards one, they would dance out of the way, and then another would shout and yell and wave their arms to divert its attention. They were keeping it busy, giving Diadalos time to get Aiolos to safety, but as Brun twisted his body out of the way once again, the auroch bellowed in annoyance and stood still, its sides heaving. It surveyed the shouting, dancing figures surrounding it, then swung its massive head in the direction of Aiolos and Diadalos and took a few steps towards them.
It was as if time stood still then.
All sounds silenced.
All motion stilled.
Aiolos smiled drunkenly and surveyed the crowds; their eyes were bright with excitement and fear, their mouths hanging open with silent screams and calls, their hands raised in the air. He saw Callista, her hands clinging to Lysander’s shoulder as she raised herself to see over the fence, her beautiful dark eyes wide in fear, tears already forming. Her eyes pleaded with him and he smiled back at her benignly. He felt the connection between them burn brighter then than it had even been, so bright that he almost felt as though he could see it. A thread strung between them, burning as intensely as the sun. He sent his love for her through that thread and felt it surge and swell with a fierceness that made both of them gasp. And then with a sigh Aiolos let go of the thread and felt it sailing into the air above him, and then watched sadly as Callista’s tears began to fall.
Time slowly began to move again.
Aiolos watched in calm resignation as the auroch began its inevitable approach, walking at first, then trotting, then galloping towards him. He looked at Diadalos above him and watched his face as fear took hold, eyes fixed on the approaching bull. Aiolos let his gaze fall to the hands clasped around his wrists. He watched as the grip lessened, fingers slowly letting go, and then his arms falling as Diadalos disappeared from view.
Aiolos felt his head crack against the stone floor, and as he slipped away into blissful blackness one thought filled his head;
Callista…
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Reviews
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Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nods I liked it.
Pace: Quite good overall, although the gap between bouts seems a bit short, considering how physical it is.
So Diadolos drugs the wine to kill Aiolos who is a rival for: glory? or just so he can get to Callista?
The relationship between Callista and Lysander seems to be forming well, the former entering a childlike infatuation with a mysterious stranger, full of tales from beyond. I hope he looks out for her now that her brother has died.
The imagery of the Bull – enraged and confused came across well, as did the ending scene with Aiolos’ passing and Daidolos too late attempts to remedy his actions.
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This is exciting storytelling. I am happy to be able to read this installment because in some ways you have surpassed the pacing and drama of your previous installment. I like the fact that the bad guy is not totally evil, he felt guilt. There’s a hint that enemies may one day be friends if death does not intervene. The death scene was well written and I felt sadden. My only wish, at this point is to read more.
Dragonfyre96 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a wonderful book chapter. I really felt the connection between the characters in this story. The way you show the closeness between Callista and Aiolos was very well done. I can feel the character’s emotions come out in this writing, enough so that I can feel their emotions myself. This is very touching. Plus the camraderie between Aiolos and his friend was made very evident in the short time they interacted. The suspense leading up to the cliff hanger moment was very well built up. It leaves me wanting to find out what happens to Aiolos. Will Diadolos distract the auroch from it’s target? Would someone else step in to save Aiolos? Will there be some magical epiphany and/or awakening that will bring forth some power to save him? I loved this chapter. Can’t wait to find out what happens next.
FALLENANGEL reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a beautifully written piece. You kept me entralled; interested as to what will happen next.
There was only one thing that didn’t seem to read right in the 16th line of your story. “Held her then and let her cry into his chest.” It’s just my opinion. Maybe it is missing punctuation or I’m just reading it wrong. Either way I enjoied the read.
I look forward to reading you next incerpt to this book.
Hermandune78 reviewed Version 1 -
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A beautiful piece. You are doing a very good job with this story, the characters are strong without being over bearing enough description without putting to much into your mind and generally you have had a good idea behind it. I will have to look on your page for the earlier chapters to find out the reaons behind this chapter.
I look forward to reading the next chapters eagerly.
Keep up the good work!
Obsidian reviewed Version 1 -
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There are a lot of good ideas in this story and definetely some talent, but there are also some issues. The first of these is the pace of the high action scenes. Overall, the story has a good pace, but when you get to the action scenes you seem to want to get it out of the way as soon as possible. You put on action next to the next and it just does not flow well with the rest of the book. Too many commas are involved. And example of this is:
“Callista wiped away a tear of her own as Trissa fell forward, cradling Telenia’s head in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably” – This could easily be turned into two sentences and wold definetely be a little clearer and more emotional for the reader. It just doesn’t really convey the sorrow you are trying to express. I do not mean to go overboard and have some overblown language therein, but you should steer away from such generic sentences.
Other issues involve:
“Letting go on the girl’s hand, Callista watched as she knelt at Telenia’s side and tenderly laid a hand on her cheek, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. Telenia’s skin was ashen and her breathing was so shallow as to give an illusion of death, but at her sister’s touch her eyes fluttered open and slowly focused on her sister’s face.” – ALmost monotone. You said her a lot of times and you continue to do the same all over the story. Try to spice up your writing by not overusing words. It is an easy mistake to make, but there are a lot of ways to refer to the actions taking place wihout overusing a word.
” He caught Diadalos’s eye and smiled nervously at him. Diadalos smiled back and winked, but as he turned away Aiolos felt sure he saw a Diadalos’s lip curl slightly into his characteristic sneer. Aiolos paused and watched Diadalos doubtfully for a moment, but the smile Diadalos gave to the crowd showed no sign or malice now, and Aiolos was left wondering if it had been his imagination.” – Overuse of Diadalo. We understand it is an exchange between Diadalo and Aiolos, you do not have to say it again and again and again. Most of it is unnecessary. Try to change your sentences so that you do not have this problem.
Your main problem is that you continue to overuse words in the manner explained above. You must learn to come up with more unique ways to express actions and happenings without having the same words come up again and again because it then looks amateru, inoriginal, and monotone. You do have a good, strong use of dialogue. That is definetely one of your strengths. Try to work more on the use of descrition and relation. Good job and good luck!
kadiya reviewed Version 1 -
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Second paragraph “the headed” maybe i should be she headed? Spelling and grammar check would be a good thing here, a small program called winproof will help immeasurably with proofing your work. Its free on the net.
The flow is good, the relationships are developing nicely and the pace is even.
I saw a movie a long time ago on bull leaping. Set I think in ancient greece. Not a particularly nice sport!
Aeryn reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a reasonably well constructed prose style. Your characters are quite well thought out, but I must say that they need to be maube less afraid. Although it is only Aiolos’s first year the fear he feels can seem to be overplayed. Although a reader should feel sympathy for the hero they should also feel that there are thigs that he can or will do that are ‘heroic’. Also I must admit I am confused at this being placed in the sci-fi/fantasy section as it seems to only vaguely have any fantasy refrences, thusly unless that is the point of it you may try to introduce something ‘magical’ to make it a truely good fantasy insteasd of a pretty good piece of ficton.
Yotna reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the latest chapter, it is by far the best. However I feel to start with a bit of trepidation, and hesitant beginnings can lose readers – even three chapters in. I will make most of my comments on that sector of the tale.
“As the crowds began applauding and cheering the next series of leapers entering the arena, Callista led the girl by the hand through the press of bodies towards the yard where she knew Telenia would have been taken.”
Here I feel ‘by the hand’ is redundant. You could replace it with some emotional context.
Callista led the shaking girl through the press of bodies towards the yard where she knew Telenia would be.
Is much more assertive – try to avoid the passive voice.
“The girl followed Callista dumbly, her cheeks streaked from where her tears had cut channels through the dust on her face. She had cried at first as she watched her sister be carried from the arena, and Callista had held her tightly and stroked her hair, but now she seemed to be numb to the noise and people around her.”
Now I know why you said ‘seemed to be’ but ‘now she was numb’ has more impact. I think the reserve in you narrative diffuses the story a bit.
“Even so, Callista moved to the girl’s other side in order to block her view of the bull enclosure as they passed it. The mighty auroch from the first round stood there calmly, its horn still red with Telenia’s blood, its heaving sides the only sign of its recent exertions.”
Again for impact you can replace commas with full stops, try the staccato of:
‘The mighty auroch from the first round stood there calmly. Its horn still red with Telenia’s blood. Its heaving sides the only sign of its recent exertions.’
I think that matches the bulls puffing menace a bit more?
The girl nodded, fat tears rolling down her cheek and falling onto Telenia’s chest. “I am here.”
Telenia smiled faintly. “Did I fly?”
“Like a bird,” Trissa whispered as she stroked her sister’s face.
Telenia smiled, closed her eyes, and with a final sigh she died.
Once more I think final is redundant – she dies – it’s final.
‘Telenia smiled. Closed her eyes and with a sigh, died.’
Oh I’m English we don’t put commas before ‘and’ but that’s a foible.
A few changes that may give a bit more of an impact and get us into the chapter a bit more smoothly. Once you get into it your hesitation does disappear more, but keep an eye out for ‘passives’ and unneeded words.
Great stuff though.
Now go get on with Chapter 4 I want to read it!
Fifer71 reviewed Version 1 -
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The pace of the first segment is good but the death scene I think could have been longer it seemed to be to fast and lacked emotional connection. May be include a memory or some thing to make the death more powerful.
I also want to comment on the description of the surroundings where your characters are is important rather than actors on a blank stage.
The segment with the actual bull leaping had good tension but it did lack pace and once again any description of the surroundings. It took me till the last line to realise the floor was stone. Yet the fence surrounding the leapers is it painted or decorated is there stands with large crowds or are people just standing around the fence.
charactorisation is very important and handled quite well but withput surroundings being defined it becomes hard to follow.
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