Poetry / war & childish games

Solid enough. In line one, “among” is more apt than “in.” “With” could be removed if one gains an end-line comma. Line three could be clearer. Line four is dodgy; it’s a stretch that a flimsy airplane could function as an intrasolar shuttle. It plays up the “childish games,” certainly. However, “war” seems entirely subducted; where did it go? And why Mars before the East? Also, why do you opt for a fragment in line five? The extra pause?

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December 15, 2007

by vintagerocket

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16	F	Canada	November 30

good points. you pinpointed some things that were bugging me. “among” and “with”, will do. mars before the east for rhythm. the fragment is for the pause, and because l.4 isn’t literal but l.5 is. man do i need to play up the war part- he’s getting a little jealous from his cage.

December 15, 2007

by Aachen

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After reading the comments to other reviews, I think I see the implied connections a bit more clearly. A good touch, and the right image connected to the airplane could do the job (though it might upset other balances) (I’ve been up a long time, getting a bit flaky). Be at peace.

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Nice start, I feel like it’s incomplete. Why are you in the wheat, what signifigance does the plane have, why is it on your lips.  I love the view of mars, it’s a great image bring more to the table.

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August 29, 2007

by vintagerocket

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refer back to the title on this one; crouching in wheats stalks/crouching in war/crouching playing hide-and-seek. the plane represents correspondence with home, the past, basically anywhere but “here”. there’s quite a bit of connotation involved, but now i know i need to work on accessibility. thanks.

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This simple poem means a lot. I think everyone likes to relive their childhood. This poem says it best with only a few lines. I can relate to what you are saying. Instead, I played with army men and marbles lol. Great poem man.

I’m not writing that email again. Just check your mail. By the way, that’s another great poem.