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Poetry / The Wall
The Wall
The long leaves dancing to the wind,
The lonely cuckoo cooing to them,
The springly squirrel crawling up the wall,
The splaying creeper giving it company,
Leaves of which drawing figures on them bricks
Leaving it richer,a meeting place for them squirrels.
Letting out the joy they run on the wall
Leafing through the days that make up their lives,
Underneath the blue skies,the sunny days
Urging them forward,towards the end.
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Daniella reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe change to “Leaves on vines drawing figures on the bricks” ”...a meeting place for the squirrels.” “Letting out their joy they run on the wall” I like the great images here of happy chirping squirrels and nature. The only thing I don’t understand or that seems out of place because you don’t explain or foreshadow the last line, it’s kind of jarring after the happy scene you have set. Unless the creeper is a snake that is going to kill them. IMHO.
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Noburo reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I am sorry, but I can think of nothing to change in your poem. I think you do have a good chance of getting it published some day if you pursue that goal. I personally would like to sit by the wall for a time.
Spyridon reviewed Version 1 -
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very nice..makes me kind of wish i could be a squirrel(just for a day!)I think this would do well in a children’s book. But it’s certainly not restricted to just that. I tend to like short works and yours fit the bill. One thing though..are the commas and periods necessary? It just may be your style but I don’t think they are needed. And what is the “end”you refer to..is it the end of the wall or the end of something else. Could be a sad end but I’m not sure. Good job.
horse reviewed Version 1 -
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The content of this piece is good. The natural imagery of leaves and squirrels is simple, yet interesting on some leve.
I do think that there are a few things to take a look at though:
1) The word “them” appears too often for a short poem. It stands out a lot during a reading. Also, its use in the 5th and 6th line is not proper grammar—I wasn’t able to determine if this was intentional or not, but I’d stay away from it if so.
2) Although the piece has a format that dictates the word “the” at the start of every line in the first stanza, I feel that it takes away from the piece. The language feels stronger if you strip it from the lines. Give it a read and decide.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Anastalia reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very well written and has a lot of feeling behind it.exactly the way a poem should be.Kepp up the good work!!
missunique45 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece is almost paints a picture of the leaves climbing up the wall. I like the use of them brick and them squirrels. Some reviews are going to tell you incorrect. But I believe poetry is free writing and the rule should be kicked to the side. It could be smoother but all in all it’s good
Good luck.
Yung_n_Restless reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not big on poems that have stanzas with all the same letters or words and such. But i have to admit this poem does work…to a degree. You may find fans here who love it. All in all I don’t think it harms or helps the poem.
Secondly, I hate it when critics bash my poems when I ignore certain rules of grammar. A bit of slang here, an urban colloquialism there never hurt. Especially if it adds to the character of the poem.
However, even I looked at lines (5) and (6) a bit side ways.
“Leaves of which drawing figures on them bricks
Leaving it richer,a meeting place for them squirrels.”
The use of “them” looks too intentional to be simply a mis-spelling. And it sounds way too country/ghetto for the overall victorian theme of the piece. To be sure, throwing the two together gives the poem a “minstrel” quality that could be further exploited if you were to carry on this voice a few additional stanzas.
Adeaz reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you didn’t do rhyming, a lot of people don’t realize that Rhyme isn’t poetry. Poetry has a feeling about it, and it will mean something different to everyone who reads it. This poem just gave me the feeling of fall, sitting on a park bench, and watching these squirrels on the ledge of the brick wall. Tumbling around, chattering, but never falling off. That is just part of their grace. I liked the part about shadows of the leaves on the wall, and how like a true poet, you weren’t completely grammatically correct. Good job.
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