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Poetry / Invisible in plain sight. (Analysis)
Invisible in plain sight.
I am the face of pain.
Maybe that’s why you choose not to see.
Bearing a society’s shame.
Dreams that now, can never be.
Displaying to you my need.
You see only your own.
You’ve got a family to feed.
I’m left all alone.
So you continue on.
Without even thinking twice.
Instantly my memory is gone.
Forgetting must be nice.
Instead I stand my ground.
The only place that’s mine.
Watching the world still go round.
Beneath a beat up old stop sign.
Years now since I was home.
Don’t remember what that is.
Can’t picture my own mom.
Even forgot my wife and kids.
How I envy you driving by.
Being able to look away.
Never looking me in the eye.
Or hearing these words I say.
There are no jobs for my kind.
A change is nowhere near.
God, I wish I too was blind.
Or deaf so I could not hear.
Cruel world forget your dying son.
This night I’ll never rise again.
The bitter cold signifies my time is done.
Finally, my penance comes to its end.
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MikelsCycles reviewed Version 2 -
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Foster reviewed Version 2 -
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ABAB rhyme-schemed four-line stanzas without any encompassing form to rein them in make for a sort of sing-song refrain type rhythm that is hard to hold on to in the end. Or so I find. I like the theme and think the subject matter could be formed into a great sonnet or some such should you wish to play with it a little more.
Cheers.
- Foster
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JillianChan reviewed Version 2 -
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Prune this up a bit and you could have a good poem. Many descriptive adverbs are good in prose but in poetry it is a good idea to keep them to a minimum to promote a good flowing and powerful poem.
This looks like prose chopped up to look like poetry. Many strong feelings are expressed here but are muddled by adverbs and wordy sentences.
NoodleGirlsie reviewed Version 2 -
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A bit unimaginative. Second stanza is less than clever. Rhythm and rhyme are both forced and mechanical.
Lots of potential though. I like the imagery of ‘a beat up old stop sign.’ My favourite line would have to be ‘Cruel world forget your dying son.’
I think if you worried a little more about the technical aspects of the poem you might find yourself making a better point…
POEtrygirl87 reviewed Version 2 -
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Your words flow so smoothly. I was able to relate to my life with my family when you wrote “Displaying to you my need. You see only your own.” Also about he society today that feeds in with my parents “Bearing a society’s shame” the shame is all rolled into one. You Poem is very lovely and has A lot of in sight in it! I wish I could write like that!
TDavino reviewed Version 2 -
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I like it, bitter without being self- pitying. At the same time, it paints a considerate portrait of the plight of another, humanizing a stranger. As it is now, though, I think the poem would come across better being read aloud, then on the page. The early succession of short lines is a bit stuttery, preventing much easy flow.
starblue reviewed Version 2 -
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I found this to be a poignant and touching poem. Writing it from the point of view of the homeless man is striking. It feels very genuine and authentic. In the third verse, does it mean the man’s memory is gone or the memory of him passes away quickly in the viewers? Perhaps both. It is something we are all guilty of, not seeing any of the far too many homeless. This flows well and had a good rhyming scheme; no noted flaws in punctuation, spelling or other gaucherie of language rules. I do not think this subject matter would have publishers running to you , but consult a good agent and. This was a good read.
shelerella reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good work, it’s obvious you care about what you write, and that is very important. You want your writing to mean something, and it does. Your descriptive words are very easy for a reader to relate to, and do make getting the point very easy. You have a knack for the rhyme, which is not always easy. You made the words go together without sounding ridiculous or having them exist merely because the words rhymed. I can’t guarantee that the poem will change the world, everyone is effected by art in their own way, but I think that by taking the time to make a poem of this matter at least will give readers a chance to share in your passions for the subject.
reylen reviewed Version 2 -
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Great way to depict a homeless person. We all are guilty of not taking a second look at them, but they could have been in society on the same level as us one day in the past. Makes us stop and think that we could easily end up like them one day, With people not caring about us.
If we do something to help them, I hope when the role is reversed that they will help us too.
There should be charities more advertised that help the needy in our own city, we are all happy to sponsor those overseas, how about here.
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